Dating hell
Rules for making men presentable during courtship
BARB CHURCHILL is a
graduate student in wood
winds performance and a
Daily Nebraskan columnist.
Men are scum.
That being said, why do women
keep trying to meet decent men,
when there are next to none out
there? Dating is definitely an exer
cise in masochism. The only things
that matter to most men are a
woman’s bust size, her sexual
appetite or her wallet, rather than^er
intellect, sense of humor or their
common interests.
Why even bother looking, when
most men will only judge a woman
on her appearance, rather than her
personality or charm? Yet, in case
some of you men want to learn good
dating etiquette (and you women
want to find out exactly how bad
some of my dates have been), it’s
time to give some of these younger
guys some how to’s (or in some
cases, how NOT to’s) of dating.
Rule No. 1: Shower before pick
ing up your date. If you don’t shower,
she may not be your date for very
long - as long as it takes to find
someone with less body odor than
you.
Rule No. 2: Please don’t order for
your date, especially if you don’t
know her very well. Believe it or not,
this has happened to me (at a
Country Kitchen, no less), and it was
quite annoying. Remember, guys,
women are not children. We can
order for ourselves.
Rule No. 3: Try to look pre
sentable for your date. This is not the
time to wear that $2 outfit that you
got at Goodwill (or if it is, please
don’t brag about it!)
Rule No. 4: Please don’t bring up
sex before dinner and especially not
on the first date. It is rude. If you
must ask (for example), “So, Barb,
when are we going to have sex?”
please wait until after dinner. That
saves your $2 outfit from being
ruined.
Rule No. 5: Never brag about
your physical equipment, especially
during dinner (see Rule No. 4). Most
women now carry rulers and will call
you on it. Besides, what are we real
ly supposed to say when you tell us
anyway? “My ex-boyfriend was a lot
bigger than you, but it doesn’t mat
ter?” Or are we supposed to lie and
say, “Oh, you are just so, so huge.
Really. What big muscles you have,
etc.,” when we are really thinking
“You lying sack of #@%&.”
Rule No. 6: Be honest. If this
isn’t the best date you’ve ever been
on, don’t lie and say that it is (unless
you’re deliberately trying to be
funny). Honest and open communi
cation usually i§ the only way to
build anything that can last.
Rule No. 7: Never, EVER say
that you will call a woman when you
know that you won’t. (See Rule No.
6.) Yes, guys, this will cut down on
your sexual opportunities. But it will
also give you less grief, while saving
some good woman from heartache.
OK, guys, you’re probably ask
ing, “So, Barb, why are you just sin
gling us out? Isn’t this sexist? And
why do you keep bringing up sex,
anyway? Don’t we care about any
thing else? And, why don’t you focus
some of your energy on the women?
Are all the dating problems in the
world really our fault?”
Well, yes, guys, they ARE your
fault. We women never ask for sex
on the first date, we always shower,
and we are usually well-groomed.
We never order for you, we never
brag about the size of our equipment,
and we usually are honest about what
we want. We show you every respect
and courtesy, and we should be
shown the same. Why does that
almost never happen?
Another problem is that men are
much more conscious of a woman’s
looks than vice versa. Guys, let’s get
real here: How many of you are drop
dead gorgeous? (And why is it that
most of you think you are, when you
aren’t?) Why must WE be beautiful,
when you certainly aren’t? Why do
men prefer a beautiful-but-dumb
woman, rather than brainy-but-plain
with-a-sparkling-personality
woman, anyway? Why do physical
looks matter as much to men, when
all of our looks will fade with time?
Does personality really count for so
little in a man’s mind?
Most women are different in this
regard. As my best friend Lika says,
“The best looking guy in the world
could come up to me, and if he didn’t
have a brain in his head, I’d think he’s
ugly.” The only way for you men to
attract women is through your brains
or your hearts, not your physical
attributes.
It is perhaps this over-reliance on
the physical that causes the huge sex
ual imbalance that causes men to
break Rules No. 4 and 5. Perhaps
because I am older and divorced,
guys just expect that I am going to
want to put out. Hey, guys, I’ve got
news for you: If you don’t interest
me, you won’t get anywhere. And the
only way to interest me is to share
your life, be open and let me in.
Without that, sex is meaningless.
Besides, the best sex is called “mak
ing love” and is best done between
long-term monogamous compan
ions, such as married people or the
equivalent (since gay marriage is not
currently legal).
The only advice that I can offer
women is this: Get to know him well
before you do something irrevocable
(whatever your definition of irrevo
cable is: cooking for him, doing his
laundry, cleaning his house, making
love, whatever.) Make sure that you
are your own person and continue to
live your own life. Protect yourself
physically, mentally, emotionally
and sexually. Remember, the only
person that has to respect you in the
morning is YOU.
