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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1997)
Crew team sinks in Uranus From Stuff that we made up In a tragic development the Ne braska women’s crew team sunk its women’s-8 boat in Uranus. The group of eight was rowing up Uranus when all of a sudden the lights went out and their boat struck a rock. Their boat proceeded to sink in Uranus, and the crew had to save themselves by grabbing on to nearby logs. Then a swift current came up and pushed everyone out of Ura nus to freedom. “I felt death was imminent,” an unidentified crew member said. “Things got dark and we heard an immense flushing sound. Luckily we escaped before getting sucked into the dirty blue water.” Bowler keeps on strikin’ From Stuff that we made up And you thought NU bowler’s Jeremy Strikefeld’s 900 series with three straight 300 games was big. Well listen to this. Strikefeld, who after complet ing his historic 900 series bowled 72 consecutive gutter balls because of the pressure, has bowled 40 straight 300 games. “I’m in a zone,” said Strikefeld, who recently appeared on a Japa nese television show. “Nothing can stop me now. I am just taking it one roll at a time. You’re only as good as your last throw. I’m not really that good.” Injuries linked to Uranus A Stupid Little Story A special panel of doctors has discovered the cause of the myste rious groin injuries plaguing the Comhumper football team for the last several months. The problem revolves wound underwear imported from the depths of Uranus, explained Dr. Russell Sphincter. Humpers Mike Full Man and Dee Angelo were among the latest victims of the epi demic, which is nearly untreatable without the help of Sphincter’s re vealing new treatment program. MI’m extremely pleased that Sphincter has located the cause of this problem,” Humper Coach Ibm Ozbume said. “But I’ve told the players for years not to touch any thing taken out of Uranus.” Golf cart accident puts Pethers in chair By Fupin’ Middlefinger Staff Blonde After sustaining a knee injury Monday morning, Nebraska Volley ball Coach Terry Pethers shocked the Athletic Department today when he demanded a mass firing of his entire support staff. Pethers, who claims members of the staff were behind the violent inci dent, made the demand to NUL Ath letic director Billy “Gave-myself-a bonus” Bums while receiving therapy from Lickin General Hospital’s knee blowers. “Here I sit in this god damn hos pital,” Pethers said, “receiving blowhard treatments from three nurses when I could be working with my Comhumperg on their ball-handling technique. Somebody has to pay.” Pethers was referring to a bizarre accident that took place at Touch Ura nus Country Qub Monday morning in which he was run over by a golf cart while crawling on his stomach through the rough on the sixth hole. The impact of the cart left him with a shattered kneecap and two tom liga ments. Pethers, who coached the Cornhumpers to a national title two seasons ago, claimed a season-long conspiracy between Nebraska volley ball video assistant Todd Wetmyshorts and assistant coach Dikki Licker was behind the incident. Wetmyshorts was reportedly driv ing the cart while Licker was in charge of navigating Uranus. Dr. Iona Prosthetic said Coach Pethers will be restricted to coaching from a wheelchair for two months. The constant sitting will be good to rest his brain, she said, but may be uncomfortable because of a nasty case of hemorrhoids. Licker could not be reached Mon day, but Wetmyshorts confirmed Pethers version of the incident after authorities locked him in a 4-by-6 cell and forced him to listen continuously to a tape of his Monday Night Sports Madness radio show. “I admit it, Wetmyshorts broke down and said. ‘It was my idea to run over the jerk, but I was hoping to hit his head, not his knee. “I just feel that a guy who is as good looking and as talented of a BSer as I am deserves to be in front of the cam eras and the crowds. Instead, I watch videotape of fraudulent teams like Missouri — which hasn't won a match during my seven-year college career — and I never get any respect or thanks from Pethers.” Additionally, Wetmyshorts ex pressed concern over the Comhumpers future showdowns with the Upper Idaho Institute of Potato Peelers and the Southwest Florida College of Flower Planting. Accord ing to Wetmyshorts, Pethers had been lax in preparing his team for the two powerhouses, focusing too much on his ball-handling technique drills. Pethers shrugged when he heard of Wetmyshorts’ comments. “Golf carts and volleyballs may break my bones by a BSer’s words will never hurt me,” Pethers said. ■ 1-"-*---.7' .*• ■ " —'•'•7 - ■ r- • :>• ■ ■ '. rr Butt Fillek T£RRy PETHERS relaxes li kb wkaalckalr after HstaM* a low* tafrry. Smith’s split nothing new for Humpers By Chicken Schmuck Senior Liar Hie injuries continue to mount for the NUL softball team as catcher Jenny Fifth was split in half over the weekend on a fast ball thrown by teammate Penny Hoss. Fifth did not know about the injury until she attempted to throw a Texass runner out at second when her legs went forward while her torso stayed put — suspended in air. “I never even felt it,” Fifth said. “All of the sudden I looked down and there was nothing there. I mean nothing at all. Then I looked forward and there were my legs.” Hoss seemed a little less moved by the injury. “Damn, I’m just a freshman and she's a junior,” said Hoss, a pitcher for the Humpers. “They better get some body bade there who can handle my stuff. I didn’t take all that money and that free car to come here and throw soft” On Monday, trainers were debating on whether all the King’s horses and all the King’s men could put Fifth back together again. I— .. .. i 1 mi i im ■■■ ..— mm mm ^ ButtFillbk MIL CATCHER Jenny FifHi retans te practice teday, altbcesb she win play the rast ef the seasee split li tare. But Fifth was taking a positive approach to her splitting situation. “Sure there may be some draw backs,” Fifth said. “But hey can you imagine some of the snowboarding, roller skating and mountain biking maneuvers I can do.” Humpers Coach Honda Revelry said she had never seen an injury as dramatic as Fifth’s. But with the way this season has gone so far, nothing surprises Revelry. Last week, the Humpers lost All Arabian shortstop All Violets to a knee injury. Because of the injury the trainers wanted to shoot Violets to put her out of her misery, but Rev elry prevailed and the shortstop’s knee ligament will be stapled back together. On the same play Violets injured her knee, second baseman Petmifer Lizard suffered a concussion when she collided with the catcher’s air borne shin guard. “We’ve had teams throw every thing including the kitchen sink at us,” Revelry said. “In our situation were down to where the kitchen sink had better be a pretty good hitter."