‘LameGain’ bill stops intelligence at Nebraska borders, blah, blah
By Todd Ler
Our Little Frangais Fry
The Legslater approved an
amendment Tuesday to the so-called
“Lame Gain” bill proposed by Sen.
Hunka Hunka Bruning Love of
Omaha.
Bruning Love, the original spon
sor of the bill, proposed an amend
ment to a Gov. Bennie Smellssome
proposal that would make sure stu
r
dents who receive scholarships from
the state stay within its borders for
three years after graduation.
Utilizing the state’s ownership of
a satellite and a top-of-the-line
tracking sensor inserted into the
scholarship recipients’ brains, the
state patrol will be able to monitor
the movements of graduates as they
near Nebraska’s borders.
“The operation to insert the chip
into the cranium is virtually painless
and leaves temporary scarring,”
Bruning Love said.
“All we’re asking for is complete
servitude for three years,” he said.
“We give you money, you give us a
small part of your life.”
But that’s not all.
At the request of Nebraska
Attorney General Dom Neuremberg,
Sen. Katie Never Withit proposed an
amendment to hire the National Pet
Protection Co. to install an electric
field around the state.
Never Withit said any graduate
of the scholarship program who tried
to leave the state would receive a
“sharp electric jolt.”
Neuremberg said that electrocu
tion would be an effective means of
controlling workers’ behavior.
“If those whiny little brats get
within five feet of Colorado, they’ll
be zapped to kingdom come,”
Neuremberg said, wringing his
hands in delight.
Bruning Love then proposed to
allow women to opt out of the sur
veillance program if they give up
their firstborn child to the state.
He said it would be more ethical,
and besides, the children could be
used as unpaid errand runners in the
Capitol’s chamber.
“We’d no longer have to pay
those little twerps to fetch our cof
fee.”
Weezer, NUL officials
part of $moke $creen
By Miles Davis
King of Soul
The chancellor and his comrade
are heading for Marlboro Country,
and they’re raking in the dough while
they’re at it.
A Daily Harassment exclusive
investigative report has revealed that
NUL Chancellor Jamz Weezer and
Nebraska Union/Homeless Shelter
Director Darrell, Darrell and his
other brother Svenson, have been
peddling cigarettes in the back of the
Cornfield Administration Building.
The cigarette sales are illegal
under Nebraska State Statute CIG
666, because neither Weezer nor
Darrell, Darrell and his other brother
Svensonhave applied for a tobacco
license.
Lanscrapper County Attorney
Very “never-call-you-back” Racy
could not be reached for comment.
Never. Ever.
NUL Police Chief Hen Gobble
said an investigation has revealed
that several key university adminis
trators are involved in the cigarette
sales ling.
Gobble said police found Weezer
and Darrell, Darrell and his other
brother Svenson selling cigarettes to
student government second vice
president Ragin’ Amy.
Ragin' said she was part of a
sting operation the Association of
Nimwits in University Scandai orga
nized to catch the cigarette smug
glers in the act.
“I will fine the hell out of both of
them!” Ragin’ said while puffing on
a Pall Mall.
And then Ragin’ said something
else.
Weezer said though he makes
more than $300,000 each year, he
will not pay any fines because he
said he was not a part of the cigarette
ring.
“I just want to increase the acad
emic rigor on this campus,” he said.
Police said a trench coat full of
cigarette packs - including brands
like Marlboro, Kool, Virginia Slims
and Shur Fine - were taken from
Weezer.
Pinned on the coat, Gobble said,
was a button that read “I love organ
music, Falstaff beer and academic
rigor.”
But Weezer said the coat was not
his.
“I certainly do not drink beer -
and definitely not Falstaff beer,”
Weezer said.
Weezer said he represented the
university at many social functions,
at which alcohol is served.
“Now, I’m certainly tanked most
of the time like any good administra
tor, but I absolutely do not drink
cheap beer,” he said.
Darrell, Darrell and his other
brother Svenson said he also was
unaware of any illegal cigarette sales.
“Cigarettes are immoral,”
Darrell, Darrell and his other brother
Svenson said, “and I mean to banish
them from this campus at all costs -
specifically $593.32 added to stu
dent fees.”
Both Weezer and Darrell, Darrell
and his other brother Svenson have
pledged to ban all cigarettes from
Nebraska Union/Homeless Shelter.
NUL Regent Stu Killer said this
alleged activity was one more reason
all administrators should be fired
and replaced by computers.
ANU$ spends
oodles to cheat
By Jessica Just Farted
Smelly “Reporter”
Last night the truth came out.
Receipts and invoices from
businesses not listed on
Association of Nimwits in
University Scandal financial
reports from March were leaked to
the Daily Harrassment Tuesday
night, the night before the official
swearing-in of the new ANUS
president
Ralph Lauren Polo gear, thou
sands of bottles of laxatives and
male escorts were used for dirty
campaigning by SUBMIT candi
dates.
More than $6,789,063,890 was
spent by SUBMIT, which was
peanuts compared to the 13 cents
that INCISION’S Juan Weakman
and Just Masked Me blew on the
elections.
SUBMIT is refuting claims by
INCISION that it bought the elec
tions and actually contributed to
the moral decline,of the “campus
community.”
But new president Sumo
Rustler said she did not contribute
to moral decline - in fact, everyone
looks a lot better thanks to SUB
MIT.
