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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 14, 1997)
Heather LAMPE Lookin’ out for No. 1 Quickest ways to get whacked on Mdentine’s Day Break out the candy hearts, boys! Crack open that champagne — that favorite holiday of love is upon us. It’s Valentine’s Day and in honor of this beloved day of love, I intend to dedicate this column to topics of love. Open the barf bags — the schmaltz is coming on. DATING (A disclaimer to my husband: Any commentary on dating is not based on any of my past dates or boyfriends. It is purely fictional and intended to help the poor schmucks who might be reading this column.) Dating is most often the begin ning of any long-lasting relation ship, and can be perfected with a few of my valuable tips. ■ First of all, I believe that women should never ask men out. Not because I am old-fashioned or conservative, but because I am cruel and enjoy seeing men squirm. ■ When dining out, choose an entree that can make the trip from your plate to your lips in a safe manner. Those ribs might look tasty, but it’s hard to be romantic when three-fourths of your face is covered with sauce and there’s a chunk of pork hanging from your nose. ■ Make every attempt to remem ber your date’s name. Laugh as you may, but it happens. “John, could you pass the salt?” “Uh, my name is Roy.” “Oh, did you think I called you John? No, I said Jaaan. It means please in ancient Persian. I bet you didn’t know I was bilingual.” MARRIAGE This area is rather new to me, but after two years I’ve learned that there are several house rules to follow to avoid any unwanted shootings or divorce papers. They are as follows: Don’t hog the remote. Don’t pee on the toilet seat. Don’t insult the Hamburger Helper. Don’t insult the Tuna Helper. And most importantly, don’t fart under the covers. ROMANCE Have you ever wondered exactly what that word really means? It can mean many things, but most often it means to court, to woo, to flatter or to make love. Most women love romance, while most men use it only to gain access to clothed parts of women’s bodies. ■ You want to keep that loving feeling? First and foremost, DO NOT GET MARRIED!! (Sorry, honey.) But when you live in such close quarters, romance loses that special feeling. “Heather, I know I didn’t get you roses, but I picked up that laundry detergent for you. It’s the liquid kind, I hope you like it. By the way, I have some socks that need to be washed.” ■ Leam to give the right gift. (This tip is for the men.) There are two things you should never give a woman you’re dating: appliances and money. Sure she might have said she loves toast, but for God’s sake and yours, don’t buy her a toaster. You know the saying, “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a diamond.” Well, “Nothing says ‘I’m a dumb ass’ like an electric griddle.” If she can fry or frappe with it, take it back. Think gem stones, think gold, think silver. Do not think can opener. The only gift with a cord that this girl will accept is a big screen TV. When I said don’t give money, this was only meant for the single people. If my husband wants to send some greenery my way — I won’t complain. Anything is better than Tide. But if you’re a single woman and your beau gives you legal tender, you need to rearrange his teeth. Gifts of money are only accept able from grandparents, parents and large corporations. Not only is money a thoughtless gift—basi cally means you forgot to buy anything — it also has other connotations. “I’ve really had fun with you this last month. You’re a great girl. Here’s a 20, sorry I didn’t wrap it.” Nothing says Heidi Fleiss like the gift of cadi. REVENGE On this day of hearts and flowers, we might not want to admit that love doesn’t always last. But let’s face it, many relationships are bound to bite the dud. You can seek therapy. You can refocus your life through writing or exercise. But nothing can purge the soul like a little revenge. ■ Want to get your ex-girlfriend for sleeping with your mailman? Cut Matt Haney/DN all the heels off her shoes and tear all the buttons off her shirts. For the finale, fill her shampoo bottle with Nair. Baldness is the best revenge. ■ Want to really piss your ex boyffiend off? A couple pounds of granulated sugar does amazing things when poured in a gas tank. And oven cleaner draws even more attention to a good paint job. Just remember, if you write “Die evil rodent” on his car with Easy-Off, don’t sign your name. