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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 28, 1998)
Zmarzly’s list Comments provide semester’s worth of entertainment 1 MARK ZMARZLY is a senior English and speech communications major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. This is my last article. I’m gradu ating in August and am actually scared for the first time in my life. I was planning on writing about my time here and what happens after that, but I don’t want to end my col umn on a sad note. I would like to have one last chance to make you laugh at me and/or with me. I have trained myself to do some thing this semester that has proven to be very important as a writer. I have been making a conscious effort to lis ten to the people around me. I don’t mean listening to people when they talk to me, I mean listening to people who aren’t talking to me. You might call this eavesdropping or snooping, but if the conversation is loud enough to be overheard from 6 yards away, it’s fair game. I want to share with you some of the most bizarre things I’ve overheard this semester and also give you some pointers on conversations. I want one chance to use my communication studies major before I graduate. Consider this my “Quotes for the Semester.” 5 BEST THINGS OVERHEARD THIS SEMESTER 1. “I know that marriage takes practice; that’s why I’m planning on getting married like five or six times.” (Said by a woman working in a down town restaurant.) 2. “I had to introduce my girl friend to my ex, so I started drinking heavily.” (Said by my friend on an' awkward encounter at the mall.) 3. “This is the only time in my life when I’m going to be able to act like this.” (Said by my friend as he held a joint in one hand and a beer in the other.) 4. “Then I said, ‘If you’re so in love with me, then why did you sleep with my best friend?’” (Said by a bit ter man near Love Library.) 5. “God dammit, I know my rights. This is false imprisonment. Hey’ do you want to be my friend?” (Said by an eight-fingered man in detox.) 5 CLUES A BAD CONVERSA TION IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN 1. The person you’re dating starts out the conversation with, “We need to talk.” 2. A doctor, lawyer or university official says, “You might want to sit down first.” 3. “I’m late.” Side note - guys, the correct response is not, “For what?” 4. “Do you have any idea how fast you were driving?” 5. “Why haven’t you returned any of my 20 phone calls?” 10 THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A MAN SAY 1. “Oh good, she’s crying. I know exactly how to handle this.” 2. “I like my women like I like my coffee - cold and bitter.” 3. “Let’s go to the mall and get matching outfits.” 4. “My inner child is crying, and I’m going to try to help him grow.” 5. “Screw the playoffs; let’s watch ‘Beaches.’” 6. “Do these pants make my ass look fat?” 7. “Hank, you’re looking pretty sexy. Have you lost weight?” 8. “Let’s have a group hug.” 9. “I’ll have the low calorie fat free ranch dressing, on the side.” 10. “You were right; I was wrong.” 10 THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY 1. “Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up.” Girls, the fact that we raise it shows we want to keep it dry for you. That’s caring. Remembering to put it down is impossible. 2. “Either you make me breakfast in the morning, or you’re dressed and out of here before I wake up.” I would love to hear a woman say this to a man, but I have a feeling it will never happen. 3. “I’m going to be having my period this weekend. Why don’t you go camping with the guys?” 4. “I just love a guy who cries all the time.” 5. “I just keep falling for nice guys. Why can’t I find a man who will treat me like shit?” 6. “Why yes, I did fall straight from heaven. What’s your name?” 7. “I think stalkers are sexy. Take off that mask and let’s get a look at you.” 8. “Guys are never sexier than when they’re falling over drunk and covered in vomit.” 9. “A threesome involving two girls and a guy has always been my fantasy, too.” 10. “You were right; I was wrong.” 10 THINGS THAT WILL STOP A CONVERSATION DEAD 1. “So that’s when I came to the realization that not only am I a danger to myself, but I’m also a danger to others.” 2. “We can still be friends.” 3. “Rectum, damn near killed them.” 4. “Ever since the accident I’ve been hearing little voices.” 5. “Not only am I good looking, but I’m also incredibly modest.” 6. “My hobbies include reading the Bible naked, playing with Legos and sweet-talking hookers.” 7. “Hey baby, what’s with the rain bow triangle?” 8. “Hey baby, what’s with the NOW shirt?” 9. “You remind me of my mother. Can I have your phone number?” 10. “My favorite bands are Winger and Nelson.” I wanted to take the little space left over to thank all of the people who have written, called or e-mailed me about my columns. I’ve been hav ing a blast writing for the Daily Nebraskan, and the support I have received from friends, family and complete strangers has been wonder ful. College is a time of great pain and pleasure. It is an important time in your life where you get to learn about yourself and the world. