Canadian conformity
Assimilation is the goal of our northern neighbors
TODD MUNSON is a
junior broadcasting major
and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
From America’s point of view, the
world is in a state of disarray.
Saddam Hussein is up to his usual
monkey business. Fidel Castro refus
es to do America a favor and finally
decide to die a much-awaited death.
The yen plummeted but is now on the
way up after the Japanese govern
ment began peddling the secret to the
Orient for only $19.95, “Be a Ninja
in Six Weeks,” available on VHS or
AllHinHnnlr fr\rmat Anri in
the “oral” office, the adventures of
our hillbilly president just get wacki
er every day.
Amid all this hoopla, America’s
way of life is being undermined and
overrun by a strange and foreign
nation.
No, it’s not Russia. Even though
the country is run by the mob these
days, it is so broke that it’s selling off
fighter jets for less than the cost of a
used Pinto.
It’s not China either. It is too busy
making running shoes, trying to
change Mother Nature with the
Yangtze Dam project and oppressing
the Buddhist monks in Tibet.
I’ll give you a clue. It’s the second
largest nation (area-wise) and many
of its citizens already walk among us
undetected.
Brain still hurting from the week
end?
Our secret and unknown threat is
our sneaky neighbor to the north -
Canada.
Yes, Canada.
For years now, those cantanker
ous Canadians have been doing a
mean Borg impersonation and have
been slowly but surely assimilating
America into their flock of Canucks.
If you don’t believe me, keep read
ing.
After an hour of intense research
and deep analytical thought, I have
gathered enough indisDutable evi
dence that proves that if America
isn’t carefUl, we all will someday be
answering questions with an eh?, and
will lose the ability to pronounce the
letter “O.” Please hold the catcalls of
“paranoid psycho” until you read the
following manifesto.
Let’s start from the beginning.
For myself, the pro-Canada pro
paganda started with my second
career choice. After the realization
that becoming the engineer of the
train at the Henry Doorly Zoo was
reaching for the pie in the sky, I
decided for a more attainable career. I
wanted to become a Royal Canadian
Mountie and ride around on a trusty
steed named Steed just like my hero
Dudley Do-Right. My mother shat
tered my heart when she said you had
to be Canadian. So, I decided to
become the next best thing: a truck
driver who hauls nothing but pigs; a
pig-truck-driver if you will. That
probably will never happen either, so
I guess broadcasting will have to do.
The blitzkrieg from the north
continued further into our formative
years with the lovely Canadian pro
gram “You Can’t do that on
Television.” How many young, once
wholesome, American minds were
warped and twisted by Moose
McGlade and company? The neuro
surgeon who performed my lobotomy
at age 11 said my brain was reduced
to a lifeless pulp thanks to that show.
Today, though, the onslaught of
Canadians into the American media
continues to swell. Michael J. Fox,
Mike Meyers, k. d. Lang, Alex
Trebek and Paul Schaffer are just a
few celebrities from the great white
north.
Guys, how many of you have
posters or adult magazines that fea
ture Pamela Lee? Destroy them now.
That “Baywatch” babe is a Canadian
going incognito in the United States.
Each time you think of her in that
special way, you are neglecting your
native country’s women.
The most glaring example of
Canadian infiltration of American
media can be found in the anchor of
ABC’s “World News Tonight.” Yep,
Peter Jennings. Each night a native of
Canada tells the news to millions of
Americans. Watch him sometime.
When he nods his head in that way he
does, read his lips. He is saying
“Someday you will all bow to
Canada” ever so subliminally.
In the realm of American sports,
Canada is beginning to dominate.
Look at how many hockey teams are
springing up in the United States.
Conversely, do you see an explosion
of American sports teams in Canada?
There are a total of four - two in bas
ketball and baseball. Football doesn’t
count since they have their own rules
up there.
Heck, last week, gracing the hal
lowed pages of the Daily Nebraskan,
was a story about the Canadian ath
letes at the University of Nebraska
Lincoln. The latest is an I-back
recruit named Dahrran Diedrick. I
thought that coveted position went
only to either a native Nebraskan or a
speedster from the bad part of Los
Angeles.
While we’re on the subject of
sports, I’d bet that more Americans
know more words to Canada’s nation
al anthem than “The Star Spangled
Banner.” The last time I heard “O’
Canada,” it was stuck in my head for
days, it’s just so catchy.
Global wanning is coming and so
is a Canadian invasion. According to
scientists, who are a lot smarter than
myself, global warming, believe it or
not, will be the cause of the next ice
age. Canadians are used to experienc
ing winter for 11 months of the year,
but an ice age might be too much to
deal with. More than 90 percent of
Canada’s population lives along the
aorder. That means they could storm
into the United States at a moment’s
lotice. They will probably wait until
we are just a little more like them,
[hough.
What can the American people do
to stop the assimilation into a conti
aent of Canadians? There are two
aptions.
If you like the idea of becoming
Canadian, go check out the Canadian
government’s home page. It has
jverything you need to know about
becoming a citizen, including a guide
puprvrlav livino snrh ac mpptino
people, shopping and using public
transportation. It’s actually an inter
esting site; I’ve never seen a country
advertise for immigrants.
Or, if you think the American way
of life is the way to fly, just keep up
the good work. Make sure you litter
at every opportunity, practice bad
manners, refuse to use mayonnaise,
drink plenty of American beer, and
punch anyone in the nose who uses
the metric system. Most importantly,
buy plenty of guns for your own pro
tection, and support the militias in
Montana, Michigan and the other
states that border Canada. When, the
day comes, they are our first line of
defense.
