Big Brother is watching
Familiarface in freshman class prompts fraternal advice
TODD MUNSON is a
senior broadcasting
major and a Daily
Nebraskan columnist.
When you’ve been on campus
as long as I have, the first week of
school becomes quite passe.
Overdressed freshmen run
about campus with map and sched
ule in hand, hoping to find their
class. Meanwhile, older - but not
necessarily wiser - students still
hung over from the night before
stumble to the nearest campus
phone, hoping to register for class.
Only this year, among those
lost little freshmen, is someone to
break up the monotony - my
brother Troy. Not since elementary
school have we attended the same
academic institution simultaneous
ly.
To say we’re a little opposite is
like saying Yo-Yo Ma is just a fair
cellist. While I thought of Wasmer
Elementary as a good place to eat
lunch and play kickball, he was
toting a Masters of the Universe
briefcase to kindergarten and
learning how to spell words with
no fewer than six syllables.
Could this be why he’s here as
an honors student and I consider it
an achievement to stay off acade
mic probation? My mother thinks
so. And I think her psyche would
be better off if she just had one
“Super Kid.”
I’m 6-foot-1 with a wit and
charm like Dean Martin, while
he’s 5-foot-3 with the wit and
intelligence of Rain Man.
I really shouldn’t be so hard on
little Troy. I’m actually stoked that
he chose to attend this fine land
grant institution. I now have a
doubles partner for tennis and,
more importantly, someone to
sponge money from without feel
ing guilty.
Since I kind of forgot to buy a
gift for his high school graduation,
I’ve compiled this short list that
will make his transition from
gullible, little freshman to sea
soned veteran a snap.
And since I’m such a swell
guy, I thought I would make it
available for all to see. Even if
you’ve been here for a year or two,
keep reading. You may learn some
thing.
Tip No. 1: This newspaper pro
vides a great form of entertain
ment during class, especially dur
ing big lectures. If class is getting
a little dull, just crack open a
Daily Nebraskan and revel in the
latest scandal on campus.
Instructors appreciate when you
make it obvious that you’re read
ing the Daily Nebraskan. It’s con
sidered subliminal criticism, sig
naling that the lecture needs to be
improved.
Tip No. 2: Don’t believe what
any of the guides to campus living
tell you. The fastest way to meet
people in your residence hall is to
go down to the local thrift store
and buy the heaviest bowling ball
for less than three dollars.
Then, from the comfort of your
room, randomly hoist the ball
above your head and let it drop.
For a little variety, bounce it off
the walls and ceiling. As a fresh
man, my roommate and I did this,
and in no time we had people
knocking on our door ready to
chat.
When the ball has served its
purpose, give it a proper burial by
sending it down the trash chute
from the top floor. The racket is
incredible.
Tip No. 3: This tip is for the
dozen new students from out of
state who aren’t athletes. Why did
you willingly come here?
Nebraska is like a desert that gets
cold, except there’s no sand, only
com.
Now that you’re here, you’re
required by law to bleed Husker
Red on Saturday. Don’t worry
about making friends - you’ll be
such an oddity that yo\i can actual
ly charge people to hang out with
you.
Tip No. 4: When money ’s a lit
tle low, there’s always East
Campus. That’s right, UNL has
another campus at 33rd and
Holdrege streets, and what an
entertaining place it is.
There’s a tractor-testing track
and a bowling alley, as well as
cows and agricultural students to
have fun with. Go over to East
Campus (Burr Hall is a good start
ing point) and casually spread a
rumor that LeAnn Rimes is a her
maphrodite.
In mere minutes, you’ll be
laughing hysterically as grown
men fill their ten gallon hats with
tears after hearing the news that
their favorite 16-year-old is pack
ing a hog just like them.
Tip No. 5: My final tip is for
the fellas. As a freshman guy, the
chances of finding that special
someone hover around slim and
none. The reason? Freshman gals
go to frat parties for the compli
mentary beverages, and older
women don’t date boys.
Now don’t worry if you didn’t
join a fraternity. Frat guys are
some of the nicest, most sincere
people in the world. Friday night,
if Kappa Lappa Crappa looks like
it’s jumping, walk up and ring the
bell. When it opens, explain that
although you aren’t a paying mem
ber of their brotherhood, you were
wondering if you could come in
and party.
Later in the night, when all the
women have gone home and
you’re hog-tied in the basement,
just remember, no matter what
type of object they try to stick
where the sun don’t shine, say
“Thank you, sir, may I please have
another?”
If you do this with each and
every impaling, chances are you’ll
be invited back the next weekend.
I can’t say it’s great to be back,
but I will say I’ll keep trying to
make things interesting.
Remember, everything looks bad
if you can remember it.
|g3r~ mmuL
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