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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 23, 1998)
A mystery solved A woman reveals the secret of why females travel in packs to the bathroom ERIN REITZ is a senior theatre performance major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. A male friend and I were talking the other day about nothing in par ticular (which, by the way, happens to be my favorite subject) when the conversation ventured into the topic of the opposite sex. It usually just ventures into sex, but because my parents will proba bly read this we’re not gonna touch that one. Just yet. Upon his bringing this up, I came to the conclusion that we humans are obsessed with dis cussing ourselves. We cannot get enough of whining about people of the opposite gender, but why? Do we do it out of boredom? Do we do it because it’s fun? Or do we constantly talk about ourselves because, as college students, we are not yet educated enough to discuss the things that really matter, like why Missouri has more roadkill on its highways than any other state? By now, you’re most likely ask ing yourself what the heck roadkill has to do with this subject. That, my friends, will be left for you to figure out. Anyhow, my friend (we’ll call him “Elizabeth Berkley” in the interest of protecting his identity and thoroughly embarrassing him) admitted to me that he was absolute ly lost when it came to women. He asked me (and I quote), “So, what’s the dilly, yo, with women’s restrooms?” (OK, so he didn’t really say the words “dilly, yo,” but I’ve found that any sentence can be made more fun by inserting it Try it in your next research paper!) Figuring I’d know the answer and could ease his troubled mind, “Elizabeth” went on to tell me that he wanted to know why women always have to go to the bathroom in groups of two or more, and what really goes on in there. I usually just tell guys who ask me about this, “It’s a woman thing, and you wouldn’t understand, so why don’t you just shut up?” But since I am a nice person and also a self-declared “girly girl” and am sick and tired of being asked this question, I thought I’d sit myself down and really analyze this subject. (Personally, I’m not sure if any one can really answer these things objectively, but because I care so much for my dear manly friend, “Elizabeth Berkley,” I shall give it a shot.) Conundrum No. 1: Why must women travel in packs to the bath room? There are many good reasons for us to migrate as a horde to the potty. The first is the most obvious: We want to talk about you. That’s the truth, and it’s ugly, but nobody said learning was always going to be pleasant. It has been my experience that women love to talk, and they REAL LY love to talk about the people they’re out with. We can’t help it - we seem to have some innate need to express ourselves. All the time. It’s sometimes positive discus sion, but it usually has to do with us chattering about the tackiness of the leopard-print pants you chose to wear that evening. And since we’re in a little room that you can’t enter by law (if you are a guy, that is) there’s no safer environment on Earth to gossip in. However, it is not only you that we are obligated to discuss in a completely unfair and disgustingly heinous manner. Being in the bath room also gives us a chance to rip on the hooch in the halter top who’s hitting on our objects of affection. Women are evil like that, espe dally in a social setting, such as your friendly neighborhood drinking establishment. Gossip is pro grammed into our system from birth, and there is almost nothing we can do to change it. (There are, however, some of us who are truly trying to counter it. Really. OK, not really. Some women also have a frequent tendency to exaggerate the truth, but I am not one of them. I swear.) Conundrum No. 2: Why do women stay in the bathroom for such a long time? The first reason for this should be pretty much apparent to the men of die world: We are not physically equipped to pee with the speed and ease of our male counterparts. (By the way, this is honestly the only time penis envy crosses our minds. Believe me.) If we could go as quickly as you do, we’d be out almost as quickly as you are. It’s that simple. “But there must be more to this!” you’re thinking (if you’re a guy). You (for once) are absolutely right. The restroom formula is not merely consisting of using the facili ties. There is a bylaw in the U.S. Constitution that states the follow ing (and I quote): “Whereas, women utilizing a restroom must look more beautiful upon exiting than upon previously enter ing the restroom, f therefore, be it enact- v ed that a hair-fluffing ^ _ lipstick-applying position-of-garments- ^ checking eyelash-batting at the mirror ceremony is necessary and just to please all onlookers outside of the restroom.” . Because no self respecting female would j ^ Zz^nr break the law, or leave a restroom looking, God forbid, the same way she did when she walked in, she is '** required to complete this ritual. Once you’ve done it a few times it pretty much becomes habit. Heck, I don’t even think about that bylaw anymore. Conundrum No. 3: Why don’t you buy us drinks before you return to the table? You have money, legs and vocal cords. Besides, you’re supposed to be buying us drinks, ya putz. (Hey - I’m all for equality. I’m also all for free liquor.) Well, to my good masculine buddy “Elizabeth Berkley” and all other men, I hope this clears things up a bit for you. I realize that I can not possibly speak for each and every woman, but this is one of those rare instances where I choose not to care. I know what I’ve seen and I speak the truth only as I have witnessed it. (Damn that was liberating! Mmm-hmm.) The whole truth about the oppo site sex may never be resolved by our feeble human minds, but who really cares? Life’s definitely more fun when there’s mystery and messy confusion involved. I would write more on this sub ject, but I have to find a friend and my lipstick, so I can go relieve myself. It’s a woman thing - you wouldn’t understand. (Editor’s note: I sure don’t.) Weather worn Global