Juke Mows Boutfcft advice
Free Shoes football
coach is the mind
behind the murders.
By Gay Master
Staff Whipping Boy
Free Shoes University Football
Coach Booby Boutin has been revealed
as the mastermind behind the murders
of Nicholai Browne-Simpson and Bob
Golddigger.
Sources close to the Daily Harass
ment have stolen taped conversations
between Boutin and The Juice. The
Juice, a former football star, pathetic
actor and sideline penitentiary reporter,
was found liable for the murders in civil
court and forced to pay $568 billion in
damages and serve 7,120 hours of com
munity service at Touch Uranus Coun
try Club.
The tapes, filmed on beta by The
Juice’s longtime friend, Kit Kat Katy
did, clearly show a distraught Boutin
promising The Juice that he would
“do” his wife and her friend if The
Juice would agree to marry actress
Gracey Jones and send their “football
playin’ children” to FSU.
In an official statement issued by
Free Shoes University, the coach said
he simply wanted to be assured of beat
ing his in-state rivals, the Miami Fel
ons and Honda Haters.; -;i — .
The Juice’s attorney, Jolly Cock
Courtesy of Free Shoes University
THE JUICE (left) and Booby Boutin discuss plans to eliminate Nlcholai Browne-Simpson and Bob Golddigger.
roach, said he suspected such a plot
all along. “I knew The Juice was in
nocent the whole time,” Cockroach
told the Harassment. “But I do think
the Jones deal was a good idea. In
fact, I wouldn’t mind shacking up
with her myself.”
The Juice, from his cellular phone
at the Mighty Little Chief Putt-Putt
Golf Course, said he agreed to the se
cret deal with Boutin because of the
fringe benefits, which included
monogrammed golf balls, cherry
slushies and free Bruno Mali shoes.
“Free Shoes University is just way
too good to be true,” The Juice said.
“Sure, I had to pay $568 billion, but
hey, free shoes.”
Further investigation has shown that
the stocking cap and gloves found at the
murder scene were the property of Free
Shoes University and worn by Boutin.
“I told y’all it didn’t fit,” Cockroach
said. “Now you know why.”
Nearley likes cold drafts, NFL status
By Itchy Moron
Sehor Loser
Posing as a voluptuous blonde,
former Nebraska football star Terry
Nearley has violated a court-ordered
abstinence from alcohol and penetrated
Lickin’s bar scene.
Authorities spotted Nearley, a po
tential high pick in the upcoming NFL
draft, at several drinking establish
ments in the last month. The line
backer, who missed several games a
year ago and is solely to blame for both
of the Comhumpers’ losses, was ar
rested twice in the fall for driving with
his head up his ass.
When contacted at his home by the
Daily Harrassment, a drunken Nearley
seemed appalled with reports that his
recent bouts with alcohol may affect
his draft status.
“Ninety-nine cent drafts,” he
belched. “Where?”
The past year has suddenly turned
tragic for Nearley, touted as a
Butkiss Award favorite last August.
He starred in Nebraska’s season
opening win, but soon thereafter
drove his automobile through the
front door of Memorial Stadium,
mistaking it for his garage.
“It’s a mistake that we’ve all made,”
Football Coach Tom Ozbume said.
‘Terry obviously has had a few judg
ment problems in the last few months.
But I don’t feel that dressing up as a
woman is one of those problems. In
fact, I’m pleased that he is getting in
touch with his feminine side.”
A popular Lickin’ watering hole,
Lizards, recently sponsored a promo
tion in which it offered 43-cent drafts
each time Nearley appeared on televi
sion because of his legal problems. The
event grew out of control when Nearley
showed up at the bar wearing a dress,
a blond wig, blue fingernail polish and
a necklace, all the while chanting “This
Bud’s for you!”
Respected draft analyst Mel Sniper
Jr. said Nearley’s alcohol problems will
do little to repel NFL teams. A few
months on probation may even make
him more appealing to the professional
clubs, Sniper said.
‘Take a look around the league,”
Sniper said. “They’ve got thugs every
where. The Dallas Cowgirls make
Terty look like a choir boy. If one of
the Cowgirls received a ticket for driv
ing with his head up his ass, the NFL
wouldn’t bat an eye.”
66
In fact, I’m
pleased that he is
getting in touch
with his feminine
side.”
Tom Ozburne
Football Coach
—
i ' ••
t :
Sniper noted that the Blue Bay
Packers, led by drunken signal-caller
Bret Farfromnormal, seem attracted to
“legally challenged” football players.
Reached at his home on Uranus,
Farfromnormal said he hoped his club
drafts Nearley.
“We could go out for a few brews,”
Farfromnormal said. “But Terry’s gotta
lose that wig. That’d make me look
bad.”
Comhumper Athletic Director Billy
Bums, when alerted of Nearley’s lat
est escapades, said he was not amused.
■;. *> niv mom b
Pot Brewin’
TERRY REARLEY shews off the
disguise he uses to sneak Into area
bars.
“This has gone beyond funny,” Bums
said. “When he was running from the
cops and crashing into the stadium, we
all got a big kick out of it over here.
“But for heaven’s sake, no one rep
resenting this university wears blue fin
gernail polish in public. Next time, he’d
better be decked out in red.”
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Suicide
follows no
NCAA bid
By Rovert Skrap
Snorts Boss
Awaiting an NCAA Tournament
berth that was thought to exist be
hind the arriving Hail-Bobbitt
comet, the Nebraska basketball cult
held a mass suicide in hopes of be
ing magically transported into the
elusive tourney.
However the scheme didn’t
work, and the Humpers need a new
team. Thank goodness.
Comhumper Coach Dan Knee
was found dead, along with all nine
scholarship players, and numerous
walk-on cult members who whole
heartedly believed in Knee’s pa
thetic preachings. Assistant coaches
Jim Willy and Skeeter Howard were
not present because they don’t be
lieve in Knee’s philosophies.
The Hail-BobtMtt signaled a time to
take the Humper program to the “next
level” after 34 years of playing in a tour
nament with Utile or no meaning—the
Nee Invitation Tournament
The 15 poor souls who had no di
rection in life were found at the Boob
My Fanny Sports Centre, each wear
ing size-58 shoes and tight lime-green
Speedo swimsuits that apparently cut
off the circulation to the pelvis. They
held locks of Knee’s hair and photos
of ex-Humper icons Moe Eyeba,
Hosay Ramos, Cheese Sallee, Barry
the Fort and bowling sensation Erick
Strikelane.
Very Spacey, Lickin’ district foot
ball prosecutor, found the cult mem
bers draped with an NTT banner.
“We finally got rid of Knee,”
Spacey said through tears. “It’s a
tragic loss, losing Ty Lou, but who
gives a rat’s ass about the others.”
opacey saiu eacn cuii memoer,
including a bald-headed Knee, lay
motionless surrounding the 3-point
arc, evidently looking for spiritual
help with their long balls.
Knee was at the top of the arc in
a spread-eagle formation, wearing his
putrid red blazer in an attempt to ex
press remorse for years of profanity.
Left behind was a note signed by
the entire team saying it believed in
Knee, and this was a team decision.
“We follow our coach to the
death, no matter how wrong he usu
ally is,” the note said.
Knee also left a written statement
‘To everyone who ever doubted
me: Kiss my ass,” the statement be
gan. “I took this program to a new
level and now it’s time for the ‘next
level.’ We enter a dimension un
known now in the NCAA Tourna
ment I hope the selection commit
tee is listening.”