Heather
LAM PE
When I was 15 years old, 1 took
the solemn vow of slobhood.
In high school I only cleaned my
room on threats of death from my
parents. During my first years of
college, several roommates, who
have since entered sanitariums,
endured my tirades with the dish
washer. OK, so I refused to rinse the
dishes, but what do they call it a
dishwasher for?
Now I am married, and I have
been forced to rethink my solemn
vow. I married a personality com
pletely opposite of mine. My
husband — bless his sink scouring
heart — is an anal-retentive neat
freak.
He loses his composure when
surrounded by clutter. He becomes
unglued at the sight of dusty
furniture. He also doesn’t hold my
belief that it is immoral to take the
lives of the the little fungal spores
and bacteria that live on our shower
door.
But rather than divorce him for
his unfortunate flaw, I decided to
make some modifications in my vow
Do you know what Herman
Melville, Tom Cruise, Mike Tyson
and Demi Moore have in common?
None of them graduated from
high school.
Neither did Nicolas Cage,
Quentin Thrantino, John Travolta,
Jim Carrey or Roseahne.
And lest we forget Michael J.
Fox, Joe Pesci, Celine Dion and
Billy Joel.
These and another 28 other
celebrities listed in the Sept/Oct.
issue of Spy magazine never made it
through high school.
So, chances are, some of your
favorite stars don’t have a diploma
on their wall or a cap and gown in
their attic.
What they do have, however, is
MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS!!!
I find it ironic. I’m finishing an
additional four years of schooling to
get a degree... which will getmea
better job... which will make me
more money... which will still be
thousaads upon thousands of
dollars less than the salary of an
uneducated Hollywood star.
Let's be honest: After four years
of college, Til make less in a year
of uncleanliness, and for this I was
going to need some help. So who
else could I turn to but the diva of
deodorizing, the goddess of clean
grout, the ever helpful Heloise.
For those Of you who haven’t
heard of Heloise, she is a woman
who has dedicated her life to making
America the land of tidy households.
While I was vowing to be a slob,
Heloise was changing the way we
lode at baking soda.
I recently found Heloise’s
Helpline on the Internet, but I’m
finding it difficult to follow her
strict, regimented plan.
For stale carpet smell, Heloise
recommends sprinkling the carpet
—————————aassy*-. ■ -_-mm.
with baking soda and then vacuum
ing. I did what she said, but ray
baking soda was old and chunky,
and I ended up burning out the
vacuum cleaner. I guess you’re
probably not supposed to use the
baking soda that you put in your
refrigerator. Oops!! She really needs
to specify.
Since then, I’ve developed my
own hint for stale carpet — it’s
called opening a window.
To kill the poor, innocent mildew
on my shower tiles, Heloise recom
mends wiping the tile with a three
fourths cup of bleach mixed with a
gallon of water. Again, I messed up
the directions and forgot to ventilate
the area. Because of the two or three
hours I spent scrubbing and inhal
ing, I have lost some of my short
term memory.
Uhhhh, now what was I talking
about before? Oh yes, the moldy
shower tiles. My own hint for moldy
shower tiles is to shower with your
eyes shut and not to lean against the
walls. When you have to move out,
bribe your mom to come over and
clean the shower for you. If she
refuses, you might lose $50 of your
security deposit, but at least you’ll
remember your name,
Heloise’s Helpline on the web
also includes a section an speedy
answers to the problems encountered
by unexpected guests. This is where
Heloise finally gets real.
Some of her tips include:
• Stashing anything — that
doesn’t belong in the rooms where
the guests will be — in a bedroom
closet.
• If there’s no time to vacuum or>r
dust, just dim the lights.
• If there are dishes in the sink-,
load them in a plastic dishpan and
stow it in the oven.
Those last few hints Heloise may
have stolen from the slobhood code
of conduct that was established by
me in 1989.
Heloise, my lawyers will be in
contact.
Lampe is a senior news
editorial and English major and a
Daily Nebraskan columnist
Matt Haney/DN
Kasey ^ «>i
KERBER
■MHH MB M
Fallen stars
Getting education is always worth time, effort
than an actor does for making a
yogurt commercial.
I’m not bitter though. Actually, I
think it’s a shame.
You see, there’s a word you can
use to classify stars who went to
Hollywood without a high school
diploma — determined.
But it’s not a word I*D use. I’d
use — stupid. (And no Mike Tyson,
it’s not spelled “stoopid.”)
