Ben’s busty home
‘Big’ house planned
By ToddLer
Our Little Frangais Fry
In an effort to create an equitable
environment for Nebraska’s women,
' Omaha Sen. Spam Braun proposed
an amendment to LB23 that would
fund the construction of a new gover
nor’s mansion, which would resemble
a pair of breasts.
“Everyone knows the Capitol is a
glorification of the male sex,” Brown
said. “What this state needs is a big
ol’ set of melons to represent the
girls.”
Gov. Bennie Smellssome said in a
news conference he would love to live
inside a woman’s bosom.
“Oh yeah. Make ‘em big, baby,”
Smellsome said.
While drooling all over a
schematic drawing of the new man
sion, Senators Lynch Mob of Omaha
and Ray Dancin’ of Nickerson started
to fight over how big the breasts
should be.
Running from the senators’
restroom into the chamber with a
Hooters magazine in hand, Norfolk
Sen. You-n-me Tyumup said he had
found the answer.
He said the March Melon Twins
would make ideal models.
“Maybe we should ask them to
present their qualifications in person,
he said. “That way we can all can get
a firm grip on the matter at hand.”
Sen. Hunka Hunka Bruning
Love said he personally pre
ferred a D-cup size, but ultimately
it didn’t matter
“As long as there are big nipples,”
he said. “I like to tweak the nipples.”
Omaha Sen. Katie Never Withit
added an amendment to place super
sized undergarments on both the
Capitol and the new mansion.
“My own son shouldn’t be
allowed to see those
dirty things,”
Never
W i t h i t
said.
Male
senators
were fin
i s h e d
debating in
less than
five min
u t e s .
B u t
Lincoln
Sen. Care
Bare Ail
Hubkens said
she wasn’t yet
satisfied and
wanted to keep
going.
“These guys
always fin
ish so fast,” she said. “They
never pay attention to our
needs.”
Finally after a total of 10.3 min
utes of unclimactic debate, the
Legslater decided to give the
Building Mentenance
Committee a subscrip
tion to Big ‘Uns to
study the issue.
Slappa Pigphrat rats squealing about kick-ass bus
By Pasta Lasagne
Editbore
Members of Slappa Pig
Phratemity received news Tuesday that
they could retain their charter bus
under strict guidelines of the Geek
Bored, which mandates a signed con
tract for national corporate sponsor
ship by Trampax.
Geek God Atlas said the phratemi
ty should be thankful that it got off this
easy.
“At least they didn’t have to settle
for Peepsi,” he said, smiling. Atlas said
the Trampax sponsorship was chosen
so “these young men would be more
sensitive to feminine needs.”
When asked what that should mean
to the university, Atlas simply
shrugged.
Slappa Pig President Ralph Lauren
said the phratemity will start rebuild
ing as soon as the charter bus arrives
from Detroit.
“We hear it used to be a
Greyhound,” he said, frowning. “So,
we don’t know if it would be OK to
stock it with, uh, cats.”
Lauren said the four remaining
members of the phratemity and a cou
ple of homeless guys would be enough
to get the house on the road.
“We’re just concerned with meet
ing all the guidelines set forth by the
Geek Bored,” he said, chuckling, “but
I’m sure they can’t be more strict than
the rules at detox.
“Well, that’s what I’ve heard.”
Some of the guidelines are:
- All members must wear match
ing sweatshirts on Tuesdays, Fridays
and days of the full moon.
- While meeting each other on the
street, members must turn three times
and recite the Nebraska Alma Mater
and apologize to all those within
earshot
- While driving the charter bus,
members earn 50 bonus points for
deer, 30 for raccoons, 20 for squirrels
and 10 for graduate assistants.
- No games of “chicken” with The
Big Red Bus.
- If the speed of the bus drops
below 55, the vehicle explodes.
- The charter bus can park only in
the remote lot west of the Waverly Co
Op.
- Members must drink Peepsi
twice a day.
- In honor of its corporate sponsor
ship, Slappa Pig’s homecoming float
must be constructed entirely of
Trampax products. All feminine prod
ucts are permitted (including super
absorbency). BUT NO COOCA
COLA!
Lauren said he was upset with the
float regulation at first, but later saw
how it would benefit Slappa Pig.
“At least our float will triple in size
when it rains!” Lauren said, laughing
hysterically while whisking some eggs.
Atlas said the Geek Bored would
monitor the charter bus throughout the
semester to see if it was truckin’ or just
spinning its wheels.
“We’ll be watching them just like
Big Brother,” Atlas said, choking on a
piece of fish. “If they crash that bus,
Slappa Pig will never pork here again.”
Daily Harassment
has idiot for dinner
By Am N. Greets’em
Regretful hiring guru
The Daily Harassment Tuesday
entertained one-time staff peon Mark
Myasseissmarter for an evening
introduction on how newspapers are
run.
“Some things go on page one,
some things go on page two,” said
Pasta Lasagne, big, big chief. “Some
things also go on page three, some
things go on page four, some things
go on page five.”
The newspaper may publish other
stories, photographs or advertise
ments on pages six, seven, eight,
nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15,
Lasagne continued.
“And sometimes,” she said,
“things go on the back page.”
Myasseissmarter seemed con
fused by the assertion and began to
chew on his left foot.
Lasagne explained the back page
was often the second-most read page
of the publication and a page that also
gets printed in color - a valuable
commodity in the newspaper busi
ness.
Myasseissmarter, dumbfounded,
then questioned the newspaper’s
agenda in publishing on white paper
with black type.
“You racist bastards.”
He then questioned the little
marks surrounding direct quotes by
sources.'
“What are quotes?”
He also asked why he, as a lilly
skinned male, felt oppressed by
today’s society steeped in institution
al racism.
“It hurts so very much.”
A four-course dinner accompa
nied the conversation and included
ham sandwiches with American
cheese and mayonnaise on white
bread, Hostess Twinkies, Oreo cook
ies (all filling) and vanilla ice cream.
A good time was had by all.
One big-ass assteroid rips apart
Lincoln; school’s on, baby, and
Heckler holds a news conference
ASS2 from page 3
and calls to their offices were met
with an answering machine message
that simply said: “We haven’t had a
day off since October.
“Screw you. Clean this one up
yourself.”
Seriously, Sandy Ford is a big-ass gangsta
SANDY from page 5
too. We’ve got to stop this madness.”
For their part, the*team supports the
coach’s innocence. Nikki Rubik’s-Cube
said bandy ford is a great coach living
the straight life.
“If you say anything bad about him,
you’ll get a permanent attitude adjust
ment,” said Rubik’s-Cube, who paused
his videocassette recorder at the .
BURGER
FIEND
eve ’*e 6&te fat eten*Utty
Ha-ha, you bastards!
You thought you could remove us from the Nebraska
Union, didn't you? Well, your plan failed, and we will come
back even stronger, with new dietary abominations that will
ravage your colons, your waistlines and even your very souls!
Prostrate yourselves before us now, or we will destroy your
pathetic campus.
By the way, don't forget to try our tasty new fries!