Anne
HJERSMAN
Wonder ‘Ruiz’ and Underoos
__ ■ i j .
The how-to on how-to not capture the heart of Mr. Right
Don’t hate me because I’m
irresistible.
My poise, my charm, my beauty,
my intelligence, my men — you
could have them all, too.
What’s my secret, you ask?
I’m a by-the-book kind of girl. I
follow the rules.
Not just any rules, mind you, but
“The Rules,” those “lime-tested
Secrets fra Capturing the Heart of
Mr. Right,” which have swept the
dating world and saved women from
their sorry selves since Ellen Fein
and Sherrie Schneider first pub
lished their bode in 1995.
But don’t go rushing out and
wasting your $5.99 on the paperback
edition just yet. There’s no need for
you to trudge through all 175 pages.
I can give you the lowdown fra free
(in my own abridged and annotated
form, of course), and you too can
have that healthy glow that cranes
only from manipulating the hell out
of die opposite sex:
Role No. 1: “Be a ‘Creature
Unlike Any Other.*”
This rule is at the heart of your
success, so don’t take it lightly.
In fact, it might be best if you take
it all the way and tell the object of
your desire that you are an alien.
Everyone knows they are great in bed.
But you have to be convincing.
Be sure to sprinkle your conversa
tion with shrill cries and excuse
yourself from the table several times
throughout the evening to “phone
home.”
Rule No. 3: “Don’t Stare at
Men or Talk Too Much.”
Don’t let this rule confuse you.
It’s neither the staring nor the
talking that is the problem. It’s the
combination of the two.
If you silently stare at a man with
unbroken intensity, he’ll think,
“Either she really likes me, or she’s
a homicidal maniac.” That’s good.
Always keep him guessing.
Or, you could do what I do.
In any social setting, I have found
that sitting in the comer, staring
blankly at the wall and refusing to
talk to anyone just draws them like
flies. Of course, most of them rock
back and forth in the fetal position,
drool and recite nursery rhymes.
But, hey, lode on the bright side,
that takes all the pressure off of you
to make small-talk.
Rule No. S: “Don’t CaU Him
and Rarely Return His CaUs.”
This rule is critical. You want
him to think you have a life.
(NOTE: This means never admitting
to him that you spent last weekend
at home alphabetizing your under
wear drawer — again.)
If you can’t promise yourself that
you won’t pounce (Hi the phone as
soon as it rings, it might be best if
you just take it off the hook.
Sure, he’ll never get ahold of you,
but, boy, will he think you are
popular! |s
Rule No. 6: “Don’t Accept a
Saturday Night Date after
Wednesday.”
This rule is an amendment to No. 5.
If he does somehow manage to
contact you (by phone, via carrier
pigeon, or whatever), you can only
say yes if he calls before Thursday.
This means if you meet the man
of your dreams on a Friday night,
and he wants to whisk you away to
Paris the next day, tell him you’d
love to, but he should have met you
Wednesday because you already
have plans to clean your andirons on
Saturday. It will really get him hot.
Men love it when women are
irrational and unyielding, and they
hate change. So it might be best to
remove spontaneity from your life
altogether.
£ fact, you should probably start
planning your wedding and discuss
ing children’s names on the first date,
so there are no surprises later on.
Rule No. 8: “Fill Up Your Time
before tbe Date.”
This rule was a real revelation to
me. I always thought that, out of
respect for my date, I should spend
the day in a vegetative state focusing
on nothing but him.
That way, by the time he arrives,
I have plenty to say about “Us” and
how important I think it is that we
get a joint checking account imme
diately.
Rule No. II: “Always End die
Date First”
This one I still haven’t figured
out. If you end it first, what do you
w Mm Wfm: i HMIr I VfflllH
do last? And does that mean when
he drops you off he should give you
a long kiss hello?
Rule No. 13: “Don't See Him
More than Once or Twice a
Week.”
This can get complicated if you
have a Monday-Wednesday-Friday
class with him. You will either have
to skip the class once a week or go
blindfolded. It’s your call.
Rule No. 18: “Don't Expect a
Man to Change or Try to Change
Him.”
If you don’t like what he is
wearing, either grin and bear it or
refuse to go out with him. If you
demand that he go home and
change, he will probably come back
in something worse. Let’s face it.
Men have no fashion sense.
M«t Haney/DN
Rule No. 20: “Be Honest but
Mysterious.**
This one’s the kicker.
To get in the spirit of things, you
could dig out those old Wonder
Woman Underoos and wear them
under your clothes (a* outside of
them, I don’t care, whatever turns
you on...).
The point is, it will be your little
secret (unless he catches you tugging
at those Wonder Woman wedgies
one too many times, of course).
Even if he does find out, ijo
problem. Everyone likes a super
heroine.
Why do you think I’m so popular?
Hjersman is a senior news
editorial and English major and
the night editor and a columnist
for the Daily Nebraskan.
*> #■ ' Joshua .
GILLIN
Hey, mon!
Jamaican slang confusing to American ears
MONTEGO BAY, Jamaica—I’m
an English major.
And a news-ed major.
