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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 26, 1997)
-U_: STEVE WILLEY is a senior news-editorial major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. My editors and I have an under standing: They have agreed to con tinue paying me for writing a week ly column, and I, in turn, have agreed to Bathroom humor defined senousiy nmn my usage oi me phrase “pecker” in said columns. But really, we get along as well as any boss and employee could expect to. I know I push the envelope sometimes, but I don’t mean any harm. ■ ■ JghnSypal/DN a pretty numorous meeting to watch. The conversation usually goes something like this: Me: “Hey, I was thinking about a column on doo-dooing. Whaddaya think!? I mean, everyone does it, right?” Editor: “I don’t... (silently counting to 10) ... what about the problems A1 Gore has got with cam paign spending? (sighing) I mean, don’t you want some serious clips for your postgraduation portfolio?” Me: “Boogers! How about a col umn on boogers!” This volley of ideas goes on for about 20 minutes and typically ends with the editor shouting, “You’re not human!” - and throwing her computer at me. But later, I always get the same apologetic e-mail. And it always has the same phrase as a salutation: “Just don’t make it bath room humor.” I’ve heard of “bathroom humor” before; it’s not new. But I’ve never understood exactly what it is and, moreover, why I couldn’t use it in my columns. After all, some of the funniest incidents in my life occurred in bathrooms. For example, there was that time when I got into a long, drawn out argument with a urinal in a local tavern. The argument quickly escalated into a full-fledged brawl after I interpreted the urinal’s silence as an insult directed at my mother. It took three bouncers and a bike cop to get me off that thing. And later, while resting comfortably with seven other drunk people at the County-City Building, I just had to laugh at the situation. , So you see, bathroom humor can Perhaps the funniest thing about bathrooms is their contents. And some contents, obviously, are more important than others. As most col lege students can attest, toilet paper is by far the most precious of bath room commodities. Rolls of toilet paper in my house are used like cigarettes in prison; they are a form of currency. Oftentimes my roommates and I make huge exchanges involving the product. If Wall Street had nothing to do with stocks and bonds, but rather, involved the various interna tional negotiations of toilet paper, I would be the “Big Daddy” of the industry. I am most proud of once coaxing one of my roommates - who I need not mention was in dire need of T.R - to totally “cave in” on a T.P. trans action. For five squares of paper, I was able to barter a foot massage, a truck-insurance payment, and an opportunity to witness him singing Debbie Gibson’s song, “Lost in Your Eyes” to a total stranger. It’s all in the salesmanship. Roomy: (wincing, and audibly in pain) “Awww man! Steve, where’s the toilet paper? There’s none in here. You got any?” Me: “The question, my friend, is not whether or not I possess any ? ; paper, but at what price am I willing to part with it? For you see, my friend, in this world ....” Roomy: “For the love of Noah AND his ark, I’m bursting!” Another interesting aspect of bathroom humor is the theory of reading on the throne. I’ve always been a reader; I get it from a long line of family members. I’ve actual ly witnessed my brother, in obvious dkMqfig; fraRti^ajlyi sawfclfcfo; t hasft’t^ad^yvjo,. r,^ misuse crucial minutes in the process and subsequently get “banned for life” from a.local den tist’s office. It is a brugri memory: I also remember visiting my grandparents’ house jS^filittle child and watching in awe as my grandpa entered the bathroom catrying a large novel, such as “War and * Peace” or the Encyclopaedia Britannica. Eventually, he would sheepishly emerge days later and utter the same phrase which has now become synonymous with my grandpa’s name: “What a great book! Honey, what’s the plumber’s number?” But you want to know what the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in a bathroom is? A telephone. I swear it! I saw one when I was recently at Harveys Casino Hotel in Council Bluffs, Iowa. Now, I don’t know about you folks, but who could be so important that he or she would need to be contacted during this - our most sacred of personal strug gles? Personally, I wouldn’t care if the pope called to inform me that I, along with Mother Teresa, had been canonized. I’d still tell him to get lost if I were on the pot. But let’s face it, those telephones wouldn’t be there if people weren’t using them. And since telephones are a somewhat anonymous form of com munication, you never know where people are calling you from. Think about that the next time you’r| tak ing to youir sifter in Detroit, aad jou hear what seems to soundjjjflcaf f donkey neiyimg^rrtfiFBackgfdand. All of this again leads me to the question Tasked earlier in the col umn: Just what is “bathroom humor?” Well, sadly, I’m afraid I still don’t have a good definition. But at the very least, I hope I’ve shown that the subject can be tact fully addressed by a competent jour nalist. just threw^^^^^o^^^^^^^. Let’s talk about sex For the last time, know your birth control options DANIEL MUNKSGAARD is a sophomore English and philosophy major