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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 1, 1997)
TODD MUNSON is a junior broadcasting major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. “Many a Zen master envies the Hinsdale s serene ability to teach the eternal truth that it is in loss that one gains and that, here in the solitude of the Hinsdale is most certainly where men come to find themselves.” - Rodger Welsch November, 1986. (Taken from a plaque above the uri nal in an Architecture Hall bath room.) For the past two weeks, I’ve been on a mission. It took me to, what some would consider, hell and back. It wasn’t a search for the holy grail, but it comes in a close second. My quest was to find the campus’ holy stool. 1 hat s right — the perfect toilet. Due to some silly law, my search for the perfect hopper only includes men’s rooms. That’s OK though because it seems that women have no problem doing their business in any Old john. Blame it on some weird chromosome in the XY chain, but men simply cannot drop their friends off at just any pool. Ladies, look around right now. See any men grimacing like they just watched their dog get hit by a by a runaway monster truck? If you do, chances are he has to go No. 2. Watch him suffer as he refuses to do the smart (i.e. womanly) thing and go visit the nearest can. Instead, he’ll endure the pain for hours, days, or weeks until he can return to the solace of his home toilet and a 6-month-old Sports Illustrated. But spmetjut^s Mother Nature’s call is too strong and she demands the call of the wild be answered before you get home. Porcelain goddess Atmosphere required when it comes to finding relief That’s where my handy guide comes in. Where on campus to sit broken hearted trying to — you know how the rest of the verse goes. Going for the multimedia approach, I asked for the help of a certain talk show where the subject matter is usually at the toilet level. The folks at “Three Men and a German,” heard every Monday from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. on 90.3FM KRNU, encouraged their vast audience to call in and vote for their favorite campus toilet. My plan was to write down all the responses and go check them out. To the lone person who called in and voted for Love Library, I thank you. The search begins... To ensure that I would have plen ty of, uh, research material, a major change was made in my diet. In two weeks I ate five pounds of spinach, a dozen boxes of Mueslix, and drank enough Fiber-Con to fill a pony keg. The result of my crusade was nothing less than sheer rectum scorching fim. Here are some high lights. Let’s start with the Sheldon Memorial Art Gallery. The elevator ride to get to the bathroom scores some points but the design of the bathroom takes them all away. In an artsy fartsy place like the Sheldon, I figured the toilets would be carved from virgin Italian marble, there would be raw sheets of silk with which to wipe, and miniature statues of David would cheer you on. No dice. All the artsy stuff was left upstairs and all the fartsy was con fined to the men’s room. I would have to recommend it to those who easily get performance anxiety. During my visit, not a soul came in to join the party. Next was the basement of Avery Hall, home of probably the most antiquated john on campus. Real neat layout and plenty of room but the concept of wooden toilet seats is too sketchy. Just imagine the horror of having to go to the University Health Center to get a splinter extracted from one of your buns. If it ever happens to you, make the university foot the bill. Halfway through my search I had a problem - die friends didn’t want to go to the pool anymore. No worry, I’ll just go to die Campus Recreation Center, jog a few laps, shake my innards up, and check out the bathroom. My plan worked until a strapping young buck walked past and his towfel fell off before my eyes. That loaf crawled right back into the oven. That night the urge came back while I was in Love Library. Nothing inspires bodily functions like search ing for a document m the stacks. In the ground level boys’ room I encountered a huge safety concern. Two of the stalls have a feature I labeled the “Pendulum of Death.” When you release the latch on the stall, the door, which for some unknown reason is spring loaded, swings at you with brute force. If you get hit just right, I bet you could sue your way to a free education. The final stop was in the Nebraska Union, where a banner proudly announced the opening of the new bathrooms. It was an improvement. The stalls now have doors but the faux marble is top tacky and seeing a hobo wash him self in the sink was a major turnoff. The NebraskaUnion is the one place I refused to do my business. I rate it half a notch above your average bus stop only because there’s pinball to take you mind off nature’s call until you get home. My research lead only to another question: How much toilet paper does UNL use? Pat Bartek of the Custodial Crib ■ had the exact figure. In a calendar year, not counting the residence halls, UNL uses 66,432 rolls of squeezably-soft comfort. The figure from the residence halls was less exact, between 600 800 cases with 96 rolls per case. If you add the two figures using 700 cases as the average you get 133,632 rolls of the white stuff. This leads to a bigger question. Why, in this age of gross commer cialism, doesn’t the University have an official toilet paper spon sor? Let’s get rid of the abrasive government issue fine-grain sandpaper and get something billowy 1 \ and soft with some aloe vera perhaps. TVio mrvn ^ ' mixture, four years of wiping would give students a brand addiction that would carry over into their post graduate days. To pinch this column off, the per fect toilet is on the first floor of the Neihardt Residence Hall. One stall, a shower, a good sized sink, and most importantly a lock. You could stay in there for days. Matt Haney/DN BARB CHURCHILL is a graduate student in saxo phone performance and a Daily Nebraskan colum nist Redemption. That is what the University of Nebraska-Lincoln needs most. Or do you all prefer what others say about us now? Bad as it is now, it’ll be much, much worse if the powers-that-be at UNL refuses to observe