Snorts
Paulie Sandy Ford disguises himself by wearing a hunk of cheese and standing with a poor, defense
less little boy. Sandy Ford immediately ditched the kid and ran for his life screaming, “You’ll never
catch me. You will NEVER catch me.” They did after he stopped to catch his breath.
By S Mysterio
Senior Teamster
In a shocking development.
Nebraska women's basketball coach
Paulie Sandy Ford has been identified
as one of the biggest sports mafia lords
in America by the Sports Bureau of
Investigation.
An SBI official, who is in such
deep cover he would only be identified
as “Sheets." said the bureau has been
tracking Sandy Ford for at least 15
years from his earliest days at Western
Kentucky.
Sandy Ford is supposedly accused
of winning too much, getting too many
fans to go to games, and just being an
"all-around intimidating guy”.
“Paulie Sandy Ford a k a Fat Paulie
aka Slick Paul a k a Two Shoes Magoo
is one of the most dangerous and pow
erful men we've come across,” Skeets
said. “We feel like he might be the
ringleader of'La Hoopsa Nostra.'
“It's commonly known as 'our bas
ketball thing.”’
Sandy Ford denies having any
knowledge of La Hoopsa Nostra or
being involved in organized victory.
“These men, who say these things.
they hurt me,” Sandy Ford said in his
dimly lit office standing next to his
hired goon. Rizzo. “I have never done
anything to them How can they assault
my character like this?
“1 am a coach, a businessman if
you w ill. These things they say of me,
they are personal, not business."
Skeets accuses Sandy Ford of
devising new inventive ways to win
games and bribing fans to come TO
home contests. In one such incident,
Skeets said Sandy Ford authorized the
passing out of several thousand free
tickets to Nebraska students and to the
general public.
“He's buying those people off.
can't anybody see that?" Skeets said.
“My God. man. Fat Paulie has so many
people on the arm, we'll never infil
trate his organization.”
Sandy Ford also has tried to coach
his team to intimidate other teams,
especially with his pressure defense,
Skeets said.
“What does he want his team to
do?. ” Skeets said. “Get a lot of steals.
See! Its right there. Fie wants them to
steal the ball! Last time I checked,
stealing was against the law.”
Another SBI agent, who is in even
deeper cover than Skeets and must be
referred to as “Mr. X.” said he began
the investigation of Sandy Ford at
Western Kentucky.
Mr. X said Sandy Ford built a pow
erhouse program there, a “certainly
shady deal.”
“I mean, we're talking about
Western Kentucky here," Mr. X said.
“Fat Paulie must have promised these
girls something to get them to Western
Kentucky. He must have bought them
off. period. He must have told them
they'd win a lot or something. Very
strange.”
Sandy Ford merely smiled at that
accusation and said: “I made them an
offer they couldn't refuse.”
Hearing that. Skeets said, proved
Sandy Ford's shadiness.
“You see, I told you!,” Skeets said.
"Any man that can build a program
like this at Nebraska cannot be trusted.
Now Dan Knee, there's a basketball
coach on the up and up. Totally
mediocre teams. He’s no crook.
But Fat Paulie. I’m telling you. the
guy just wins too much. Before you
know it, thousands will be showing up
at women's games. They’ll be in on it
Pleaze see SANDY on 7
Knee searches for holy parts
From Staff Infection
A crowd of angry fans mobbed
Dan Knee after the NU Comhumpers
lost to Lincoln High in the LINT
Tournament Tuesday.
Knee was dismembered by at least
10 disgruntled season-ticket holders
and three members of the yell squad.
About 50 fans fought for his tie.
Jimbo Maneater, who wrestled for
Knee’s right arm, said the game was a
slap in the face to the Cornhumper
legacy.
“There we were, trying to prove we
were at least the 1,405th best team in
the nation, and we lost it to a bunch of
prepubescent teenie boppers,”
Maneater said. “The least we could
have done was won the LINT.”
