Munson for president
Pencil sharpeners, toilet seats, tutors and Todd - a perfect combination forASUN
TODD MUNSON is a junior broadcasting
mqjor and a Daily Nebraskan columnist
Pop quiz, hotshots: What’s the bigger farce?
A) WCW Wrestling
B) ASUN Elections
C) The Jerry Springer Show.
If you answered “B,” congratulations. You’ve obviously sur
vived one before. If you answered “A” or “C,” don’t worry, little
freshmen, if this quiz is given next year, you’ll know the correct
answer.
Last week, I attended a debate between the Association of
Students of the University of Nebraska parties. I should have
known not to attend when they handed me a pair of those eye
grabby things from “A Clockwork Orange” as I walked in. I
tried to question their purpose but was cut off in mid-sentence.
“Be sure you turn these in before you visit the reprogram
ming station,” said a faceless automaton in a monotone voice.
I tell you what, those business college students are as ubiqui
tous as frostbite at an arctic nudist colony.
“What the heck,” I thought, “it can’t be any worse than my
barium enema last week.” I was wrong. And not the “pardon me,
I thought we were doing the Viennese Waltz” type of wrong,
but the “you just called a heavily intoxicated Navy SEAL a
sissy” type of wrong.
With my ocular restraints in place, I was ready to see
some sparics fly and possibly some name-calling. Instead
there were answers to questions that Willy Wonka
couldn’t sugarcoat any better. Because I love each
and every one of you out there in Readerville, I
will spare you the excruciating details. Just
believe me when I say more sparks fly
by rubbing two pieces of stale bread
together than watching an ASUN
debate.
I just realized something. I’ve
been writing about the candidates as if »
you all know something about them.
Unless you are the candidates them- 1
selves, I know you don’t know a thing 3
about them, so allow me to explain their *
virtues, or lack thereof.
This year’s election is kind of differ
ent. There are two parties as usual, but
this year, instead of being one greek-type
party and one regular student’s party, they
both come from a heavy greek back- Amy Martin/DN
ground.
They both have keen names too. There’s Commit Us, er,
COMMIT, and Gross Puss-filled Lesion, uh, VISION. They
both share virtually the same inane platform. “More committees i
to try to, maybe, make something happen.” In my four years
here, I have yet to feel the impact of anything ASUN created.
Essentially, in both parties you have a group of smug elitists
who think they are the chosen ones to lead the university to suc
cess and fame. In ASUN elections, they see an opportunity to
pad an otherwise dull resume. For example, why does a math i
major feel she can run student government? ,
A week and a day from now, the elections will be held. The
result is a scam worse than the Academy Awards.
What really bothers me is those who don’t exercise then
right to vote. If history repeats itself, something like 14 out of
24,000 students will vote in the elections. Because of the wishy
washy attitude of students, pinko fascists, like those running for
ASUN, assume control of the university.
So what to do? It seems like it doesn’t matter whom you vote
for - the holier-than-thou sect of the university will gain control.
Ah, what the hell, vote for me.
That’s right, in the spirit of Frank Barela, Russel Hirshan,
Mildred Howard, Ross Perot and all the others who tried to
crack into government as third party candidates, I declare
myself eligible as a write-in candidate for the ASUN presidency.
I’m the logical choice for the third party. I’m mentally unsta
ble enough. My 7. 8Q GPA nuts me in svnch with nerrent of
the students here. Along with my rip-roaring GPA, I’m here
on student loans - no scholarship or trust hind for me. I was
president of my second grade class. I won by one vote
because the kid I ran against didn’t know you could vote
for yourself. I studied for two years at the
London School of
economics, so I should be able to cut costs.
Hold on, I don’t want to lie, yet. In reality I received a much
jamed D+ in Economics 210. And I’m not afraid to say I have
nhaled.
ASUN elections are a joke, but I’m not joking when I say:
‘Write me in as president.”
Think of me as the dude who represents everyone who’s
lever voted in a student government election. It will be an inter
jsting experiment No Web sites or silly banners for me. In my
campaign, I vow to stick to my allotted $25 budget that comes
from one plasma donation.
Like my two new opponents, who suck worse than a broken
/acuum, I too have a platform; only mine is in seven simple
Darts:
v
1) Declare the Friday before the first home Husker football
*ame a campuswide holiday from class! Everyone’s incited.1
We’ll get some bands in, have a barbecue and shake our booties
until kickoff the next day.
2) Erect a giant marquee announcing campus events next to
the Nebraska Union. The reason nobody shows up for campus
events is because it requires a healthy dose of dumb luck to
oiow about them.
Tonight, David Silverman, Animation Director for “The
Simpsons,” which happens to be the greatest
television show ever (yes, this is a gratuitous
butt-kissing as it is a dream of
mine to someday write for the
_ “Simnsons’T is SDeakine at the
Nebraska East Union. The only
way I knew about it was because
, I saw Bart’s head behind a flyer
for a 1977 Pinto.
3) Toilet seat covers in all uni
versity restrooms. ‘Nuff said.
4) Make tutors available to the
average student. Let’s forget about
the nine honors students here and
concentrate on the rest of us.
5) Make pencil sharpeners readily
available. I know this sounds stupid, but
. have you ever seen a pencil sharpener in
a classroom, the union or Love Library, for
that matter?
6) Improve the bicycle parking on cam
pus. Perhaps an indoor garage for bicycles.
It’s about time we do something nice for the
; students who risk life and limb to make itto
school-everyday.
7) In a final display of sucking up* enact a
bill that declares the Teachers College as die
pride of the university.