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Lampe is a senior news editorial and English major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. ► j' I • Steve s / ' WILLEY ‘Taking one’ for posterity’s sake A shame ‘Nick at Nite’ was never this risque I may be revealing my stupidity once again, but I think TV has gotten a bad rap lately. Seems like everyone is shrieking about how TV is only for the mindless and how there are no family-type programs left anymore. And while I’ll admit that the days of Ward and June Cleaver are forever lost, I can’t subscribe to the concept that quality programming doesn’t exist anymore. Take for example the television show “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (A.F.H.V.), which is shown every weekday here in Lincoln. The program features home-video recordings of everyday Americans like you and me involved in various accidents and slip-ups. This show has GOT to be the most entertaining show on — since the inception of television. It’s not the spontaneity of the accidents that makes the show so appealing; rather it’s the numerous viewings of folks getting smacked in the balls by a vast array of heavy objects. I’ve seen men’s groins get attacked by golf balls, an electric race car, and, on three occasions, a golden retriever. And I don’t care how many times I see someone get hit in the crotch, I still find it amazingly funny. I’m not the only one who appreciates this. There’s a comedian going around announcing his crusade to change the show’s name from “America’s Funniest Home Videos” to “Taking It in the Balls.” Obviously, he knows good entertain ment when he sees it. The only disheartening part about the show is that the fella who gets walloped in the testicles NEVER wins the $10,000 grand prize. If anyone deserves a monetary award for humiliation, it has gotta be the guy who gets nailed in the pecker by an angry water moccasin. But there must be some kind of policy against these guys winning— a concept I wish my father would accept. To date, my pappy has sent in 395 “staged” videos, in which his balls are repeatedly pelted by objects. “Aww, what’s it matter,” he always says. “I ain’t having no more kids no how. SHOW ME THE BUNNY!” (My father never saw the movie “Jerry Maguire” and he doesn’t hear too well. He honestly thinks this is some new, hip phrase to say. I’ve seen a lot of his work and the videos are indeed hilarious, although they’ll probably never get aired because the producers will undoubt edly see that the “accidents” are fake. After all, how many times have YOU been innocently sunbathing and had a 50-pound watermelon fall on your crotch? “A.F.H.V.” isn’t the only show I’m extremely fond of — I also enjoy “Beverly Hills 90210 ” I’ll be the first to admit that the show is far-fetched — but that’s what makes it so attractive. Let’s be honest, more stuff happens to these characters in one hour than will ever happen to me in a lifetime. But what’s amazing to me is that these characters are never fazed despite the ludicrous events that unfold around them. I don’t know about you, but I think if I were on the show, I would be doing some serious evaluations about my friendships with the other characters: “You know, I’ve known these guys for years now and in that time every single one of them has battled drug addictions. Also, most have survived horrifying zeppelin accidents and it seems like every time I turn around, someone’s getting shot at. I think “90210” playtime is over for me; I don’t want any of their luck rubbing off.” I’m also fascinated about how some of the characters on the show pass themselves off as being so tough. Look at Brandon Walsh. The guy is like 4 foot 3 inches tall and weighs less than my left butt cheek, yet, on the show, he makes Clint Eastwood look like Potsy from “Happy Days.” He’s a little squirt, but he’s always the first one to stand up to the crazed gunman holding him and his friends hostage. “You better think this over, PAL!” But despite these minor flaws in the show, it still has enough “ummpf” to keep me and every other doof tuned in week after week. > The only show I really despise is “COPS.” I didn’t mind it originally on account of all the action. But lately it seems like they’re running out of stuff to film. Check out this transcript from last week’s episode: COP: (Speaking to a camerarrian who is inside the cruiser) “We’re en route now to a possible suspect whose parking meter has expired. (He flips on the siren.) You never know in these types of situations. “It’s scary, you know. Sometimes the guys are peaceful and other times they jab a corkscrew in your eye.” (The cruiser arrives at the scene and pulls up behind 37 other police vehicles. The camera reveals an obviously distraught elderly man hogtied and balancing precariously on top of a fire hydrant. The officer approaches another police officer.) “What’s the deal, Ted?” TED: (Somewhat winded) “Well, we confronted the suspect inside the pharmacy where he claimed he was — get this—buying medication. That’s when I ask him to produce some identification. Matt Haney/DN “‘Hey,’ I says. ‘Produce some identification!’ That’s when I see him make a move for something in his back pocket.” (Ted holds up what looks like a man’s leather wallet.) “We’re gonna have the boys down at the crime lab see if they can figure out what it is. In the mean time, this guy’s going to jail.” (The two men shake hands.) COP: “Good job. It’s one more guy off the street.” So the next time you have a little extra time, join me and watch some of the best shows in the history of the tube. Who knows, maybe next week we’ll get lucky and find an episode of “90210” where Brandon gets hit in the balls with a pipe wrench. WiDey is a senior news-editorial major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist k * \ l ! i