I’m a journalist; I make my living
with words. Comprehending and
interpreting what people say is my
livelihood. If I don’t understand what
someone says, I have to ensure they
repeat it or reword it until I do
understand it.
And let me tell you, I've just
come from a place where I asked
people to repeat things a lot.
Welcome to Jamaica, West Indies,
home of a style of street language
commonly known as patois (PA
twah, which is a generic term fix
street slang). Every one of the 2.5
million people on this island at least
understand patois, if not speak it
every waking hour of their existence.
But patois is not a foreign language:
English k the official language nf
Jamaica, and everyone understands it
even if they don’t use it
Patois is English, but not like
I’ve ever heard it before. And for am
American, following a conversation
spoken in patois is a definite exercise
in patience.
Let me give you a couple of
examples:
1. An American walks into a bar
in Montego Bay. Like most days in
Jamaica, it’s hot and humid, with just
the right touch of marijuana smoke in
the air (even though ganja is, believe
it or not, illegal). All the American
wants is a beer. A good beer. In
Jamaican terms, that means a Red '
Stripe.
Does the American say, “Yessir,
Mr. Bartender, please give me one of
those delicious bottles of ice cold >
Red Stripe.”?
No, mon. He says, “Hey, Massah
Bar, gi’ mi a police mon.”
You see, the police in Jamaica
wear blue uniforms with red stripes
down the pantlegs. Thus, when a
person asks for a Red Stripe, he or
she will ask for a “police mon.” If
you want a cop, ask for a cop.
“Massah” is patois fbr mister;
presumably derived from the old slave
days when all kinds of people were
either shipped to Jamaica or inden
tured to work on cotton and sugar
cane plantations. This is the truth; I
was called “Massah” at least twice.
There are no gender specifics in
patois, although it’s loaded with
possessives. Everything is either
“mi,” “wi,” “him” or “she”
2. The American leaves the bar
and walks down Gloucester Avenue
to The Pork Pit, a fast-food version
of traditional Jamaican food. There
he sees another man ravenously
consuming a basket of jerk pork, a
spicy slab of pork mixed with rice
and beans.
Realizing he is hungry, the man
asks for a share of the jerk pork. The
Jamaican refuses. Does he say, “No
way; this food is mine.”?
No, he says, “No, mon, dis pork
beafimi.”
“A fi mi” is mine. “A fi wi” is
ours. It’s easy to see the “all for me/ ,
we” concept, but when it’s spoken as
quickly as the Jamaicans do, it
sounds like Swahili.
Jamaicans are much more open
about their sexuality than Americans
are. As tourists walk down the street,
any females wearing anything less
than full body armor are subject to
all kinds of comments from higglers,
vagrants and “good-time guys”
hanging out on the street, and even
then females should watch what
streets they go down.
3. Decipher the following
conversation if you can:
A woman walks down the street in
Montego Bay. A man calls out to her,
“Hey, ‘ooman, mi wan’ to et yu
batty.”
The woman keeps walking.
“Hey^Miss Worl’, mi say yu
betta’n rass to lode at.”
She tells the man to mind his own
business.
“Hey, kiss mi rass, blood clot!”
Got it figured out?
Well, first the man, in a rather
vulgar way, said he admired the
woman’s, ura, rump. “Batty” is a
slang tarn for that part of the body.
Heard in the realization that long
vowel sounds aren’t really the norm,
“et” becomes “eat” W-sounds aren’t
used often either,ao “woman”
becomes‘“ooman.”
“Miss Worl’ (world)” is a term for
people who think they ’re better than
everyone else. “Rass” is an even
more vulgar way of saying “butt,” or
is used to denote a donkey or
jackass. He is saying he thinks she’s
better-looking than a jackass. What a
romantic.
Finally, “blood clot”is (me of the
most vulgar terms in patois, referring
to a... menstrual pad. Most Ameri
cans hear themselves called feat at
least three times a day when they turn
down street vendors.
Not all patois is vulgar or insensi
tive, though. It’s atrulylovely
language to hear, complete wife its
own musical cadence and rhythm.
Best of all, most Jamaicans really do
say, “Yeah, mon” all the time. “No
problem” is a popular phrase as well.
Patois’s everyday use is most
interesting in fee everyday sayings
and cliches Jamaicans use. Proverbs
are a part of each conversation and
allow real insight into how the
language works and what the people
think.
“Man no dead, no call im duppy”
is a favorite of mine; “If fee man isn'
dead, don’t calMiim a ghost,” it
MxitHaney/DN
means, implying one shouldn’t jump
to conclusions.
Another good one is “Cockroach
hav no bidness a fowl dance.” Put
simply, a cockroach has nothing to
do with chickens, or people should
mind their own business.
Things like that are spewed out
relentlessly alongthe streets of
Jamaica. Most of the time even the
insults are good-natured, and people
don’t mean any harm.
Still, hying to keep up with a
conversation is a little like chasing a
Mack truck on a bicycle. But as a
tourist, you have no other choice but
to start peddling.
But as the Jamaicans say,’Time
neva too long fi bannabis grow beans,”
or “Slow and steady wins the race.”
Gillin is a junior news-editorial
t and English major and a Daily
Nebraskan associate news editor.