NU ex-player Cookie Monster
said it was sad to see the team go down
on its Knee.
“It wasn’t all his fault,” Monster
said. “Sure, the Nietzsche pep talks
and death metal warm-up songs were a
little hard on us, but that’s just a style.”
Knee, lying in a puddle at mid
court as janitors searched for his limbs
strewn across the bleachers, said he
was not fazed by the attack.
“Merely a flesh wound.”
T-Ron Fruit Lues responds to a blue-blight special in Sporting Goods.
Funnily enough, Kmart was having a sale on basketball hoops, giving the
washed-up former Husker the chance to impress his new co-workers with
flashy layups.
Lue
Kmart, not the NBA, is Lues dream
By S. Mysterio
Danny Knees Son
NUL point guard T-Ron Fruit Lues
shocked journalists and basketball fans
alike when he reversed his decision to
go to the NBA Tuesday and signed with
a another professional organization -
Kmart.
Lues signed a one-year, S5.75-an
hour contract that will see him assume
many duties, including cashier and
price-checker.
i'm really excited to be a part of a
winning team." Lues said. “I'll wear
my red shirt with pride.
“I know I said I was going to the
NBA. but as soon as the press confer
ence ended my heart just heard that
blue light calling. This is what wanted
all along."
Lues said he and NUL Coach Dan
Knee sat down and discussed his
options which included staying in col
lege, going to the NBA or working at a
establishment like Kmart or Target.
Knee said after looking everything
over, he and Lues decided the discount
store industry was the best way to go.
“They've got a hell of a dental
plan," Knee said. “After six months,
he'll be eligible for a Kmart employee
investment plan. You're not going to get
those top-notch benefits in the NBA.
“You'll get millions of dollars, sure,
but you won't get that warm feeling
that goes along with being part of the
Kmart family.”
People all over the world of basket
ball are praising Lues’ decision to work
at Kmart. Michael “Cash” Jordache
was especially supportive of Lues, say
ing his action was groundbreaking.
“If I hadn't decided to be the
world’s greatest basketball player, I
would have worked at Kmart for sure,"
Jordache said. “I've always dreamed of
being a customer service representa
tive.”
Lues said he definitely felt “the
Kmart mystique" the first time he
walked in the store. While he was
courted by Shopko. Walmart and Best
Buy. Lues said nothing could compare
to the onginal cheap store.
“The first time I saw that blue light
for the blue light special, I fell on my
knees and cried.” Lues said. “It was a
religious experience.”
Then there's the speaker phone,
which Lues ranked among the greatest
aspects of the store.
“When you use that phone, chills
go up and down your spine,” Lues said.
“I mean everybody in the store can
hear you when you say, ‘Jodi, men's
clothing, line one.'You can't get that
type of action in the NBA.”
Billy Bob Rhodes, 17-year-old
manager at Kmart, said he enjoyed
watching Lues play for the Humpers
and expects him to be handy in numer
ous positions.
“T-Ron has great cart vision.”
Rhodes said. “He just seems to know
where the abandoned carts are in the
store.
“We're going to use him in sporting
goods, for sure. But he's the kind of guy
you can use anywhere. We'll probably
use him for our Salvation Army guy
who rings the bell outside at
Christmas.”
Along with signing Lues, Kmart is
also actively recruiting former Golden
State Warrior Killing Spreewell, whose
services became available after he tried
to choke his coach to death last fall.
Rhodes said putting together Lues
and Spreewell would be a lethal combi
nation - in more ways than one.
“We’d have a heck of a rec-league
team, I’ll tell you that, man.” Rhodes
said. “We’ll kick everybody’s ass every
day of the week and twice on Sunday.”
As for Lues, he said he hopes to
eventually to be headed for the big
leagues someday: Super Kmart.
“Anybody who ever puts their hand
on the blue light and take the Kmart
oath w'ants to be there,” Lues said.
“Super Kmart is a kingdom in the skies
I can only dream about.”