Brent
Pope
Pop quiz, hot shot
Seasoned college veteran offers examination on post-secondary survival skills
Attention, incoming freshmen!
So you want to be a student of higher
education. Well that’s great; but
here’s a warning from someone who’s
been there, done that and fell on his
face more than several dozen times:
There’s a lot of embarrassment just
waiting to greet you if you don’t have
some inside help.
Lucky for you, I’m a nice guy and
I’ll be glad to help you out. I’m pre
pared to make you ready for the col
lege experience in 5 minutes or less.
That way you won’t have any unnec
essary face-reddening experiences
like the ones I had. (Those things in
the urinals might look like cakes and
smell like cakes, but brother, they
ain’t cakes!)
So here’s the deal: I’ll jot down
some things that happen on campus
every day and the some of the proper
ways to respond to those happenings.
In short, the following words should
help you from being caught off
guard. With all that said, EN
GARDE!
You get up late for your 7:30 AM
class, so you quickly get dressed and
sprint to class. When you’re halfway
there, you realize you forgot to put on
pants. You should:
A. Grab a Daily Nebraskan and
give it a real use; covering up your
naughty parts.
B. Shout out confidently “I guess
no one else read the paper yesterday.
It’s No Pants Day!”
C. Announce that “The dorm dry
ers are broke, and dammit, I’m not
going to class with wet pants!”
While pondering your future at
UNL, you see a man outside of the
Union holding out a large plastic
glass full of change. That man is
either
A. Collecting money for some
charity organization.
B. Drinking a Coin Slurpee, a
popular drink among college stu
dents.
C. Athletic Director Bill Byrne,
trying to raise enough funds to finally
move the student football seats com
pletely out of Memorial Stadium.
You’re walking across one of the
pedestrian crosswalks, where vehi
cles should stop for you, but a car flies
right by and almost hits you. Your
next course of action should be:
A. Write down the license plate
number and report it to the campus
police.
B. Stay in the middle of the cross
walk and wait for the driver to realize
his or her mistake, turn around and
apologize. (But I think that really only
happens in Mayberry.)
C. Get used to it baby, because on
this campus, cars don’t even stop for a
baby on crutches.
You’re spacing off in class, think
ing about sunny beaches, a full body
massage, or the price of Algerian
beets. Suddenly the professor looks
at you and says “What do you think
about that?” The proper way to
respond is:
A. “Huh?”
B. Point behind the professor and
say “Is that John Tesh?” When he or
she turns around, make a break for
the door.
C. Fake stomach pains, double
over and run out of the classroom
screaming “Fiddler crabs! Live fid
dler crabs in my intestines!”
Someone behind you calls out
your name when you’re walking back
to the dorms after class. When you
turn around, you run into something.
You turn your head back around and
see that you’ve ran into something
big, tall and scary looking. This
object must either be:
A. A building.
B. Danny Nee’s newest basketball
center recruit.
C. The latest multi-million dollar
UNL sculpture. (WARNING: 23 stu
dents either went blind or insane try
ing to read the words on the Torn
Notebook sculpture. Just don’t do it!)
A shovel hits you on the head on
your way to Love Library. When you
regain consciousness, you are on the
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