ASUN elections are next Wednesday,
March 11. If you’ve never voted, get out and
do it. If you want UNL to become sun-shiny
days and lollipops, don’t vote for COMMIT or
VISION, but write in Todd Munson.
Shut the Gates
Computer magnate Bill Gates needs to be stopped before he takes over everyone’s soul
CLIFF HICKS is a junior
new 8-editorial and
English major and a
Daily Nebraskan colum
nist.
Bill Gates tried to buy my soul
the other day.
I didn’t have much of a choice,
really, as much as I would have liked
to keep it, but I own a computer and
Bill told me, “Well, I’m afraid you’ll
have to give me your soul if you
want to keep using the computer.”
“Don’t take my soul, Mr. Gates!
I’ll... I’ll... get a Macintosh!”
He laughed that insane, megalo
maniacal laugh of his and looked at
me with that domineering look in his
eyes, and said, “I just bought Apple,
son.”
“Nooooooooooooooooo!!!”
And then I woke up, but it wasn’t
that much of a dream, I’m afraid.
Bill Gates partially owns Apple.
Bill Gates wants the Internet as his
own personal playground. Bill Gates
wants to own art and religion.
Haven’t you wondered why he’s
trying to control the world? Bill
Gates was the ultimate nerd in high
school. I’m starting to think his
whole quest for world domination is
simply so the man can get a date.
I’m not exaggerating things
when I say Gates wants the world.
He really has put money into Apple
computers, which is turning to mail
order only. (Wait, they get more
money so now they’re not in stores?
Huh?) He owns digital reproduction
rights to the majority of the world’s
art classics, and he was, at one point,
attempting to bring the Catholic
Church into the digital age - for a
small profit, of course.
The man who’s got the cajones to
try and make a profit margin off the
big G scares me just a little.
And Gates still wants the
Internet.
It was funny, but Barbara Walters
interviewed Bill Gates not long ago,
regarding this whole scandal that
Gates is in up to his arms. Let me
give you the skinny:
Gates makes Windows ’95,
which almost all computers come
with. He’s including his Internet
browser in the program, giving it for
free. Gates says it’s not illegal
because he’s not making profits
(directly) from die browser and that
people can still change over. The
Justice Department says it is
because the program doesn’t say
“Internet Explorer” anymore, just
“The Internet.” And trying to extri
cate Explorer from Windows ’95 (or
’98, ’99, ’00 or whenever the next
version comes out) is kind of like
trying to give yourself a quadruple
coronary bypass while on laughing
gas and riding on Disney’s “Space
Mountain.”
Walters, in her piece that had
more fluff than the pillows of five
star hotels, asked Gates about this
and he said he was simply trying to
give everything simply. He even
made an analogy about how selling
Windows ’95 without Internet
Explorer was like buying a car with
out the wheels. He was just giving
people the whole thing at once.
Well, no, Bill, giving us
Windows in any form with Explorer
is not only like selling us the hill car,
but forcing us to use your kind of
gasoline for as long as we own the
car.
I’m on the side of the Justice
Department. I don’t like being
forced to have anything. If Gates
thinks it’s so essential to put a
browser in the new operating sys
tem, why not include both Netscape
Navigator and Internet Explorer? Oh
wait, that’d be playing fair; never
mind.
He’s even changed die way the
windows look so that each portion
of your hard drive now has its own
address. Everything LOOKS like
Internet Explorer on your desktop! I
think if Gates could beat the U.S.
mail system, he’d do that too!
Doesn’t this seem like a strike at
world power to you? Your hard drive
is suddenly just like the Internet.
“My Computer” is suddenly in its
own little address bar at the top of
the screen.
Back, foul Gates-demon, back!
Beyond all of this, Explorer has
this teeny-tiny flaw in the program.
It is possible, using only the regular
Web, to crash computers via remote.
Or insert a virus. Or tell a computer
to erase itself. Or any other number
of endless things. There are ways
through which Explorer lets anyone
with the know-how do whatever they
want to with your computer.
So, if Gates wanted to, he really
could hold the world at bay; force all
our screens to constantly show pic
tures of cheese; subliminally influ
ence everyone to hist after him.
Heck, the boy’s got to get a date
somehow. But I don't know if I want
Gates scouring through my hard
cfrive.
It’s about time someone did to
Gates what he’s been doing to us for
years.
The Justice Department has the
chance to stop this before it goes any
further. The mythical Windows ’97,
which has gone to being Windows
i 1 '
’98, will have full Gatesian control
unless they stop him. Send letters to
the Supreme Court, the Justice
Department, Gates himself, anyone
with power! You may think I’m a
doomsayer here, but I’m tellin’ ya, il
Gates wins this one, it’s curtains for
the free Internet that we know.
Since Gates controls the Web
browser, he controls tlje Web, and
through the Web, he controls just
about everybody.
If we win, the Supreme Court
will tell Gates to pull every line of
code related to Explorer from
Windows out and force him either to
give it away for free like everyone
else, or better still, sell it like every
other program on the market.
If you think the program’s so
good, Mr. Gates, let it stand on its
own merits rather than thrusting it
on people. But you and I both know
that sucker would plummet a lot
faster than tlje Titapic (fid, pd make
a heck of a lot less money.
I hate to say it, but it is possible
that Gates could win. If he does, we
will silently lose control of the Free
World, and Orwell’b nightmarish
“1984” just might come true.
I’d quote some of it for you, hut
I’m pretty sure Gates has bought
that, too.
And now Gates is trying to buy
my soul. Yours as well. I don’t know
about you, but Emperor Gates has an
awful ring to it. _ _____