EDITOR
Doug Kouma
OPINION
EDITOR
Anthony Nguyen
EDITORIAL
BOARD
Paula Lavigne
Joshua GiUin
Jessica Kennedy
Jeff Randall
Erin Gibson
DN Quotes
OF THE WEEK
“Today’s race wars are genocide
through neglect They are a matter of act
ing too late.”
—Ali Mazrui, director of the Institute
for Global Cultural Studies at Binghamtom
University in New York
“Have you really looked at a Joe
Camel billboard? He almost oozes test
osterone.”
— Sheriy Miller, president of the Ne
braska Parent Teacher Association
“I feel like I’m in Elvis’ secret love
den. I walked in feeling like Pricilla’s pea
cock, the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow.”
— Matt Lux, Main St. Cafe customer
“Now that I’m not coming, the bills
move a lot faster.”
—Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha, who
has stated his intention to miss Judiciary
Committee hearings for the rest of the ses
sion
“In trying to get high-level students,
we shouldn’t exclude our service to the
state of Nebraska by recruiting normal
students. Every student should have a
chance to get an education.”
—Curt Ruwe, ASUN presidential can
didate for the ADVANCE party
“Somebody is going to have to poi
son Oklahoma State’s water."
— Nebraska Coach Tim Neumann on
the OSU wrestlers as the undisputed favor
ite at the Big 12 Championship
/
“I don’t know why we have to fund
addicted gamblers any more than ad
dicted credit-card users." , -
— Sen. Jehnie Robak of Columbus on
compulsive gambling assistance programs
“If you exploded every nuclear device
on Earth at once, the force of the
asteroid’s impact would be 10 times more
intense. It would have been hellacious."
— David Watkins, UNL geology pro
fessor on finding evidence of an impact site
from an asteroid proposed to have obliter
ated dinosaurs 65 million years ago
“We feel that Missouri and Kansas
are the toughest teams to draw here (Kan
sas City). The only advantage is that the
Antlers won’t be sitting behind me call
ing me an asshole."
— Coach Danny Nee on the Huskers’
first-round match with Missouri at the Big
12 Conference basketball tournament
“Any discovery that touches upon
human creation is not simply a matter of
scientific inquiry. It is a matter of moral
ity and spirituality as well."
— President Clinton, barring federal
money from being used on human cloning
“Size matters not Judge me by my
size do you?"
—Yoda /
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Spring 1997 Daily Nebraska They do not
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Mehs ling’s
VIEW
Heather
LAMPE
Maybe she’s born with it...
Spending life looking like someone else
Hold out those hands boys and
push back those cuticles. Your day of
reckoning has finally arrived. The
cosmetics manufacturers have
developed a nail polish for men.
I haven’t actually seen the
product for myself. But according to
friends who’ve seen the ad, the
polish is available in a bounty of
manly colors — brown, green, blue.
Men will now be able to color
coordinate their nails with their
ohtfits. A little green Tor the Packers
jersey, a lovely shade of brown to
accentuate that beer-stained T-shirt.
Fabulous!
OK, welcome back to reality.
Let’s face it, no man (except
RuPaul) will ever paint his finger
nails, just like men will never apply
makeup. Gloria Steinem will
pummel me for saying this, but
when it comes to primping and
preening, men are smarter than
women.
I spend approximately an hour
every morning trying to make
myself presentable to society. My
husband spends ten minutes. In my
lifetime, I have already wasted half a
year putting on makeup and I don’t
wear that much.
Men also spend less money than
women on self-beautification. Most
men (RuPaul not included) use an
average of five cosmetic products:
soap, a comb, deodorant, cologne
and mousse (but none of them will
admit to it.)
Women, on the other hand, spend
thousands of dollars to coat their
faces: lipstick, concealer, founda
tion, power, eyeliner, lipliner, eye
shadow, mascara, blush, lotion. I’m
ashamed to admit it, but I own a
bottle of foundation that cost $30.1
know that I could feed 12 starving
orphans in Guatemala for my $30
war paint. But if you could only see
the smooth, satiny coverage I get,
you would forget little Hector and
Juanita.
If you think about it, makeup is
actually sacrilege. (Dust off my
soapbox please.) God created us, but
instead of being happy with what we
look like we smear crap on our
cheeks and noses. We attempt to go
for that natural lode, as if we were
all bom with blue eyelids and
fuchsia lips.
Men have the right idea. Let
people see you for what you are, zits,
dark eye circles, stubble and all. No
man would ever apply mascara.
Who in their right mind would take
a wand covered with black sludge
and put it one centimeter from their
eyeball?
I have spent days where I was
completely blind in one eye, because
a chunk of mascara was stuck to my
contact lens. This is not to mention
the many times I have severely
maimed myself with the eyelash
curler. If you ever see me and it
looks like I have a jawbreaker stuck
under my eyelid, do not turn my
husband in for spousal abuse.
Max Factor and his cohorts have
mined any chances of me enjoying a
day without powdering my nose. I
don’t think our culture could handle
a world in which women don’t wear
makeup. Men would be running
around, screaming in terror at the
horrific sights around them.
“She’s pale! There’s a pimple on
her nose! I can see the veins in her
eyelids!! Oh, the horror, the horror.
Let me die!”
Imagine Cindy Crawford on the
Matt Haney/DN
front of Vogue with a hair growing
out of her mole. A world without
makeup would be very disturbing for
supermodels.
I give men credit for outwitting
us without makeup. But let’s face it,
men are the reason most women
wear makeup. We don’t care if our
best girlfriends think we’re atro
cious, but if we want Mr. Right we’U
go in debt for the perfect shade of
lipstick. Sorry Gloria, but it’s true.
I don’t think I remember what I
look like without makeup. There’s a
brief period every morning and
evening when I’m au natural, but I
try to block it from my mind. My
husband doesn’t know it, but he’s
living with another woman. She has
short eyelashes, unruly eyebrows,
pale lips and white, pasty skin.
So tomorrow morning I'll cake it
on again, because I’m worth it and if
we don’t look good, you don’t look
good — and all that other crap.
Lampe is a senior news
editorial and English major and a
Daily Nebraskan colnmnist
.^ C.VT /’“ • t ebrasksin, 34 Nebraska Union, 1400 *R" St, Lincoln,
i .J. Vy rfX-Cf- to (402) 472-1761. or e-mailjglettera@unlinfo:unl:edtt;
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