I don’t know about you, but I’m
already studying for the Canadian
Citizenship Aptitude Test. Anyone
know what “DeGrassi Jr. High’s”
Spike’s real name was?
I’ll make a note of that
Committees are a sure-fire way of'gettingnothing -dme
CLIFF HICKS is a junior
news-editorial and English
major and a Daily
Nebraskan columnist
The whole damn country has com
mittee-itis.
If you have a problem with the mod
em world of any size, shape or form, all
you need to do is form a committee or a
task force to better study the problem.
Hogwash.
When I saw that the state of
Nebraska was proposing a bill that
would “establish a hate crimes task
force,” I knew we had gone too far.
Surely they had to be kidding, I thought
to myself.
Then again, I also thought G.B.
Trudeau was pulling my leg when I first
read about California’s “Self-Esteem
Task Force” in Doonesbury.
Both of these, amazingly enough,
are true.
The state of California actually has
a “Self-Esteem Task Force” and our
beloved state of Nebraska is trying to
form a “Hate Crimes Task Force.”
Part of the problem here is the
phrase “task force.”
A task force, in my mind anyway,
brings back images of films I watched
in the ’80s, along with “Mission:
Impossible” reruns. I think of a military
strike group organizing to complete a
task of national security. But this con
cept holds little similarity with what the
task force means according to our gov
ernment.
A task force is another way of say
ing “committee.” No more, no less.
Committees almost never do any
thing.
Standard Committee Operating
Procedure:
Get together, agree there is a prob
lem, say “There isn’t much we can do
about it now; we should study the prob
lem further."
Adjourn for a few months.
Repeat.
Let me put it to you this way: I have
never seen a committee do much of
anything of worth, mainly because
committees don’t do much. They sit and
argue a lot. They claim they’re doing the
will of the people. They say that all of
this is for our benefit. We, on the other
hand, never see much of any results.
Do you see why they’re hiding
behind the word “task force” now?
Committees think and ponder and
argue and discuss and take months of
time to do very little. Take, for example,
the city of Grand Island. When Gov.
Ben Nelson proposed building another
state prison in Nebraska, a committee
was formed to decide where in the state
to place it.
No wait; this gets better.
Grand Island then formed another
committee to decide whether or not
they should be considered as a possible
site for this prison. After a period of
months - months, mind you - the com
mittee decided to propose a location
within Grand Island as a possible site
for die new prison.
So we have one committee deciding
whether or not the other committee can
even consider it, and this takes up
another few months. A committee’s
main goal is to consume time and give
people something to be good about
A committee discussing hate
crimes can be there all day. They’ll all
agree how wrong hate crimes are.
Someone will say “I don’t understand
how these people can do these kinds of
things,” and everyone will shake their
heads. One person will say “We should
do something.” And another will agree.
Thai someone will ask “But what?”
One person will recommend stiffer
penalties for hate crimes, but then
someone will object, asking who will
define hate crime. Another will propose
a law that puts weighty fines on hate
mongers, but another will point out that
it would be unconstitutional the way the
law is written, because that law’s defin
ition of “hate crime” interferes with
“free speech.” _
People will argue for hours and
hours and hours.
Thai, come the end of the session,
all the people involved will agree how
much “progress” they made this ses
sion. They’ll all smile as they get up,
sound in the idea that they are doing a
good thing for the community by help
ing in the decision-making process.
They pat each other on the back and feel
good about themselves.
But no decisions are ever made. Or
if they are, they are unsatisfactory to the
general populace at large.
Sooner or later, someone might
come to the task force asking for a rec
ommendation, and the response will be
the same each time - “We’re still dis
cussing it.”
Eventually the task force will be
disbanded as people either lose interest
or get frustrated with the lack of
progress, or they’ll suggest something
that will immediately be struck down by
the people and then become dis- >—=»
heartened.
“We wanted to make a differ
ence,” the members of the task IT
force will say. Q
I know - I have been
down that road. ^
When I was younger, I
was appointed to a task Mfc
force. The superintendent (m
of our school district ijif
decided to form a task
force to better keep in touch uL
with the students. I, being Wk r
second in command of my
high school’s newspaper, was
asked to join it, which I did. n
About four months Into
it, I left the task force.
We weren’t making a Wr' T
difference - we were there jij
to make the superintendent Jk
feel better.
I sat, having breakfast AM
with him and about 20 Jm
other students every sec- fjm,
ond and fourth Tuesday of
the month, and we dis
cussed the state of affairs in
our schools. There were hon
ors students and students jmPJwk
who barely had a digit in ymJk
their GPAs. vy
Each time 1 would bring
up a problem, the superinten
dent would say “That’s intei
esting. I’ll make a note of that.” And
nothing ever got done about any of it. I
would ask every so often and he would
tell me they were “studying the prob
lem.” No one ever acted.
See, I wasn’t the one with the power
in this setting. I couldn’t change the
schools, no matter how much I wanted
to. I was not the superintendent.
Forming a hate crime task force
isn’t going to do much good because it’s
not going to change people’s opin
ions. You can add
penalties and heft
fines galore, but it’s
not going to
change people.
We’ve been
issu
ing speeding tickets for
task force is not in chaige of what it is
trying to change.
So gather your committees and
lawyers. Pass resolutions and file suits.
Prepare every bit of action you can
come up with. Get every court in readi
ness for your prosecution.
Then give it all up.
Lawyers and laws won’t change the
way the people think - only people can
do that..