climate change includes both warming and cooling GRAHAM EVAN JOHN SON is a graduate student in German and environ mental social studies and a Daily Nebraskan colum nist. I must start this column out with a quick overview of what I’m all about, since y’all probably don’t know. First of all, I am an essayist, not a columnist, but due to column length restrictions, much of my papers are usually severely curtailed, leaving out vast amounts of supporting evidence, issue critique and die like. This leaves only a shallow form of my topic, which is usually fairly biased and explicit My viewpoints are not based on emotion, hard feelings, bad experi ences, good experiences or anything of that nature. Actually, my viewpoint is based on a humanistic ethic that strives toward egalitarian policies and soci ety, and a respect for all that is living and all that will come to live. I have come to this understanding because I have either been residing permanently, or for parts of each year, in Lincoln for the last 20 years. During this time, I have also lived, learned and spoken in several other languages and countries within the past five years, and I therefore have an objective comparison to base my views. I am a teacher as well, and I have done significant amounts of research over the past five years in the areas I write about. I like the metaphor of eating apples from the tree of knowledge. If one hasn’t, then one continues to be blinded by ignorance and bliss. But if one does eat from the tree of knowledge and continues devour ing vast amounts of these apples, then one has a better perspective on how things operate, as well as the ability to see through accepted norms in pursuit of a healthier and less igno rant future. Eat a lot of apples. However, I have a very hard time accepting that stores in Lincoln sell more apples that come from New Zealand than from Nebraska City, but that’s the problem with a global econ omy. Well, enough about that. This week, I will focus on global climate change, which is both the wanning and cooling of the Earth’s unique support system. What many skeptics and believers of global climate change usually dis agree on is whether human society has had an effect on this change. Well, if you look at the spikes and dips of global temperature over the past 100 years, you will notice some thing interesting; the spikes in global temperature have come when human ity has had its most industrial peri ods, during the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, during WWII, and recently over the past 20 years. What many in the field estimate, but do not necessarily understand, is that the intensely integrated concept of differing economic, political, social and individual habits through out the world have had an effect on the Earth’s climate. Only an understanding of differ ing political policies that take into account differing economic and social factors of different countries will move the world toward effective change. This is the job of the environ mental social scientist. The skeptics are always quick to bicker about the existence of humani ty’s effect on global climate change, rather than educating and pursuing legitimate policy and habitual changes in themselves and through out society. The Web site, http://www.sepp.org, by the Science and Environmental Policy Project proves this fact fairly well with its concern about uncertain ty The SEPP is one of these various organizations whose members would rather not look beyond the Earth’s life after their death and who continue debating the reality of die effects of industrialization, instead of offering legitimate solutions for improving the future. Change is inconvenient, and the next generation can deal with the problems. I don’t agree with extremism on either end when it concerns matters of the environment, because a wait and- see attitude is just as destructive as the severely limiting policies dis cussed at Kyoto. Principally, both the yin and the yang of global climate change are the real problems, not just one or the other. The reason is because dramatic shifts in wanning and cooling are what preceded the last ice age, according to ice-core samples, and presently cause great disturbances in our ability to foster a successful and predictable society. These shifts in temperature pre cipitate these disturbing weather events, and these events are the ones that directly affect our societies. Seasonal shifts, migration and ecosystem changes, disease, pest migration, increased hurricanes, vol canic and seismic activity, unpre dictable and severe droughts, rains and snows are just a few areas of con cern. These phenomena lead to agricul tural, economic, political and social disruption. Furthermore, the fact that July 1998 was the warmest month in recorded climatic history because of the El Nino season is true. However, El Nino seasons are supposed to occur once every seven years. This year’s El Nino is the fourth season in the last seven years. What happened to Texas this year alone? First, this state had more than 60 consecutive days of 100 degree weather and then torrential rains for two weeks. Almost all of the cotton industry was destroyed in those areas. The problem that scientists see is this warming and cooling has usually occurred over a long period of time (in human perspective), around 5,000 to 10,000 years. But now, these extreme temperature oscillations are occurring more frequently and within a briefer time period, 100 to 200 years, and not just in seasonal Nebraska. If you want proof of this data, go to the Love Library reference section and look up “Climates of die States” Vol. 1-2,1978, this will present you with comparative high and low tem peratures at U.S. weather stations throughout the United States, since climatic recording began. Also, look at “The Weather Almanac,” published in 1996* which shows that in 1993, die Eastern United States received “The Storm of the Century” during die winter, and a severe summer drought and heat wave in the summer. Next week, Til tell you how the United States can eliminate automo bile fatalities because of people who run red lights.