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EDITOR
Erin Gibson
OPINION
EDITOR
Cliff Hicks
EDITORIAL
BOARD
Nancy Christiansen
Brad Davis
Sam McKewon
Jeff Randall
Bret Schulte
Our
VIEW
P as in
problem
Street expansion lacks
sense of timing
Timing is everything.
It’s been said before, it will be said again;
and in the case of the city’s decision to
switch downtown Lincoln’s P Street from a
one-way thoroughfare to a two-way road, it
makes for a perfect fit.
While it’s difficult to fault city officials
for their desire to revitalize the downtown
area - a desire that is supplemented by the P
Street renovation - their decision to begin
this renovation in the waning days of sum
mer and the waxing days of autumn are sub
stantially flawed.
As one of the downtown area s mam
roadways, P Street experiences high levels
of traffic. But with the exception of football
Saturdays, it rarely saw situations that even
approached gridlock.
Chances are, that’s about to change.
P Street is not only a business-laden
stretch of road; it is the first available turn
toward campus for motorists leaving
Interstate 180. That means a few city blocks
practically become a singular outlet for an
interstate’s worth of traffic - too much for
three lanes to handle,
In a few days, that same traffic will be
channeled into one lane. One lane of traffic
ringed by construction equipment, no less.
And even if Eddie Robinson himself
re he
won’t make it to the game on time.
Diverting gameday traffic to other
downtown thoroughfares - including O and
M streets - may seem like a reasonable solu
tion; but that still won’t stem the confusion
and exasperation that will run alongside Go
Big Red spirit for many football Saturdays
to come.
The timing of the renovation is equally
questionable on every other day of the week.
With construction still under way,
throngs of college students are returning to
town and getting readjusted to driving in
Lincoln. Meanwhile, P Street is slouching
toward its two-way destiny city block by city
block.
And when burdened by the mind-blow
ing complexities of400-level political theo
ry, Spanish 101 or even the new-look Burger
King, an ever-changing P Street will
become a worthy adversary for the average
student. Not to mention the slightly inebriat
ed one.
Maybe these P Street plans should have
been shelved until the early months of next
summer, when Lincoln will be less populat
ed, free from the threat of football hordes
and a little better prepared.
But unfortunately, the traffic-wrenching
process has begun. And all that is left to save
us is the undying hope for a monorail - or
something like that.
university ot NeorasKa board of Regents.
A column is solely the opinion of its author.
The Board of Regents serves as publisher
of the Daily Nebraskan; policy is set by
the Daily Nebraskan Editorial Board. Tne
UNL Publications Board, established by
the regents, supervises the production .
of the paper. According to policy set by
the regents, responsibility for the editorial
content of the newspaper lies solely in
the hands of Its student employees.
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MaMHaanriv 1
Challenge to unhinge
Students encouraged to eat, drink and think lechery
JOSH WIMMER is a
senior news-editorial
major and a Daily
Nebraskan columnist.
It’s a landmark autumn for me. It
marks my final semester at UNL.
It marks what’s sure to be another
winning season by our favorite foot
ball team, toe North Dakota State
Bison. Go, Thundering Hod!
And it marks the fifth time I’ve sat
through “challenge” columns from toe
editors of toe Daily Nebraskan.
If you read last Thursday’s paper -
or any first issue of toe year since, (to,
1901 - you know what I’m talking
about In case you missed it, I’ll recap.
At the beginning of every academ
ic year; it’s traditional for a couple of
editors to publish columns whose
themes run along toe lines of
Welcome to UNL. This year is your
chance to make dreams come true, but
it’s not going to be easy.
Frequently, these columns end
with a hard-hitting, one-line slogan,
such as “Go for if’ or “Good hick.”
Believe me, I’m not complaining
about this. But it’s like Brenda telling
Dylan not to drive home - it needs to
be said, but it’s going to go ignored
If a sexy teaching assistant isn’t
going to get you out ofbed for biology
lab, therefc nothing a couple of pencil
pushers can do.
Never fear. All is not lost
Grade inflation runs rampant on
this campus, and if your professors
can come up with classes monkeys
can pass, we can make the challenge
column work the same way.
So without further ado, I issue my
challenge to the student body:
(Note: The administration has
asked that, because of the beverage
alliance, we refer to this as the “Pepsi
Challenge"-*-I’Udo no such thing.)
Learn to smoke. It’s not as easy
as it looks. To wield the cigarette in an
aesthetically acceptable manner takes
practice.
