BARB CHURCHILL is a
graduate student in music
and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
Marriage and divorce have been
in the news recently. The American
public is united in its belief that the
only way to curb divorce is to make
marriage laws more stringent. All
the meanwhile, many of those same
Americans believe the only way
divorced Catholics can came back to
the church is through the annulment
process. Only in the United States
would people believe something so
diametrically opposed. Let’s explore
these two options, deciding for our
selves whether or not they are valid.
In Louisiana, there’s a new
option: contract marriage. Basically,
the Louisiana Legislature believes
the solution to high divorce rates is
making divorces harder to obtain.
Their reasoning is that there should
be two kinds of marriages; one for
the so-called “easy” no-fault
divorces and one that makes it diffi
cult for a couple to divorce. This sec
ond kind of marriage is a “contract
marriage,” and it really would make
it difficult for people to divorce in
r
From this day forward
Some marriages won’t work
Louisiana. The only valid reasons to
divorce with a contract marriageare
spousal abuse, adultery, abandon
ment (after one year), and a few
other egregious offenses. Even then,
under most circumstances, one
would have to have been separated
from a spouse for over 1 !4 years, and
undergo mandatory counseling in
order for the divorce to proceed.
Proponents of contract marriage say
it will curb the divorce rate, as well
as provide a “cooling off” period for
couples who need it.
This is a naive view. No one gets
married in order to divorce.
Numerous studies have shown that
100% of the couples polled on their
wedding day in various states believe
that they will never divorce. Newly
married couples are embarking on a
new life together, and are under
standably optimistic. They can’t con
ceive that someday it could be possi
ble that they may need to separate or
divorce.
“But,” you’re saying, “there still
are some outs for these people. Why
are you being so hard on them in
Louisiana for having the guts to try
something new? Isn’t having a lower
divorce rate worth it?” Well, yes, a
lower divorce rate would be worth it,
if it’s more than a cosmetic change
brought about by the mandatory 1 Vi
to two-year wait for a divorce. Also,
what about the fact that abuse or
adultery must be proven beyond a
shadow of a doubt? There will be
large increases in retainers paid to
private detectives as cuckolded
wives and husbands try to obtain
incontrovertible proof of adultery as
required under state law. (Hint: if
you need a good job, be a private
detective in Louisiana.)
In many cases, abuse is not easily
proven. Many times, an abused wife
refuses to leave her husband, out of a
mistaken belief of love, his ability to
change and a too-strong commit
ment to her marriage vows (rather
than a commitment to her personal
safety). Contract marriage could end
up being a license for continued
abuse by making it much harder for
these women to leave their abusive
husbands. It may also endanger their
safety. It has been shown that death
at the hand of an abuser is most like
ly when the victim tries to leave.
On the other hand, the Catholic
Church has made annulments easy
to obtain. Some people, like Mrs.
Joseph P. Kennedy (No.l), believe
that they are too easily obtained.
Annulment was originally meant to
be a way for divorced Catholics to
regain the sacraments of the church.
The Catholic Church has set up
guidelines, which say that under
some circumstances, there could not
be an attempt at a real, valid mar
riage. For example, if you were a
young man who was hounded into
marriage with a shotguiTafter getting
your girlfriend pregnant, no valid
marriage vows could be given. So,
under those circumstances, you
would be granted an annulment.
However, there are other cate
gories that you can fall into and still
get an annulment. If your spouse has
been treated for depression, has sex
ual problems, or was “mentally inca
pable of making a logical decision,”
you may still get an annulment,
regardless of how long the marriage
lasted or whether children were
bom. For example, Joseph P.
Kennedy recently had his first mar
riage annulled, despite the fact that
he had three children with wife No.
1, and that the marriage^had lasted
for more than 14 yeaisf Whatever , j
happened to “forbettefbffbr 5
worse?” And are his children now ;
considered bastards? Talk about
hypocrisy. > ^ .
I have sopie experience with this -
issue. My ex-husband, despite the
fact that we were married in a civil I
ceremony, asked for an annulment of
our 8-year marriage in 1996,
although we were legally divorced in
March of 1995.
This annulment process seems
silly to me, and combined with con
tract marriages it shows the unique j
dichotomy of our American exis
tence. Why can’t we agree that some
marriages just don’t work? With
contract marriages and annulments,
the pain is revisited, over and over
again. The reality is that people
change. In a free society, we cannot
dictate that people will stay together
forever. So, unfortunately, some
miarriages will fail and some hearts
will be broken. Obviously, an
attempt must be made to keep people
from divorcing over frivolous rea
sons, such as “I like my coffee black,
but she always offered me cream and
sugar.” But on the other hand, we
cannot be allowed to let Big-Brother
government step in and force people
to stay together when they are miser
able. We should stop punishing peo
ple when their marriages don’t work,
and instead commend them for the
courage to “make the best of a bad
bargain,” and move on. Anything
less would be uncivilized.
TODD MUNSON is a
junior broadcasting
major and a Daily
Nebraskan columnist.
