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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1998)
ASSTEROID! Rock levels Lincoln; classes on Former Humper Head Football Coach Tommy Osbore tries desperately to catch the falling meteor Tuesday as a stunned Humper player looks on. Not known for his great hands, Osbore missed the meteor and hasn’t been found since. TED, PUT IN THE REST OF THE CUTUNE HERE WIU. YA? THANKS. ASS from page 1 swered. Jonzin, speaking by phone from his nuclear fallout shelter Tuesday morning, said he knew of the possible collision for days. He became flus tered when asked why he had not yet made the trek to campus. “What? Why in the world would I go out there? It’s a disaster area not meant for man nor beast,” he said. “But it’s not that bad for students on campus. “Damage caused by asteroid col lisions aren’t figured in the campus climate. “With a little effort students should be able to get to campus.” Meanwhile, students living off campus had the unenviable task of digging out from the debris and human remains. Downed power lines, trees, hous es and the State Capitol made the walk for some treacherous and the drive to campus nearly impossible. Maneuvering around the piles of rubble the university placed on hand icapped accessible ramps also was nearly impossible for many students in wheelchairs. Once on campus, students had trouble getting in the doors to most buildings because the buildings, themselves had been converted to ruins. “I guess my English 150 profes sor isn’t showing up,” said Ima Dourkyfreschmin standing next to where Andrews Hall once stood. “Damn. I was up all night writing my huge final paper: ‘Love: What is it good for?”’ Even though most professors were either injured, missing or stranded on a debris-covered high way, Professor of Rap, Race Relations and Media Manipulation David Heckler took the opportunity to stage another press conference/rap concert. “Yo yo, G, this gives me and all my homies another chance to hold another press conference up in here,” Heckler told the group of about 100 reporters who were hanging on every word he said. “Gather round y’all. I got more to say that has nothing to do with anything. “I should slap a lawsuit on the university for making me come to campus, endanger my life and oppress my WHAT THE HELL!!!! AAGGGHH” Heckler was silenced by an organ that plummeted from the top of what was left of the Cantfeel Administration Building. And while the catastrophic scene was the same all over campus, Jonzin and NUL Chancellor Jamz Weezer stood behind their decision to hold classes. “These students are paying a shit load of money to attend classes at such a rigorous academic university,” Weezer said from his home. “We’re strong-willed Nebraskans for God’s sake. We can’t let a little molten rock keep us from learning.” Nebraska Union Director Darrell, Darrell and his other brother Svenson said although the catastrophe would not stop union construction, students would be forced to pay an extra $100,000 per semester for some minor damage caused by the asteroid. “An asteroid collision was never figured in planning, so completion will be pushed back one, two - no more than 15 years,” he said. He also quickly reversed his deci sion on tobacco sales and said, along with cigarettes, the university would sell crack and heroin to raise money for the university renovation project. “Believe me,” he said winking, “it’s big business.” Damage done to the football sta dium will also force student ticket prices to increase about $ 100 a game, but Pathetic Defartment officials said they were planning to raise prices that high before the asteroid hit. To calm student concern in light of the situation, the Association of Nimwits in University Scandal held a forum. Then ANUS passed a vague resolution condemning the asteroid, thinking it would make it all better. “Student government is good!” said outgoing president Kurd Woo hoo-wee. Woo-hoo-wee’s comment forced ANUS second vice peon Ragin’ Amy to fine him. Todd Munster, who was n’t present at the meeting and is in no way involved with ANUS, was also fined. In anticipation of the following morning, NUL Parking Services offi cials also were licking their chops at another day of classes because it meant the chance to write more tick ets. “These people with cars stuck under the asteroid rubble should real ly think about getting them out,” an unidentified parking service Nazi said. “It’s a bitch getting the tickets on cars with no windshields or wipers, but we’ll find a way. “Oh, yes. We will find a way.” Landspeeder Services employees were nowhere to be found Wednesday Pleaze see ASS2 on 7 Diversity, schmiversity; all white males rejoice By Old Lint Staff Couch Potato Ready or not - here they come. And they’re ready to take back the house. White males from throughout the country will be trudging into Lincoln today to honor polka, naked pasta, greasy chips, Falstaff beer, torn recliners and foot ball during the first annual National Caucasian Male Week. For the inaugural event, the Fraternal Order of White Males in Chippewa Falls, Wis., has chosen “Take Back the House,” as its theme. One million white men decked in bright white tube socks, white tank tops and neon orange hunting gear are expected to ride in on their Harleys and pickup trucks to attend the kickoff event, sponsored by the Chug-a Lug Brew Crew. “We’re lost. We don’t know what to do or where we fit anymore,” said Joe Smith, an organizer. “Donna Reed, Ward Cleaver and Archie Bunker really had the right idea.” Local businesses also are getting into the spirit by holding white sales city wide. Also Lincoln’s “upscale” hotel, The Cornhumper Hotel, has offered free rooms to the men. “We really think this is something we in Lincoln can rally around,” the Cornhumper manager said. “This is the kind of event we like to be associated with.” The men are glad to final ly have a week to themselves. A week when that nasty word “diversity” takes a back seat to “chauvinists.” Most events will be held on NUL’s Farm Campus. Other events include: ■ “The Essence of the Trailer Park.” The film will document the quirks that make a trailer park and its families tick. It will be shown in one of the alleys downtown. There will also be a white marshmallow roast. A tour of a white 1987 trailer will follow the film and par ticipants are welcome to sleep outside under the bright white stars. ■ TV Channel-Surfing in the Farm Campus main lounge from 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. every night. Cheesey poofs and vanilla ice cream will be served. ■ An all-day workshop on jumping will be offered at NUL’s Wreck Center Friday beginning at 6 a.m. ■ Melta Upsilan Phraternity will be sponsor ing a fastest-dad-to-take-off the-belt-to-whip-your-kid contest today at 3 p.m. ■ A benefit concert for Vanilla Ice will close out the week with a free concert April 8 from 5 p.m. to 5:05 p.m. Ice said he will wel come donations, though, to help him pay his rent.