Friday, December 12,1997 _ _ ^ Page 9
<D I
Santa Claus paints the town red
(Editor’s note: This is not what it seems. Please keep
the following fictional account out of the hands of babes.)
By T. Theodore Taylor, BJ. Gabriel Schulte
and J. Dietrich Goodwin
Daily Nebraskan Senior Elves
ENID, Okla. - To all the little boys and girls who were naughty this year
You’ll wish all Santa gave you was a lump of coal.
In an era when youths are packing heat instead of books to go to school,
selling drugs rather than lemonade and engaging in behavior that appalls
even British nannies, the jolly fat man said this year he “ain’t havin’ any.”
“Some of those kids, come Christmas mom’, will wish to God they’d
never been bom - bad that is,” Claus said when the Daily Nebraskan caught
up with him in - of all places - the Enid trailer resort he calls home during
the irritating summer, fall and early winter months.
“I’m gonna’ whip ‘em with canes of candy. Oh, the pain they’ll feel
when my switch gives them a lickin’ that’ll make ‘em shrill.”
Claus said after numerous heated discussions with Mrs. Claus - now liv
ing in a woman’s shelter - and his eight tiny reindeer, he decided to forego
merely dropping coal in the stockings of naughty boys and girls, and instead
start handing out good ole’ fashioned butt-whoopin’s.
“If their parents can’t do it—I guess it’s illegal now to discipline your own
chile - then by the Christ chile, jolly St. Nick will,” he said with an unSanta
like smile, rubbing his black-gloved hands together for a long, long while.
“See, it used to be that when a chile lipped off, you took that lip off with
the buckle of your belt,” Claus said, pouring cat litter on his concrete lean-to
rec-room floor. (Blitzen got in last night.) “Now, some snot-faced kid points
a shotgun at ya’, and yer s’posed to make sure he dgn\hurtjijsse|j'” ^ ^
Letters have been drawn up to parents and guardians of those children
under 18 who, this year, Claus said: had seen jail time, sat in the back of a
police cruiser for more than 20 minutes, had been called to the principal’s
office more than 10 times; and to the parents of those who currently have
weapons in their high school lockers but just haven’t been caught yet. (To
those: Santa knows.)
“From those there letters, parents will know bells will be ringin’
Christmas Eve - in their kids’ heads,” Claus said. “These kids have lost their
Christmas privileges. Me and some pipe-hittin’ deer are going to get
medieval on some young smartasses. Any injuries, however, will be minor,”
he quickly added, smiling at the floor. v
“I don’t want to hurt die little punks, I just want to get my point across in
a manner more finer.” *t
Santa said he was certain a good butt-kickin’ from someone who many
consider the jolliest man alive might knock some sense into some of
the naughtiest and most despised. -
«
Me and some pipe-hittin ’deer are going
to get medieval on some young smartasses.
Any injuries, however, will be minor.”
Santa Claus
The godfather claus
Mr. Claus, however, continues to believe his mission this Christmas
involves more than laying out good cheer - such as laying out some ungrate
ful suburban kids after he’s had a few beers, he said.
“When Santa stops his delivery of millions of presents to children across
the world just to whip your butt,” he said, “you know you’ve screwed up and
had better stop acting like a chump.”
Parents have responded to Santa’s letter advocating the return of corpo
ral punishment, St. Nick said, saying they were glad someone could go
beyond the law to straighten out their really bad eggs. Mr. Claus confirmed
that the overwhelming majority of the letters were from Texas, where chil
dren have been known to completely disappear during the holiest of nights.
“When Ed was three or four I could spank his little bottom until he
begged,” said Emily Burlowitz, whose son was suspended from a Bubba,
Texas, junior high last week for possession of marijuana. “Now if I touch
him, I’m afraid he’ll pull a shotgun on me just like he did on his ex-girl
friend,.”
Santa, Cupid, St. Patrick, Elvira and the rest of the Seasonal Security
CouncilvotecUast week tobegjp^immechgte^ftie “semi-violent reshaping
“Their butts will be as red as Rudolph’s nose,” Santa said with a fed-up
look. “I’m done with their uproarious donnybrooks.”
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, said he and his seven reindeer friends
wouldn’t mind the extra time Santa spent inside the homes of America’s
Most Wanted children.
“The longer he stays in the house, the longer we get to stay out here and
toke,” Rudolph said, his nose getting redder. “I’m not going to say it’s getting
tougher to guide his sleigh, but I will say His Jolliness is not laying off the
Potato Oles.”
Critics of the Seasonal Security Council’s decision to take the values of
every boy and girl into members’ hands have said it could tarnish the repu
tation of ole St Nick and the others.
