mm ii ■■ i
TODD MUNSON is a junior
broadcasting major and a
Daily Nebraskan colum
nist
It’s important to set goals.
At the start of each week, I make
up some new goals. Usually, they
revolve around waking up for class,
prying myself off the couch and
washing the dishes, or uncovering the
truth behind Xena and Gabrielle’s
relationship on “Xena: Warrior
Princess.”
Believe it or not, I actually make
goals for what I write each week here
at the Daily Nebraskan. Most of the
time, it’s in the form of making as
many sexually explicit jokes about the
elderly as possible or finding some
group to pick on. Don’t worry Burr
Hall, you get the week off (At least for
now; I’m not done yet).
One of the goals I always set is to
write a column that doesn’t include
references to beer or some drunken
frolic that results in the sodomy of a
burrito as big as my head. If I can
exclude such poignant anecdotes, that
means I could send a sample of my
work home to the family. For my
Mary Poppins-esque mother, stories
of her eldest son hitting the skins with
some refried beans would make her
cry.
Oh crap! I didn’t want to mention
Wetter is better
ASUN candidates should push for end to dry campus
beer this week, but I just did. I might
as well keep going with it I’ll write
something fit for my mother another
time.
In a couple of months or so, it will
be time for that time-honored tradi
tion known as the Association of
Students of the University of
Nebraska elections. Each year, two
warring factions of students duke it
out in the political arena. One group
will come away the winner, victorious
by a margin of 12 votes to 11.
The big reason for such low voter
turnout is the opposing parties never
have anything good on their respec
tive platforms. Each year it’s, “We
need more computers for the honor
students,” or, “We want to make UNL
a serious institution of higher learn
ing.” A quick glance at the all-campus
GPA will tell you that the University
of Nebraska-Lincoln has about 23
honor students.
For all you future resume builders
out there who are planning on running
for ASUN this spring, I’d like to pre
sent a campaign idea that you’re invit
ed to pillage and claim as your own. I
would have brought it up with the cur
rent members of ASUN, but we all
know they don’t do anything but fre
quent gentlemen’s clubs. Right,
Malcolm?
It’s about time UNL becomes a
wet campus. Not the booty-shaking
kind of wet campus that gets
Chancellor Moeser to vomit on his
beloved organ, but the kind of wet
campus that would teach students to
drink responsibly.
A while back, I spent an extended
amount of time on a wet campus and
saw none of the binge drinking or vio
lence that comes with booze.
Stanford University, or “The
Farm,” as it’s known, Is a wet campus,
but drinking is allowed only during
organized parties at the students’
dorms. Each weekend, a different stu
dent housing unit hosts a party.
Rumor has it Chelsea Clinton loves to
boogie down. The student assistants
serve as chaperones, making sure that
nothing gets out of hand. As the night
winds down, students will hoof it to a
different dorm for pizza or other vit
tles hosted by the students and staff of
that building. The end result at
Stanford is that students learn to drink
responsibly and don’t ever have to
drive home drunk from an off-campus
party. It also helps that 90 percent of
students live on campus.
Using Stanford as a guide, here’s
my plan.
Let’s make UNL a wet campus on
Friday and Saturday. That way, the
university doesn’t promote slacking
off during the week. Drinking would
be allowed only in the dorms or greek
houses, during organized functions
registered with the campus police.
These functions would be held in des
ignated places, such as in the rumpus
rooms with the weird furniture for the
dorms and on the ground floor of
greek houses. To ensure that general
mayhem is kept in check, student
assistants would pry themselves away
from the television and Cheesy Poofs
and supervise dorm parties, and the
greek set would have to nominate
(read: force) someone to stay sober to
keep things to a dull roar.
The kicker is that since the func
tions are registered with the police,
the fuzz can pay a visit whenever they
please. How would students under 21
get the hooch? The same way they do
now. That way the university wouldn’t
be accused of contributing to the
delinquency of a minor.
The benefits from opening the
floodgates are many. Students would
no longer have to risk their lives dri
ving to off-campus parties. Students
in the dorms would actually get to
know the people on their floors and in
their buildings. Does anyone really
show up for ice cream day? Also, they
could concentrate on their studies
rather than devoting their brain power
to new ways to sneak beer up to their
rooms. In the age when frats are drop
ping like flies, a party at three bucks a
head would be a great way for a house
to stay afloat
Besides, it would be nice to elimi
nate the double standard that happens
in the parking lots on a football
Saturday. No Big Red fans drink out
there, do they?
Granted, Stanford recruits higher
caliber students than UNL, and they
require a bit more for admission than
the ability to breath on a semi-regular
basis, but with a little effort and
responsibility, a wet campus can work
at UNL. But hey students, let’s try
something interactive. Mark the ballot
below and send it back to the Daily
Nebraskan at Room 34 Nebraska
Union. If I remember, I’ll print the
results, and perhaps the folks who
plan to run for office this spring could
include a plan for a wet campus in
their platform.
----1
I 1
1 1
_Yes. I think Todd’s j
j plan for a wet campus is excel- !
lent and I want to stroke his ego |
until he purrs like a kitten. He’s
such a stud, we all know he was j
Mark Wahlberg’s stand-in for
the final close-up of Dirk :
Diggler’s equipment in i
j “Boogie Nights.”
