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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 24, 1997)
Potential pill leaves room for many ‘oohs’and'’aahs’
Hold on to your britches! Just
when you think science has reached
its limit, the metaphorical scientist
bullfighters wave another metaphori
cal red flag in front of our eyes and
It happened when a rumor
surfaced recently that researchers at
Rutgers University thought a female
orgasm pill would be possible in the
next 10 years. And even though the
scientists later denied those rumors,
you can bet that quite a few people
have interesting things to say about
the rumors becoming reality.
But don’t take my word for it.
Here’s some of the recent answering
machine messages in the so called
ANSWERING MACHINE: We
are out of the lab right now. If you
are calling about the female orgasm
pill, there isn’t one, it doesn’t exist.
Please leave a message. (Beep!)
MESSAGE No. 1: Hi, this is
Heidi and I heard about your new
orgasm pill. Not that I’m interested,
but when you need a test group,
PLEASE give me a call. Not that my
man Clarence doesn’t get me excited,
but (yawn) we’re having sex right
now, and I could really use one of
MESSAGE No. 2: You don’t
know me, but my code name is
Gonad and I represent GOOP, Guys
Opposed to Orgasm Pills. Stop
working on that pill at once or the
bloodshed will be great. Gonad has
MESSAGE No. 3:1 was just
wondering... as a man, what would
happen if I took the female orgasm
pill? Would I have a female experi
ence, or would I just turn into a
woman? Or would I turn into some
sort of horrible sasquatch or giant
squid? Either way, I think it’s pretty
cool. I’m not a psycho. Please return
We’ll get back to the answering
machine messages later, but first let’s
talk about another aspect of the
“pleasure drug” that needs to be
discussed: If this pill becomes a
reality, what do you call it? In a
recent “name that drug” contest, the
names “Julius Pleaser,” “Orgazmo”
and “Moany, Moany” were popular,
but here’s my personal favorite:
“Love Snack.” This could be the
slogan: (My apologies to the B-52s)
“If you’re homy all the time, and
you’re out on the road, it’s just 15
bucks for some Loooooooove
Snacks! Love Snacks, yeah yeah!”
(BEEP!) You know what that
means. It’s time for more answering
MESSAGE No. 4: What are you
trying to do with this new drug, ruin
my marriage? My wife heard about
your new sex pills, and she already
said she’s going to use it as soon as it
hits the stores. What the hell am I
supposed to do with those extra four
minutes every day? Watch more
football? Heeeeeey, that’s not a bad
idea! Never mind about what I was
saying earlier. Go sex pills!
MESSAGE No. 5: You say there’s
no orgasm pill, but I know better! I
know you’re a bunch of dirty lying
scientists! What are you doing, just
keeping them all for yourselves? I
see you people leave the lab every
day, smoking your cigarettes like you
were just doing the dirty deed!
Release the sex drug or face the
consequences! Have a nice day.
On a darker note, the onset of a
female orgasm pill would write an
obituary for the phenomenon known
as “faking it.” With this new technol
ogy, there’s no need for it. If you
ladies are being intimate with
someone and you’re not having any
fun, you don’t have to pretend
anymore. Just kick that sorry guy’s
(or girl’s) ass out of there and take a
pill. Sure, it’s sad to see an ancient
art form go by the wayside, but
sometimes you just have to let old
ways go for the better of the world.
With any new type of innovation,
there are always the naysayers who
oppose any type of progress. And if
you are one of those people, that’s
fine, but remember this: For many
people around the world, this miracle
drug can’t come soon enough. (And
that’s a problem we’ve all had
Pope is a senior broadcasting
major and a Daily Nebraskan
In a recent ‘name that drug’ contest, the names ‘Julius Pleaser,’
‘Orgazmo’ and ‘Moany, Moany’were popular, hut here’s my
personal favorite: ‘Love Snack. ’”
Gradgitating senior waxes philosophical
The ‘real world’ is a scary place, I have decided. I wanna stay
here, where I never have to face reality — where my life is
mapped out for me, syllabus by syllabus. ”
It’s the end of the world as I know
it, and I feel numb.
Graduation is quickly encroaching
—threatening my existence as
“student,” the only identity I have
known all my cognizant life.
This is no comforting prospect.
I’m not ready. I don’t know
The sophomore me was smarter
than the she who is me as we speak.
Maybe that’s what college is for.
It teaches you that you are not as
smart as you think.
^ I’m convinced.
* Now I wanna go home—or take
lip permanent residence in Avery
Hall. I don’t care, as long as I don’t
have to go out there—and you
know where I am talking about.
The “real world” is a scary place,
I have decided. I wanna stay here,
where I never have to face reality—
where my life is mapped out for me,
syllabus by syllabus.
Don’t say it. I know what you are
thinking: What is she sniveling
about? She has reached the summit.
She should be on top of the world.
I agree. I have always hated senior
But I’ve put in my time. I’ve paid
my dues. I’m entitled to a little self
sorrow, I think.
TJhe thing is, I was really starting
to dig this college thing. I have
mastered the all-nighter. I have
learned to go days without showering
—and get away with it. I have
discovered that you can eat Ramen
noodles for every meal of the day.
But I guess it’s best to bail out
while the going is good. Now, at
least, I can join the ranks of those
who pine for their “crazy college
Change is good.
I have to keep reminding myself
Change is good.
I think Til adopt that as my
mantra to get me through the next
few months. TTiat’s the only way I
can accept the fact that, come May
10,1 must pack up all my belongings
and abandon the academic safe
haven I have called home for so
It’s not that I don’t have a lot to
look forward to. I’m expecting my
career to really take off — once I
find that first job, that is.
It’s just that... well... this is all so
Now that I know how things work
— the ins and outs of college—I’d
like another shot, thank you very •
I blew it as a freshman. I was
boring. Studied nonstop. Knew no
As a sophomore, I had a year of
experience under my belt and a class
of underlings to tauflt with my minor
seniority. I knew it all.
When I reached my junior year, I
started to realize there is life outside
the classroom. I became somewhat of
a social scholar, but I was still a nerd.
Now that 1 am a senior, I’ve got
the good times going on—and the
GPA to prove it. Somewhere along
the line, I lost sight of the educa
tional aspects of attending this
institution and started focusing on the
craziness in the final daze of my
OK, that’s a lie.
I just couldn’t stand the idea of
people knowing that after four years,
I still can’t drink four beers without
breaking a sweat—and an append
age or two.
And they think I’m ready for my
Hjersman is a senior news
editorial and English major and
the night editor and a columnist
for the Daily Nebraskan.
Aaron Stroke lberoDN
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