“The boys and girls who do their homework, wash their hands after
, ^ going to the bathroom and haven’t
NsTC'lv fired weapons at people, you
Claus vs. claus
But according to Mrs. Claus, resorting to violent and irra
tional behavior when he is unhappy or, as she says, “had too
much good cheer” is nothing new for the “Saint” Nick.
“When I first met Nick, he promised me the world: a
stable of obsequious reindeer; a beautiful glacial estate
and all sorts of battery-operated toys,” she said, her
tears diluting her vodka tonic.
“Well, Nick has all that and a lot
more,” she continued, “like a brain
numbing gold ring on his right hand,
enough liquor to kill an Irish elf and a self
esteem problem that would embarrass
Margot Kidder.”
Mrs. Claus has
exaggerate in the past; however, in an
unsightly episode in the late ’80s
fled into the open arms of ano
ruddy-nosed American enigma,
Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.), only tor
pear three weeks later, proclain
his alcoholism interfered with
his personal and pro
fessional life. Her
claims were
widely dis
missed.
have nothing to
worry about,”
the fat man
said in
response.
“But for those
who know
they’ve been
naughty
rather than
nice ... lock
your bed
room door
‘cause
Santa
Claus is
goin’ to
town.”
Jon Sypal/DN
thickens
Dickens plot
By Sean McCarthy
Assignment Reporter
Blue Bam Theatre company promises to put
the dick back in Dickens tonight when “Reform
School Timmy! (An XXX-mas Carol)” begins
its holiday run at the Magic Theatre, 16th and
Kamey streets, in Omaha.
The cheeky and campy holiday tale came to
be last year when Tim Siragusa sat down and
started writing $ holiday story. In two four-hour
sessions, Siragusa developed the story of
Screwge, a man who has a day to come out of the
closet or else he will turn into a roomy, gangly
drag queen.
With Hughston Walkinshaw, Siragusa
opened the play last year. Along with co-direct
ing “Reform School Timmy” with Siragusa,
Walkinshaw also plays the role of Screwge,
under the name of Roderick Hughes.
With good word of mouth, “Reform School
Timmy” drew sell-out crowds throughout its run
last year. This year, most of the cast has returned.
And like last year, most of the cast goes by pseu
donyms. Walkinshaw goes by Zack Humbee
and Siragusa goes by his pen name, Tanqueray
LaVoris.
uuujss you Know us, we never use our real
names,” Siragusa said. j
Walkinshaw saicpy§|gusa got his pen name * j
from die famous liquoipadding that Siragusa
was under the influence of that liquor when he
wrote “Reform School Timmy.” But Siragusa
insisted it was caffeine and a certain non-holly
green plant that helped him develop the play.
Because most of the cast returned for this
run, few changes were made. Although a Rudy
Ray Moore tribute was added. Moore was the
central character to the enduring Dolemite!
series of the 1970s that featured cinematic epics
like “Human Tornado.”
Other ’70s elements surface throughout
“Reform School Timmy.” In one scene, Screwge
clearly can be seen watching a ’70s pom film.
“There’s no real nudity, though,”
Walkinshaw said “It’s all a joke.”
Sticking to the format of “AChristmas
Carol,” Screwge is visited by three ghosts. The
ghost of Christmas Present is a J Crew catalog
saleswoman, played by Jill Anderson. The ghost
of Christmas Past is a 1970s gay porn star,
played by Joe Fogarty. The ghost of Christmas
Future is a lesbian gym coach, played by
Michelle Zacharia.
Walkinshaw said most of the humor in the
play is very broad, plenty of it high-camp.
“It’s for people who are fans of South Park,”
he said.
Two audience members will get a chance to
do more than laugh at the play, however. Each
run, the cast pulls an audience member out of
the crowd and gives him or her a shot of liquor.
“People usually like to go to a really nice,
serene Christmas story,” Walkinshaw said. “And
this'is raucous and loud. People plan their par
ties around this play.”
To get into the Christmas mood, the cast
went to an Omaha production of “A Christmas
Carol” and Siragusa has read the Dickens clas
sic numerous times.
Siragusa said he appreciated the other pro
duction, but he realized his version served a dif
ferent purpose.
“Because of advanced publicity, everyone |
should know what they’re in for,” he said.
“Everyone expects to be shocked.”
The shows, running Thursdays through
Sundays, Dec. 11 through Dec. 28, begin at 8
p m. Extra Friday and Saturday performances
are at 10 p.m. Tickets are $10 and may be pur
chased by calling (402) 345-1576.
Because of language, subject matter and
some racy scenes, “Reform School Timmy” is
an 18-and-over show.
“It’s hot going to be a Muppet Christmas,”
Siragusa said.