_No. Todd’s plan for a j
j wet campus sucks worse than a
broken vacuum. I want to crush
j his ego like a watermelon at the i
hand of Gallagher. He’s such a j
T tissue of “
i onnaise and
i affectionately refers to as
! “Rosie.”
L.- J
Seeing is believing
German surveillance will be abused _
1 -licjmoo vuj?*n a aiariw m pnti i r**
CLIFF HICKS is a junior
news-editorial and
English major and a Daily
Nebraskan columnist.
Laura shakes her head, looking
down at the newspaper confusedly.
Sure, she thinks to herself, it isn’t
worthy of being the top story, but
this? This is a story some editor con
sidered unimportant.
“Malicious, isn’t it?” the young
man in the leather jacket says as he
settles into the seat across from her, a
cup of Irish Mocha in his hand. “I
mean, people say I’m paranoid and
all, but this? This, I don’t think
enough people are paranoid about.”
The headline, buried on page five,
reads “GERMANY OKs ELEC
TRONIC SURVEILLANCE.”
“I have to confess,” she says, “if I
were in Germany, I’d be scared to
death.”
He nods, taking a sip from his
coffee. “You’d think people would
learn after the first time. Hell, we
don’t allow continuous bugging for a
lot of reasons.”
“You think they’re going to go
rampant with it?” Laura asks him.
He laughs softly. “Of course they
are. History dictates it.”
She arches an eyebrow inquisi
tively, urging him to go on.
“When Hoover was in charge of
the FBI in the United States, he start
ed keeping files on anyone at all sus
picious - politicians, musicians,
actors, you name it.”
“Actors? How can an actor be
suspicious?”
“I could introduce you to some
actors who are very shifty-looking,
but that’s not the point. The point is
that Hoover started watching every
one, and I mean everyone. If you so
much as let wind in the wrong direc
tion, your phones would be bugged,
your mail would be steamed and there
would be a gentleman in the car
across the street from you at all
times.”
“Wouldn’t it be fair to say Hoover
is an isolated incident, though?”
He shakes his head, biting his bot
tom lip, choosing his next words
carefully. “Not at all. You know the
old saying - ‘Power corrupts;
absolute power corrupts absolutely.’
Hitler’s Gestapo listened in on tele
phone calls all the time. During
World War II, Japanese-Americans
were imprisoned in America because
of unfounded suspicions. All it takes
is one person getting antsy, and pretty
soon you have a whole mess of trou
ble on your hands.”
“So why’d they do it?” she asks.
“Who?” he replies, the question a
little vague for him.
“The Germans today.”
“Organized crime.”
“What?” she questions, almost
stunned. “Germany’s having a prob
lem with organized crime?”
He nods as he takes another sip
from his mocha. “Sure, I think every-,
body is these days.” |
She picks up a french fry,
twirling it in her fingers. “It’s just m
when I think of organized crime, I Jm
think of, well, you know - ‘The W
Untouchables’ and ‘The %
Godfather’ rolled into one.
Germany doesn’t really enter into
the picture.” 1
He tilts his head a little, shrug- ]
ging. “Organized crime doesn’t have
to just be about Italians talking about
what good ‘family’ men they are.
These days, the Internet can work
wonders. As the rest of the world
goes up technologically, so do our >
criminals. They get smarter and they ^
learn new tricks.
“They’re probably sending com
muniques back and forth through the
Internet as we speak,” he says.
“Somewhere in the world, there’s a
group of hackers trying to break
encryptions so they can scam credit
cards. People are subtly trying to
influence die market. Every time a
new technology is invented, it’s only a
few short minutes before someone
has figured out how to abuse it”
“So you don’t think the Germans
should have passed the law?” she
asks.
He shakes his head, frowning a
little. “There are too many people
who might abuse it. Even if the law
wasn’t passed, there will always be
government cronies spying on the
people - they’d just have to be more
hush-hush about it.”
She frowns at this herself, a little
confused. “What’s the difference
between if they
had not
naccorl *
you can find a judge to pay into your
pocket. If the government wants to
beat the grass to scare the snakes,
they’ve got the perfect stick already at
hand. Making it legal simply makes it
easier for the government.”
“Think there’ll be a dictator over
there any time soon?”
He finishes off his coffee, shaking
his head once more. “Not any time
soon, but it might happen. The reunit
ed Germany is going to be watching
grow complacent any time soon.”
“I suppose. I don’t expect that
they’d be all that pleased about part
ing with their hard-earned freedom,
either,” she says, pausing as she
notices someone across the cafeteria
looking over at them.
Both of them stop and look at the
gentleman, who turns his attention
quickly back to his food. The two of
diem look back at each other, laugh
and shake their heads, muttering,
“Nah, couldn’t be ...”
law and
now?”
“Now it can be used as an intimi
dation tactic,” he replies. “That’s only
one thing, too. Luckily, they did stip
ulate that a judge had to approve the
bugging, but if you look hard enough,
• Matt Haney/DN
