EDITOR Doug Kouma OPINION EDITOR Anthony Nguyen EDITORIAL BOARD Paula Lavigne Joshua GilHn Jessica Kennedy Jeff Randall Erin Gibson DN Quotes 0FTHEWEZ5 “You can be clearheaded as Einstein when you make it, but if the next day you're crazy as a bedbug and decide to revoke it... it doesn't have to be carried out" —-Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha, who sponsored the Physician Aid-in-Dying bill, LB406 “Thou shalt not kill. To my knowl edge, God has never amended this com mandment" — Jack Kaufinann, a medical doctor from David City, opponent of LB406 v 4 . “You do the best you can. I didn't set out to be a leader. It just turned out that way." — The Rev. Don Coleman, president of the Lincoln chapter of MAD DADS “This league is known as what I call a nose-to-toes league. It’s unbutton your shirts and rip and score runs, and whoever’s left standing wins." —NU Coach John Sanders on the com petition in the Big 12 “A lot of guys growing up went with their moms (for haircuts). Now they come to barbershops... where a guy can say what he wants to say.” — Gary Haun, barber “I think if 1 was in his situation, I may not want to speak to anyone in an author ity position. There’s no reason for him to have confidence in me.” — St. Louis Rams head coach Dick Vermeil on not hearing from Lawrence Phillips “One thing that guides my life is that I celebrate Black History Month every day.” - — Keith Parker, a University of Ne braska-Lincoln sociology professor and di rector of African-American Studies “I think they’ve (ASUN members) become disembodied from the student body—like a floating head. We want to reattach the head to the body.” . — KEG presidential candidate Scott Brauer “The question of sodomy is a ques tion of sensation. The only reason people want it is because they like it.” —Norman Dority, who testified against same-sex marriage “We have to get off to a better start if we are going to win on the road.” —NU Coach Danny Nee, following the Huskers’ seventh consecutive Big 12 road loss this season “Don’t throw that ham at me!” —Lynda Doss, store clerk, attributing the statement to Paul Riddick, a Norfolk, Va., councilman who was convicted and fined for assaulting her with a one-pound ham Editorial Policy Unsigned editorials are the opinions of the Spring 1997 Daily Nebraskan. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the Univer sity of Nebraska-Lincoln, its employees, its student body or the University ofNebraska Board of Regents. A column is solely the opinion ofits author The Board of Regents serves as publisher of the Daily Nebraskan; policy is set by the Daily Nebraskan Edito rial Board. The UNL Publications Board, established by the regents, supervises die production of the paper According to policy set fay the regents, responsibility for the edi torial content of the newspaper ies solely in the hands of its student employees. Letter Policy The Daily Nebraskan welcomes brief let ters to the editor and guest columns, but does not guarantee their publication. The Daily Nebraskan retains the right to edit or reject any material submitted. Sub mitted material becomes the property of the Daily Nebraskan and cannot be re turned. Anonymous submissions will not be published. Those who submit letters must identify themselves by name, year in school, major and/or group affilia tion, if any. Submit material to: Daily Nebraskan, 34 Nebraska Union, 1400 R St jigtacoln, Neb. 68588-0448. E-mail: letters@unlinfo.unl.edu, __ Mehs ling’s VIEW He® VIE, go mu. • • • s. • \ i Heather LAMPE Demonic electronics ... on tlie eighth day, Satan created technology Despite my deepest personal convictions, I am on the verge of making a deal with the devil. I’m not asking to win the lottery and I don’t want to be young forever. Nope, Mr. Antichrist and I are currently negotiating a deal that would provide me with technical aptitude in exchange for my soul. Satan is going to teach me how to program my VCR. My turn down the road of ungodliness began last month when I purchased a “universal remote.” This handy little device intends to be the central remote for your televi sion, cable box and VCR. It is supposed to make your television viewing experience less cluttered. It also makes for fewer remotes to wrestle away from your significant other. I should have known better though. This wonderful little invention that measures 2 inches by 7 inches was accompanied by a manual that weighed 10 pounds. There are nuclear physics textbooks that are smaller than this manual. I attempted to read it, but after three or four hours, my husband discovered me in the comer of the living room. I was sitting in the fetal position, foaming at the mouth and frantically pushing the rewind button. I decided then and there that I would never change the channel again. If I turn on the TV and a 48 hour marathon of “Rhoda” is on, then that’s what I’m watching. I’m just not good with machinery. In my seventh-grade home econom ics class, I stitched the sleeve of the shirt I was wearing to the curtains I was sewing. If I go to a gas station, I can’t use a pump with too many buttons. Anything other than lifting a metal switch, and I tend to have panic attacks. I have been know to run screaming from Texaco, leaving my car behind. All of the electrical appliances in my home that have clocks flash the universal Lampe time of 12:00. My home is in a time warp. It’s a little known secret, but Satan was the one who inspired the Industrial Revolution. It all started out so innocently ... the steam engine, the cotton ginny, the automobile, the telephone. But Beelzebub knew that eventually in the future most people would break down and offer up their spiritual entities when faced with program ming the phone numbers on their speed dial. You know the AC/DC that is inscribed on electrical machinery? Well, it doesn’t mean alternate current/direct current. AC means anti-Christ. Forget Ben Franklin with his kite and .his key. It was Lucifer!!! This is bigger than the grassy knoll conspiracy. We must alert the public. Computers were also invented by the devil. They are evil, evil ma chines. I don’t care how many classes I am forced to take, I will never master them. I can point. I can click. I can save and save as. But any time I am near completion of a 20-page term paper, my work will be lost forever. There is a Bermuda triangle that resides in my hard drive. * I’d like to go back to the times ■_m._ Matt Haney/DN when humankind was still enamored with the wheel. Don’t get me wrong, I love electricity. I don’t want to have to bury my food, but the discovery of high voltage has led to inventions that I can’t master. I’m resigned to the fact that some of us are bom without a technology gene. We’re currently called dummies: Microsoft Word for Dummies, Pagemaker for Dummies. But I think with a little genetic research our plight will be recog- , nized for the medical disorder that it is. For now I’m coining it Congeni tal Microchip Retardation. But until the medical community and community at large begin to accept the existence of CMR, I will have to pawn my soul for techno logical wisdom. I guess the devil doesn’t know what he’s getting. Lampe is a senior news editorial and English major and a -Daily Nebraskan columnist. ^ C \a/r-i+s* 34 Nebraska Union, 1400 "R" St, Lincoln, ' Yy,QI6^-^^H^^g|gBS^^^felxto(402)472-176^_qr e:mail