Guys, we women really do have
the same emotional and physical
needs that you do. We just want
someone there that really cares about
us, not as students, but as people.
Dating, when it works, is a way to
feel better about ourselves. And
when it doesn’t, we can always con
sole ourselves with the following
lyric from the Alice in Chains song
“Dirt”: “One who doesn’t care is one
who shouldn’t be, I’ve tried to hide
myself from what is wrong for me.”
Ultimate challenge
Flying disc perfect alternative to old pigskin
TODD MUNSON is a
junior broadcasting
major and a Daily
Nebraskan columnist.
Halfway through September, as
the air turns crisp and the leaves begin
to change color, I realize once again
that the University of Nebraska
Lincoln is a great place to be. Know
why? I groove on football. That’s
right, this veggie-eating fool you see
pictured above is a meat and potatoes
football fan. Strange as that sounds,
how can I not be?
Everyone in my family hails from
the frozen tundra of Wisconsin, and
they are such dyed-in-the-wool
Phpp«phpaHc that PorW
Nebraska, I had no choice; I was des
tined to be a Cornhead on Saturdays
and a Cheesehead on Sundays.
With two victories into the 1997
campaign, the Huskers have a special
season in the works. A third national
championship this decade would be a
crowning achievement for the team
and its esteemed coach, Dr. Tom
Osborne.
For those of you who are out of
the loop, this is Osborne’s 25th season
as head coach of the Huskers. To put
that in perspective, Memorial
Stadium has only been around for 75
years. If you’re reading this in Math
95C, that means Dr. Tom has coached
for one third of the stadium’s exis
tence. Truly amazing.
Unfortunately, all good things
must come to an end. And in the year
2022, Osborne might feel that it’s
time to retire and do some fishing.
Math 95C folks, that’s 50 years of
coaching. Looking into my magic 40
ounce bottle of Mickey’s Fine Malt
Liquor, I predict that, by the year
2022, football in Nebraska
UNL should be retired when Osborne
hangs up his playbook. Don’t fret,
Memorial Stadium won’t go empty. I
propose that, in the year 2022, foot
ball will be replaced by ... ULTI
MATE FRISBEE.
That’s right I said it. Call me the
Antichrist, exile me to East Campus,
but ultimate frisbee would be the per
fect replacement to football at UNL.
For those of you who have no idea
what the heck I’m talking about,
allow me to explain.
During the school year of 1967
68, a group of students at Columbia
High in Maplewood, N.J., combined
the fun throwing and catching a fly
ing disc with the challenge of more
conventional sports, such as soccer,
basketball and football. They named
this new sport ultimate, which is
played on a field measuring 120 by
40 yards, including two 25-yard end
zones - a perfect fit for Memorial
Stadium.
un tne neia, two teams ot seven
players each play this non-contact
sport with the intention of scoring
more points than the other. Games are
played with points, ranging from 13
to 19. These points are scored by
passing the disc (never running with
it) in any direction until a pass is com
pleted to a teammate in the other
team’s end zone.
Anytime a pass is intercepted,
knocked down, incomplete or thrown
out of bounds, there is an immediate3
change of possession. That means an
incomplete 50-yard pass can be
thrown 50 yards in the other direction
right away, resulting in a lot of run
ning.
The coolest part of ultimate is the
“Spirit of the Game” rule which trusts
that the players have the integrity to
make their own calls. That means no
more booing the refs - they’re nonex
istent in ultimate. In the words of the
late Howard Cosell, “Ultimate is a
refreshing reminder of what sport
was meant to be.”
Today, there are almost 10,000
registered ultimate players in the
United States playing under the offi
cial rules set by the sport’s governing
body, the Ultimate Player’s
Association. Worldwide. Ultimate is
played in more than 40 countries and
each year, and a true world champi
onship is held with each country’s
national champion represented. With
such great international appeal, it’s
no wonder that ultimate will be
a demonstration sport in
the 2004
Olympics.
On
the college level,
ultimate is fast becoming a
varsity sport. Last year
the UNL ultimate team
finished 41st out of 109
college teams. This
isn’t exactly good by
Nebraska football
standards, but J
there’s no I
doubt that
these fine
student
athletes
could
rise up
to the
national
c h a m p i
onship level
simply by
having the
support of
76,000 ulti
mate fans
every
Saturday.
So, the next
time you feel
inclined to go down
to the what’s left of the
greenspace and toss the o
pigskin around, take a Frisbee
instead and see how great
ultimate is. That way,
25 years, you could
have a son or daughter
hop out of the scarlet and
cream VW microbus parked at mid
field, as the premier edition of the
Ultimate Huskers take the field to the
tune of “It’s time to get ill” by the
Beastie Boys. The Alan Parson’s
Project would be just a little too lame
for ultimate.
Aaron Steckelberg/DN