It was a dark and partly cloudy
night. The phone rang sharply next
to my head, awaking me with a
fright. The ensuing conversation %
led to six horns of sheer torture.
My mother was coming to town
to take her “Toddy” back-to-school
shopping.
Because of her visit, I was
forced to wake up at 7 a.m. on
Labor Day to finish preparing for
her 10 a.m. arrival. Actually, the
preparations began the night before
when I kindly asked my downstairs
neighbor to keep the death metal
and the mysterious herbal odors to
a minimum while Mother was vis
iting. With that taken care of, it
was time to finish prepping my
apartment. Even though I’ve paid
the rent every month for two years,
my mom still feels the urge to
snoop about as though it were her
place. That means I have to hide
anything - and everything - that
could raise an eyebrow: unknown
credit card bills in the attic, tequila
in the toilet and all the beer to my
roommate’s side of the fridge. Poor
Aaron, I’ll sure feel sorry for him
when my mom actually checks him
into rehab.
With this finished, the final
step was bathing. After spending
more time in the shower than I did
. the entire summer, I slipped into
clothes that made me feel quite
Republican. Now, I was ready for
her and, for some strange reason, I
felt like drop-kicking a homeless
person. L
At promptly 9:45,1 greeted her
at the front door with my patented
\“Five Dollar Smile” only to trigger
her patented “Nag-o-Matic” voice.
“Oh, Toddy, I can’t believe I spent
all that money fixing your teeth for
you to not to wear your retainer.
What a waste.”
Note: Before I go on, I must tell
you that the following names have
been changed to protect the guilty.
Mall rats
Guilt, Spice Girl sales clerks offer insights
But if you use your imagination, I
think you can figure them out.
After a guilt-laden trip up O
Street, we arrived at that quintes
sential monument to consumerism,
the Gateway to Hell Shopping
Center. After finding a parking
spot in Waverly, we began the hike
back to town.
As our eyes adjusted to the
blinding light of 75 stores
crammed under one roof, we went
to Eddie Bowser to try to find
some jeans to fit my butt. Trying
on pair after pair, I was too afraid
to walk out to the sales floor to
hear Mom’s opinion. It kind of gfets
old after age 20 to hear your moth
er say to the sales clerk—Maybe
we should have him put a pair of
socks in the crotch so it looks like
he has something there.” Luckily,
the third pair was a charm, and we
escaped before my urge to join
902T0’s Steve Sander’s KEG house
and purchase a sport-utility vehicle
took over. •
Sadly, the next stop left me
curiously waiting outside Vicky’s
Secret as Mom ventured in for
some shopping of her own. After
exchanging looks with the dozen
other guys waiting outside, I began
,to ponder a deep issue: Would
Vicky’s Secret hire a guy like me?
Then I saw it. A stgje that stuck
out like a turd ili a punchbowl. It’s
called Hot Myopics, which is a
punk-rock store right smack dab in
the middle of a mall in Lincoln.
What has this world come to? I
ventured in,Trying not to laugh at
all the angst-filled teenagers con
vincing their moms that the
Marilyn Manson look is right for
them. Before I could really look
around, a clerk with enough body
piercings to set off a metal detector
chased me out yelling, “Die
Republican scum.”
By now it was lunch time.
Nothing fuels a shopper’s stomach
like the plentiful bounty only a
food court can offer. Mmm... com
dog nuggets, monster cookies, and
an Icee to top it all off. Keeping the
Nag-o-Matic running, Ma remind
ed me that my little brother made
something like $10,000 working
this summer in the cornfields, with
which he bought his school clothes
fdr the fifth-straight year.
With the grub consumption out
of the way, it was off to finish the
shopping day. At the Chuckle, the
sales folk covered us like E. coli on
a Hudson hamburger. Once I found
a pair of shorts, the Spice Girl
helping me offered a plethora of
accessories. Luckily I grossed her
out by saying, “Look, I’ll be honest
with you, I’ll be lucky if I even
wear underwear with these shorts,
let alone a belt.” Quick tip: If
you’re a smart ass, salespeople will
run away.,- far away.
The last stop was Gadfools,
where the salesdude kept
calling me “bro ” When I
made the score of a life
time by finding
Hawaiian shirts on the
closeout rack for
$9.99,1 was
saddened by
mainstream
America’s lack of
style. My sad
ness turned f 6
laughter When
my 46-year-old
mother said,
“Toddles, over
here they
have a
nice
when you go back to class?”
Thankfully, after I convinced the
salesdude that we were of no rela
tion, the mall was closing.
Before going home, Mom
stopped at Super Slaver to buy her
greedy son some groceries. As I
strolled through the aisles of bulk
.... i. _ r t i i . »•
liiciiiiaiiuidc, i nau iwu icanz.a
tions: Someday I hope to
be able to afford
boxed cereal,
and shop
ping at the
mall is
only
mildly
painfiil -
if you
consul
er slamming your testicles in a
drawer to be mild. -
N
—