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn, especially about what you are capable of. , I look at the people of this univer sity and know that greatness can flourish anywhere, even in Nebraska. A sure thing Campus, popular culture never change CLIFF HICKS is a news editorial and English major and a Daily Nebraskan staff colum nist. Some things never change. Year in and year out, as far as we come as a people, as much as we change as a nation, there are some things that always stay the same. This past year of my college career marked a lot of the same and very little of the new. ■ More people were concerned with who the president was sleeping with than what he was doing politi cally. As of the past few years, we as a nation have grown even more cyn ical about our politicians than we were before. We’ve always said that politi cians are crooked, but now we seem to think that if we can elect the best criminal, he’ll make our nation bet ter. I’m not going to get into my political views on Clinton and his endless numbers of scandals, but the majority of people I talk to have this same sentiment: We don’t care. So if they don’t care, I’m not going to dictate to them that they should. To be honest, I got tired of hearing about Oralgate a long time ago, so I wish we’d just bury the horse and move on, rather than stand in the circle with these clubs, pounding on the thing until an ice age comes. ■ As in previous years, there were a dozen annoying musical groups vying for the attention of whomever would sacrifice their pre cious time. Walking in public trapped me among the Spice Girls, Puff Daddy and Hanson. It’s like every year; there has to be some musical creations that we’d rather forget about in the coming years. Sooner or later they come back to haunt us, though, like George Michael and Wham! Let the bands of yesteryear be the bands of yesteryear. Veto another Duran . . Duran comeback album. ■ In another realm of popularity, O.J. Simpson made himself look even worse this year. For those of you who didn’t hear, not only did he say if he did kill his wife, it was because he loved her too much, he also took an interviewer on a tour of Los Angeles, then proceeded to jump out from behind a door with a banana, making stabbing motions the whole time. Yeah, yeah, Juice, a little tighter on the noose, please. Someone somewhere still thought you didn’t,, doit. A \J ■ Religious people still assail me every so often on campus. Amid the cries of, “This young man is going to HELL!” I could only snicker. To paraphrase the Talking Heads, “Hell isn’t where I want to be, but I guess I’m already there.” You’d think these people would be out preaching to open minded people, not us college students. We’re all a very narrow-minded bunch who would never look at any other culture or profession with the slightest bit of interest. That’s why we’re getting a liberal arts education. (Sarcasm, folks. Work with me here.) ■ Again, people took 4 / (|f themselves too seriously. |L 1 r Larry Flint, Hustler maga- \ v zine editor, made fun of con servatives. People got angry at him. Garry Trudeau made fun of every one through his comic strip “Doonesbury.” People got (( m angry at him. I made ftm of peo-' ■ pie in some of my columns. They ^ got angry at me. Well, at least I’m in good com pany. For everyone coming badcmthe, fall semester, I declare it “The Year of Not Taking Things Too Seriously.” I swear, we as a species need to loosen up. Our humor is our greatest weapon, the ability to laugh at ourselves by far one of our best assets. Comedy is used to make a point and if you can’t take a little of both, go back to your dictatorship and leave my country alone. I love my freedom and you ain’t gettin’ it from me. lighten up. You’re taking life ~ seriously . fn again. & •a ;■ Speakiiig bfsfcfrcnlk, about some serious Wagfedi^&d^^ I’m talking box offices here. The most successful film of all time is a tragedy. Who would’ve figured it? (Me, actually, but...) James Cameron’s epic “Titanic” cost more than $200 million and has raked in more than / » five times going jokes ship sink ing at the end, because you already know that. Most of you have already seen the film eight or nine times, have seats in the theater with your name on them and know your neighboring seat mates well enough > invite them out to ner. Also in the cate _ cdflBfctiori Bf films. wd$Tmt3ch%ngeFtr watch. I am happy to say, however, that 1 don’t expect “Titanic” will hold onto its lead until the end of the cen tury. Those of you who doubt me, you need only wait another year or so, because I’ve got four words for you - “Star Wars: Episode One.” Sorry, James, you can’t hold the crown THAT long. ■ Getting even mdre^paJjvith^-i our theme of stability^I’m proud to report that the streets of downtown Lincoln will be under construction until the exact moment at which teleportation is invented. Then all the streets will be opened to the public once more. Irony’s a bitch, innit? The “easy to use” tax forms still required a blood sacrifice this year, the university is still requiring you turn in your soul to get a student loan, Jay Leno still isn’t funny, cafe teria food still ain’t great, speeding tickets are still issued too much, people are still trying “get thin quick” schemes, classic rock sta tions still dominate the airwaves, and yes, the eighties are still, ever so slowly, coming back in fashion. Run fer th’hills! Th’eighties’re cornin’! Th’eighties’re cornin’! Next year will hold more of the same, I would suppose. We’ll still have crooked politi cians, we’ll still have bad cafeteria food, we’ll still have ridiculous laws, liberals and conservatives will argue more than do anything productive, very few people will care about the next student government election, I won’t get invited to any of the greek parties, Dick Clark still won’t age a day, the dorm rooms will still be incredibly too small for one person [let alone two or three), Douglas Theaters will still control all the movie theaters in Lincoln, and I’ll still be single (fifth year running)! And I’ll still be complaining about it, too. Guess there’re some things in life we can count on.