And once you graduate, you’re
probably not going to have many
chances to try, because you’ll be work
ing for the Man, and the Man doesn’t
like you smoking on the Man’s time.
Now there are, I’ll grant, some
health drawbacks to the habitjike
coughing. But smoking’s usefulness,
especially to the college student, out
weighs these. “How’s that?” you ask.
“I’ll explain,” I reply.
The scenario: You’re waiting for
something, outside, by yourself. If
you’ve ever done this before, you
know it bites - you feel like a transient
who doesn’t even have an invisible
friend to talk to.
Enter the cigarette.
Instantly, you are transformed.
You’re no longer a loiterer, suspected
of scoping out pre-teens to appear on
your Web site. Now, you’re doing
something - smoking.
Anyway, smoking’s getting a lot of
bad press these days, but mark my
words: In 10 to 15 years, it’ll be in
vogue again, and flashing the occa
sional photo of yourself with a ciga
rette will earn you credibility with
your teen-agers.
Drink. Drink a lot. A college
graduate who’s falling-down-drunk is
a drunkard and a lout But a college
student who’s felling-down-drunk is
just a college student
Your liver will never be stronger.
So relish this time.
But let’s lose the Busch Light, OK,
folks? It’s made from com, and you’re
Nebraskan-we get it Do you know
what its alcohol content is, though?
It’s like barely 3 percent. That’s
pathetic. In North Dakota, our toddlers
put it on their Cheerios. And I’m talk
ing about the toddlers with health
problems.
Folks, Jack Daniel’s is made from
com too, and it’s not the beverage of
choice for high school cheerleaders
everywhere. You’re in college now.
Grew up - drink something real.
Freak it real nasty. Premarital sex
is fun, aid it bums calories. And the is
the only time of your life it’ll be
socially acceptable to be a lecher.
Left face it If you’re going to par
ticipate in a menage a trois, it will
probably be during college. Statistics
support this: A careful study of numer
ous issues of Penthouse Letters reveals
that most of the women therein are
between the ages of 18 and 24.
Practicing safe sex, of course, is in
your best interest, because if you catch
something from someone, that will
limit the sex you can have with other
people.
Condoms are available for 10
cents at the Health Center.
And if you’re planning on saving
yourself for marriage - as noble as that
is - let me break it down for you:
Guys, it’s not as easy as it looks in die
movies. Girls, it will be a very sore
honeymoon.
Hay hooky. For those of you bom
in the 1980s, this means “skip class.”
Parents and professors and other
old people will tell you this is bad. But
remember. It is always these same old
people who drone “These are the best
years of your life” over and over again.
The sun is shining, and you are
young. There are Frisbees to toss, bod
ies to tan, snooze buttons to hit and
drink specials to purchase as early as
11 am atTGIFriday’s.
More to the point, if you have to
attend all of your classes to pass diem,
you deserve to live in a box. Period.
We’re focusing on academic rigor
more each year, folks, but- with all
due props to Chancellor Moeser - this
is still a state school.
Take the challenge. Like I said,
this will be easy. The academic year
has only just begun, but I’m sure many
of you have already embarked on a
path of bingeing, purging and rutting.
Others of you, though, have read
this far and are seething. You’ll call me
things like “hedonist” and “sinner”
and “Mr. Wimmer”; and you’ll won
der how, with all the problems faced
by this campus - and this world, for
that matter-I can not only condone
but encourage the sort of debauchery
mentioned in this column.
It’s simple.
Call me crazy but I believe dial, in
spite of whatever’s printed on these
pages, a lot of you are going to devote
more time than not to the extracurricu
lar activities I’m talking about
I want you to do them well. My
Midwestern soul says if you’re going to
do something, don’t do it half-assed.
On top of that, avery wiseperson
OK, it was some girl in my roommate’s
ex-girlfriend’s sociology class - once
said, “Beer brings people together.”
This is true, of alcohol as well as
other vices. If we’re really going to
come together as a campus this year,
such unity will be motivated not by ide
alism, but by parties and substances.
Believe you me, your homophobia
will fade away when you’re nic-fitting
and a lesbian bums you a smoke.
Your hatred of greeks will dissipate
like dust in the wind when a fraternity
boy offers you a beer.
And we’ll be a step closer to racial
harmony when the boys at Sigma Chi
and the Afrikan People’s Union throw
down their books and head for Pawnee
Lake together.
Take up the challenge, comrades.
Great things lie ahead of us this year.
Go for it