The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, January 17, 1997, Page 5, Image 5

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Animal magnetism
Dates just really don't dig flatulence, funerals
By this I mean I am no longer
going to devote any of my time to
pursuing human females.
I haven’t decided as of yet what I
plan to date, though I have narrowed
it down to either a boa constrictor
that lives in Omaha, or perhaps,
Black Angus cattle.
Now you may be wondering why
I’m making the switch from
“Straight” to “Reptile” or, if you
consider the cattle option, “Straight”
to “Freakin’ Sick ”
The reason is that I’m simply not
good at courtin’ women. I’m terrible
at it, and it has come time for me to
accept this fact.
You see, I’ve realized that some
people, no matter how hard they try,
can’t accomplish certain goals.
For example, my father has tried
for years to master the stunt of
shooting a wiener dog out of an
exploding, portable toilet. As of 3
p jn. yesterday he has yet to be
successful, and it is my belief that he
never will. He’s simply not good at
It must run in the family because
this just-can’t-win concept is nothing
new to me either. I have failed
Chemistry 109 not once, not even
twice, but three times! I’m convinced
that no matter what I try or who I
offer back rubs to, I’ll never be able y
to obtain a grade higher than a 13 in
that class.
Now it seems as if I’ve gotten
myself into the same straits with
You should see me trying to meet
women at bars or funeral parlors. I’m
pathetic! Here’s a typical conversa
tion between myself and a potential
female friend:
STEVE: “Uh-hi... (Voice
suddenly sounding remarkably
similar to Pee-Wee Herman’s) Your
eyes are just beautiful! They look -
er- like... Uh... Lamont Sanford’s.”
WOMAN: (Pointing at my shirt)
“UM, are you aware that you have a
glass of whiskey in your shirt
(Author’s note: If any of you
know of a better way to carry
whiskey while holding a plunger in
one hand and a bottle-rocket in the
other, I’d like to hear it!)
STEVE: (Shocked that whiskey in
my shirt pocket is a BAD thing)
“OH! Uh... Sorry. Say, I’d like to
buy you a -HEY! (Looking around)
There really should be a rule book
to govern people who, like me, are
terrible at winning girls over.
Maybe, if someone had told me
that introducing a potential girlfriend
to your probation officer wasn’t a
“good move,” I might still be
straight. Maybe, just maybe, if I was
aware that blowing your nose on
your date’s blouse was improper, I
could continue to date human
But for me, I’m afraid there’s a
perpetual hiatus.
And don’t think that I haven’t
attempted every option.
I tried the 900 numbers and that
blue TV channel with nothing but
words on it — they didn’t help. Hell,
I even bought the woman’s maga
zine, Mademoiselle.
“Yeah,” I thought to myself. “I
can’t lose now. I’ve got the enemy’s
play book!”
But the only thing I learned from
Mademoiselle is that I’m not only
terrible at picking out clothes, but
I’m also apparently impotent.'
TYust me, my decision is the best
for all of us. Because if I choose the
Black Angus cattle, it’ll be the first
time in my life that I’ll get to date a
creature that weighs as much as me.
And hey, I hear snakes are great
lovers, or so my opinion editor keeps
informing me.
But wait! The women of UNL
win, too. Those who have opted to
stay home on previous weekends
because “that guy” is out there, can
now return to their respective
stomping grounds.
I assure you—you won’t be
approached by me.
Unless of course I mistake your
belt for a snake, or your platform
shoes for hoofs.
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraskan
: ' Aaron &teckelberg/DN
While contemplating a topic for
my first column of the semester, I
had a million ideas racing through
my walnut-sized brain. I wanted
something timely, but it had to be
newsworthy; something with bite, but
it had to employ the type of journal
istic ethics and integrity that my
professors have worked so hard to
Therefore, I’m going to use this
column to publicly change my .
sexual orientation!
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