“We provided the entire geek
system with Ralph Lauren turtle
necks, underwear and sweaters,”
Rustler said. “They have expensive
taste.”
Weakman accused INCISION
of not being “diverse” in choosing
its clothing lines and said a lot of
geeks already have these things.
“I would like to see more
Tommy Givethefinger and Anne
Whine worn by candidates for
ANUS positions,” he said.
Weakman also accused SUB
MIT of doping its drinks at the
post-election party at the Dead End
Zone with thousands of laxatives.
“Man, I got to the party, had a
drink, and three minutes later I was
on the pot,” he said. “For three
hours.”
Masked Me said the elections
actually did “clean me out,” physi-s
cally as well as financially.
It is not easy to earn the kind of
money INCISION spent on the
elections, Masked Me said.
“I worked hard for that 13
cents. I stood a full five hours on O
Street as people threw change at
me,” Masked Me said.
Rustler and SUBMIT went a
little further.
Rustler also reportedly hired
16 male student “escorts” to boost
morale at a SUBMIT “work party”
at Rustler’s sorority house.
NUL kisses cola a$$
Weezer’s lips found firmly planted on PeepsVs butt
By Rice Blend
Grammar Boy
In the strictest move since the
NUL-Peepsi Cola beverage alliance
went into effect, Chancellor Jamz
Weezer announced all television sets
and computers are being removed
from campus because administrators
have no way to prevent students from
seeing Cooka-Coola advertisements
or logging on to Cooke Web sites.
Weezer said the removals are
necessary to comply with the second
of three phases in the Peepsi contract.
Phase one - the removal of all
Cooke products from campus, is
complete. Phase two, now under way,
involves re-educating students who
still prefer Cooke.
Phase three will be a vast cam
paign of gangland-style fear and
intimidation against those who still
do not comply.
Weezer said the University of No
Learning would have lost 79 cents of
the $405 billion it is receiving from
Peepsi if it did not remove the televi
sions and computers. But he said he
understands student frustration.
“It’s unfortunate that we had to
take this step,” he said. “We want our
students to be able to make their own
choices. But what we want even
more are ridiculous, obscene
amounts of money.”
Several students took solace in
learning that negotiations were under
way to make the QVC Shopping
Network the sole TV network avail
able at NUL.
Peepsi Director of Re-education
Joseph Goebbels III said he is
pleased with the announcement.
“This is an important step in our
joint effort to erase Cooka-Coola
from the annals of history,” he said.
“I should add that all who oppose us
will walk knee-deep in the blood of
their children.”
Some students voiced their dis
pleasure with the announcement,
including sophomore civil engineer
ing major Marty Richards, who said
he plans to transfer to the University
of Choke-kansas in Larry, Kan.,
which has a contract with Cooke.
Richards later was found brutally
murdered in his residence hall room.
On a wall, scrawled in blood, were
the words: “Generation: Who’s
I
«—
Yet it also sends
the message that if
you don’t enjoy our
product we will
travel the lengths of
the earth to hunt you
down and destroy
you.
Joseph Goebbels HI
director of re-education
F**cking NEXT?!”
Goebbels denied Peepsi’s
involvement in the incident, despite
the message’s striking similarity to
the popular Peepsi slogan
“Generation: Next.” He said that slo
gan has been abandoned for a new
one: “In time we will rule the world.”
“It’s catchy - the kids will love
it,” he said. “Yet it also sends the
message that if you don’t enjoy our
product we will travel the lengths of
the earth to hunt you down and
destroy you.”
In related news, Assistant
English Professor of Rap, Race
Relations and Media Manipulation,
David Heckler was put on secret dou
ble probation for distributing e-mail
prose that makes several references
to Cooke, even though the prose sup
ports Peepsi.
r I
Editbore: Pasta Lasagne
Manhandling Editor: Bad Loins
Ass Is Sweet Editor: Urine Shuttle
Ass Kiddn Editor: Ned Nailedher
Argument Editor: Air N. Greets’em
Onion Editor: Baby Gerber
Shorts Editor: Garth Wannabe
S&M Editor: DefScandel
Sloppy Desk Chief: Rice Blend
Phat Director: Buyin’ Sod Land
Resign Co-Chiefs: J. Me. Zorro
Tbni the Tiger
Fart Director: Big Papa
HardonUne Editor: Eggo Bums
Questions? Comments? Kiss off.
Screw you and leave us alone or e-mail us
at DN@BLOWMECUM
Asst Underling: Any Pendleton
Geo. Manabore: Dan the Man
Humiliations Bond Running Miles.
Hadrwoqun: (402) 472-7211
Call this guy: Dawn Wouldn’t
(402)472-72111
Panhandler: I.M. Partched,
(402)$$$-$$$$
Naive Director: Dusting Back
Classy Ass Manager: Speck O. Dust
Facts number (402) 472-6666
World Wide Web: www.nul.edu/DaiivHar/
The Daily Harassment comes out whenever we damn Wei please. Dont send anything to us. Send
subscriptions to your mom. The public has access to the Humiaiions Board, where nothing realty
happens but, hey, there's free lemonade when you're lucky.
Readers are encouraged to submit to the Daly Harassment by caNng your mom.
Subscriptions are $1 mtton for one year.
Postmaster: Send money to the DeulyHarassment, P.O. Box 6969, Natchez, Mississippi.
ALL MATERIAL COTTON-BLEND WASH COLD COLOR SEPARATE 1996
THE DAILY HARASSMENT