the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday on January 20,1998. What, you don’t agree? Just think of some of the wonder ful things that people say about us now. “The best thing that comes out of Nebraska is 1-80.” “How do you get a Nebraska grad off your front porch? Pay for die pizza.” Those are the facts, folks. This place isn’t exactly known for its cos mopolitan nature or personal refine ment. The vast majority of people think that Nebraska grads are “hicks from the sticks.” Maybe they’re right. After all, if the angry white men in the UNL faculty senate refuse to allow the Martin Luther King Jr. holi day to take place, we WILL look like idiots. Maybe all of these other peo ple, such as Mike Kils (source of the above offensive jokes) of the Colorado Springs Gazette, are right about Nebraska. Or, maybe they’re wrong. On Nov. 21, the faculty of both Minorities at stake UNL’s racial climate could benefit from added holiday East and City campus met in support of a Martin Luther King holiday that cancels classes for faculty, staff, and students. “It’s not just about getting a free day,” said Rodrigo Cantarero, an associate professor of community and regional planning. “We’re an incredibly heterogeneous world. People who will be graduating need to deal with the majority out there, where they’re the minority.” Cantarero is speaking in refer ence to a 1992 study by UNL’s Bureau of Sociological Research. That survey was on the racial climate ofUNL. Guess what? Whites felt there was no problem; minorities felt quite differently. And, of course, this little problem that we’ve had in trying to decide whether or not to observe the King holiday didn’t sit too well with his widow, Coretta Scott King, when she was here in town. King understandably (and obvi ously) believes that the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday should be celebrated across the country. King said, “I look forward to your reconsideration and to that affirma tion in the not too distant future.” Chancellor James Moeser tried to ease her mind. Moeser said, “The university should honor Dr. Martin Luther King with a special holiday and I believe that it will.” No offense, chancellor, but you must “put your money where your mouth is.” After all, Moeser knows what will happen ifUNL refuses to honor King. Other states have ignored the King holiday, to their economic detri ment. For example, in 1993, Arizona refused to honor King. There were direct and immediate consequences to Arizona’s action. The NFL took away the 1993 Super Bowl, and awarded it to Miami. Later, Arizona caved in; but it was too little, too late. The Super Bowl didn’t come back to them, and they lost mega-millions in Super Bowl sales. On a lesser scale, this will happen to Nebraska if we refuse to honor King. We need as many bargaining chips as we can in order to recruit qualified women and minorities. Currently, women and minority professors encompass just 36.6 per cent of the faculty. In practical terms, this means that “Joe Blow Student” may never have a black professor during four to five years of study. John Payne, chairman of the NU Board of Regents, was called upon this past June to defend its relatively few minority and women professors. “We believe diversity in higher education is critical if we are to pro duce graduates who will be able to work and compete effectively in the global economy,” Payne said. Payne also confirmed several sta tistics. In 1996, women comprised 28.2 percent of the faculty (all ranks). And, in 1996, minorities comprised 8.4 percent of the faculty (all ranks). Mr. Payne, answer me this: If you are a minority professor, why in the world would you want to come hare? These figures are unacceptably low. However, they are a slight improvement from 1991, when women professors comprised 25.4 percent and minority professors com prised 5.9 percent. If UNL refuses to honor King, how in the world is UNL going to attract quality women or minority faculty? As it is. Nebraska has a bad repu tation on race relations, thanks to incidents like the one in Norfolk. Never heard of that, you say? Well, this story isn’t exactly fit for human consumption, at least, not in 1997. Ricky Moses, who was applying to be a parole officer with the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services, was well-qualified for the position. However, Moses is black, and that evidently concerned a few state employees. Senior parole officer Lois Dover expressed “concerns” to her supervi sor, Michael Reddish, that a black person as a parole officer wouldn’t be accepted by the local residents, because Norfolk (like most of the rest of Nebraska) is more than 95 percent white. Stories like these make my skin crawl. Who cares whether or not Moses is white, black, Hispanic or Martian? And what business does Moses’ race have to do with how well he could do his job as a parole officer, should he be hired? And they certainly don’t help when it comes to recruitinj women or minority faculty members. After all, in the past year we’ve had the Sigma Chi cross burning, an “unfortunate” incident; racism was not intended. Then, we have this Norfolk inci dent. The Nebraska Equal - Opportunity Commission said, “Two of die hiring committee members did discuss their concerns regarding whether a black parole officer would fit into the Norfolk community. However, evidence indicates that the same hiring decision would have been made even in the absence of this improper consideration.” Once again, an “unfortunate” incident; racism was not intended. Can the state of Nebraska survive a third incident of unintentional racism? The consequences of ignoring the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday are profound, and more is at stake than just “taking another day off” or “missing a chemistry lab.” UNL is the premiere institution of higher learning in Nebraska. We are justifiably proud of our high academ ic standards, our many celebrated graduates, and our excellent football team. But, we should not settle for second best when it comes to racism. Observe the King holiday, and then you have a chance in minority recruiting. Observe the King holiday, and improve our reputation. Observe the King holiday, and wipe the egg off of our collective faces. Anything less would be uncivi lized.