Yet even sadder is the fact that
many of these stars have become
role models to young people.
Some critics might say you can
drop out of high school and still
become a dynamite role model.
f ’ .. , , ■ ■ •*» >. . J.II ■■■ n i , i ,, .
I’d disagree. I’d say if you
couldn’t make it past study hall and
high school English, you don’t have
enough ambition to be a role model
for plants.
Take for example Peter Jennings.
The news anchor for ABC News is
probably regarded as one of the most
knowledgeable men in America.
Yet Peter never walked the aisle,
shook his principal’s hand and had
his picture taken in a dorky black
gown and mortar cap. He was a high
school dropout.
Heck, I’m half tempted to send
Peter a letter asking what the
Pythagorean theorem is. He’d
probably crumple it up, look around
the newsroom suspiciously and
mutter: “The bastards are on to
me...”
But don’t get me wrong—there
arc stars out there capable of
becoming good role models. They’re
the ones who went back to school.
One such star is Emmitt Smith.
The running back for the Dallas
Cowboys graduated from high
school, but skipped his senior year
of college to enter the NFL draft.
Yet years later, Emmitt went back
to the University of Florida and
finished his degree. He kept a
promise he made to his mother and
a promise he had made to himself.
It’s a story today’s college
athletes should keep in mind before
skipping what little schooling they
have left.
But keeping all this in mind, you
may still be asking the question —
what does it matter?
“I’ll still be paid less than a
famous dropout will,” you might say.
Thie, destiny sometimes is not a
kind thing. But who knows? Maybe
one day you’ll hit it even bigger than
Drew Barrymore (OK, we’ll all hit it
bigger than that).
At the very least you’ll be more
educated than your average Holly
wood star.
So when midterms finally do roll
around, it doesn’t matter how badly
you’re doing.
You at least MADE it here...
< Kerber is a sophomore news
editorial major aid a Dally
Nebraska! columnist.
• '
■
uiity-men
Show no fear of
feminine side
SEATTLE, Wa. (U-WIRE)
— Though they have the
privilege of being able to pee
standing up on camping trips,
men are at a real disadvan
tage. For the most part, being
a “man” doesn’t allow a guy to
explore his feminine side. Any
deviation from being a manly
man makes people wonder on
what side a guy likes his toast
buttered.
I’m not suggesting men put
on big sister’s prom dress.
I’m talking about shedding a
few tears after seeing “Terms
of Endearment,” or cooking a
nice meal for reasons other
than to impress a girl. I'm
talking about having the balls
to push today’s narrow
masculine boundaries.
Fear of the feminine starts
out in boyhood, when girls are
gross but a scab collection is
really cool. Fathers take their
sons out to throw around the
old pigskin. When the son gets
knocked in the head with a
football traveling at close to
the speed of sound* the first
thing Pop says is—“Be a
man. Don’t cry.” -
From a young age, boys are
taught that the less feminine a
man is, the better. When has a
father been comfortable with
his son wanting to play with a
doll? And how many fathers
suggest a day of grocery
shopping as the backdrop for a
day of bonding with junior? I
doubt that “Let’s clip cou
pons!” is a phrase said by
daddies in many of America’s
homes. ' ,
: The feminine man has not
been enlaced by die media
either.
“Charlie’s Angels” por
trayed women who took cm the
traditionally male role of
private dick as strong and
sexy. But were the tables ever
turned? Did Aaron Spelling
ever create a show about a
man who’s a strong and sexy
seamstress?
uianie s /vngeis ana
“The Bionic Woman” were
two shows that inspired a lot
of young girls to empower
themselves tty incorporating a
little masculinity into their
femininity. There was a time
in the early ’80s when all 1
wanted to do was throw people
over cars and shoot guns, but
the closest I got to that was
having a lunch box showing
Wonder Woman and her 8
inches of cleavage on the side
of it.
Where were the shows that
compelled boys to express
their feelings or do anything
else considered feminine?
Women have told me on
several occasions about
boyfriends breaking down and
sobbing like babies when the
relationship ended. Tbars,
wailing, snot coming out the
nose, the works. This is proof
that most of you men aren’t
unfeeling fatheads; you have
just been suppressing your
sensitive side. I think it’s time
to let it out.
Cry when you get a paper
cut! Write poetry! Wear
women’s underwear! Just
don’t suppress yourself. Men
who accept what they feel are
smarter, deeper and much
more attractive to women. It’s
not an easy feat, but peel off
some of that macho facade
V society has forced upon you. s
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