and a Daily Nebraskan colum nist. For those of you who are just join ing us, I’ve been talking about sex for the past two weeks. Specifically, I made a point a cou ple of weeks ago that preventing preg nancies goes a long way toward pre venting the great debate of our time, abortion. So last week, I offered some basic information on certain forms of birth control. This week, we’ll be cov ering the remaining methods. After that, no sex columns for at least a month. I promise. The Male Condom: Everyone pretty much knows what these are - barrier devices, usually made of latex, that are placed over the penis to pre vent semen from entering the vagina. Effectiveness: 88 percent typical use, 97 percent perfect use. Pros: They’re practically the only birth control option available for men, they’re cheap (you can get them for 10 cents a piece at the University Health Center), and they’re one of the few methods that can actually help prevent most sexually transmitted infections. Also, contrary to what most absti nence-only advocates will tell you, condoms are actually quite durable, and breakage is rare. A typical latex condom can be stretched over an entire arm without breaking (not recom mended as a durabil ity test, but this makes for a rather tasteless party trick). Many come pre lubricated with sper micides, which increase the effec tiveness. Cons: While this is getting better, the biggest problem remains trying to get some guys to use the damn things. OK, so they’re not the great- — est tum-on in the world. But it doesn’t matter how much he complains; when it comes right down to it, the vast majority of guys will take sex with a condom over no sex at all. Of course, both the man and the woman can have a reasonable com plaint: latex allergies. Fortunately, there are other options available: lambskins (which can prevent preg nancy, but do little in the way of sexu ally transmitted infection prevention) and the new plastic condom (These are thinner, conduct heat better, are stronger than latex, and can be used with oil-based lubricants. You can find them at Walgreen’s under the name Avanti, and they usually run $ 11 for six condoms). Of course, they can break or slip off, especially if they’re not used properly (READ THE DIRECTIONS AND PRACTICE, DAMMIT!). The Female Condom: Also called “Reality,” this is a soft, loose-fitting plastic pouch with rings at both ends; it lines the vagina and prevents direct genital-to-genital contact during inter course. Effectiveness: 79 percent typical use, 95 percent perfect use. Pros: These can be inserted several hours before intercourse, so they’re a good option for couples who hate “breaking the mood.” Also, like male condoms, they prevent both pregnan cy and STIs. This is yet another way of dealing with uncooperative partners; however, see the Cons section. Cons: Let’s face it, it does look silly - a friend of mine once described it as “a diaphragm with a tail.” So if either of you is easily distracted, you’re probably better off with the male variety. Here’s a hint: Don’t use the female and male condom at the same time. The two materials don’t mix. Injections and „ Implants: These are hormone-based options, and are the most long-term, short of surgery. The injection, Depo-provera, involves a series of progestin shots, and prevents pregnancy for three months. The current implant option, Norplant, involves six match-sized, progestin-releasing tubes, which are inserted under the skin on a woman’s upper arm and lasts five years. Effectiveness: Depo-provera is 99.7 percent effective, and Norplant is 99.8 percent Pros: The main advantage is long term, hassle-free birth control. These are options best taken by women who really don’t want to have children any time in the near future, but are unwill ing to take the rather chastic step of surgery. Cons: These can come with a lot of side effects. They should probably not be used by women with depres sion, severe asthma or any unusual breast problems. Also, Norplant users occasionally suffer complications dur ing removal after the five-year period. ^ Usually this amounts to minor scar ring, but a few cases have been much more serious. These are options that should be taken only after careful con sultation with your health-care provider. The Morning After Pill: This is pregnancy prevention for emergency situations, such as a condom breaking or slipping off, or rape. If you go to the health center (which, thanks to its flashy new signs, now looks like your typical Taco Bell), you will be given either emergency contraceptive pills or progestin-only mini-pills. The for mer can be used within 72 hours after unprotected intercourse, the latter within 48 hours. Both flood your body with hormones, and will make many users violently ill, so don’t view it as a regular form of birth control. Please note: This is not the RU 486 abortion pill! The morning after pill prevents a fertilized egg from attaching to the uterine wall, thereby preventing it from dividing. Unless you believe that a single egg possess ing no more sentience than a blood cell is a baby, this is not abortion. So aids our little lecture. I could end with a plug for abstinence, but that’s really up for each individual to decide, and I’m not going to moralize. Sure, it’s the only 100 percent safe and effective method of birth control/STI prevention out there, but that’s besides the point, right? Read the sarcasm, folks.