EDITOR
DougKouma
OPINION
EDITOR
Anne Hjersman
EDITORIAL
BOARD
Doug Peters
Matt Waite
Paula Lavigne
Mitch Sherman
Anthony Nguyen
“1 said, ‘Bleep all these people in the
stands. Bleep the Diamond Vision screens.
Bleep the cheerleaders. Bleep everything
that you all see as distractions and go out
there and play bleeping football.”
— Colorado middle linebacker Matt
Russell, on his pre-game pep talk to the Buf
faloes
“To sack me, they’re going to have to catch
me.”
—Texas quarterback James Brown, pre
dicting a three-touchdown win over Nebraska
in the Big 12 championship game
“Athletes tend to take their identity, their
self-esteem and the way they feel about
themselves from the way they play.”
—NU Volleyball Coach Terry Pettit, on
middle blocker Stacie Maser’s attitude after
suffering a devastating knee injury
“There’s not a lot of proven stallions on
this team.”
—NU Wrestling Coach Tim Neumann,
on his uncertainty following the Mat Town
Invitational, at which the team finished fifth
“You’d think if anybody could figure it
out, it’d be us and the student union, and
we both got busted.”
— Nebraska Bookstore Manager Jim
Cornell, after police ticketed clerks at 21
stores for selling tobacco to minors
“Pull all these out — I look like a Christ
mas tree.”
— Mother Teresa, after heart surgery,
telling doctors she was ready to go back to
work
“We don’t want violence. Words are our
only weapon.”
— Students in Belgrade, Yugoslavia,
demonstrating against Serbian President
Slobodan Milosevic
“It’s going to be a hard-fought, four-quar
ter type of game. There won’t be any quit
on either side.”
— Texas Football Coach John
Mackovic, on the Big 12 championship face
off between the Longhorns and the Huskers
“It seems like people look at you differ
ently if you can try to speak their lan
guage.”
—Schuyler police officer Aaron Pierce,
on completing an intensive Spanish language
course to help him in his police work
“Everybody loves Elmo.”
—Bccki Reining, a manager at Kay-Bee
Toys, on the Christmas-shopper frenzy over
the “Tickle Me” Elmo doll
“The regents are a very interesting
bunch.”
—Student Regent Eric Marintzer, on the
NU Board of Regents
“Teaching is the same thing as comedy, but
teachers have to do six shows a day, and
don’t get paid as well.”
— Comedian Kevin Mattran, on his de
cision to give up teaching high school to go
on the road
Editorial Policy
Unsigned editorials are the opinions of die
Fall 1996Daily Nebraskan. They do not nec
essarily reflect die views of die University
of Nebraska-Lincoln, its employees, its stu
dent body or die University of Nebraska
Board of Regents. A column is soley the
opinion of its author: The Board of Regents
serves as publisher of die Daily Nebraskan;
policy is set by die Daily Nebraskan Edito
rial Board. The UNL Publications Board, es
tablished by the regents, supervises the pro
dnction of the newspaper. According to
policy set by die regents, responsibility for
the editorial content of die newspaper lies
solely in die hands of its student employees.
Letter Policy
The Daily Nebraskan welcomes brief let
ters to the editor and guest columns, but
does not guarantee their publication. The
Daily Nebraskan retains the right to edit
or reject any material submitted. Submit
ted material becomes toe property of the
Daily Nebraskan and cannot be returned.
Anonymous submissions will not be
published. Those who submit letters
must identify themselves by name, year
in school, major and/or group affilia
tion, if any. Submit material to: Daily Ne
braskan, 34 Nebraska Union, 1400 R St
Lincoln, Neb. 68588-0448. E-mail:
letters@unlinfo.unl.edu.
___' i
t
Steve
WTTTEY
Alive with Dead Week excuses
As everyone here at UNL knows,
next week is the all-important Dead
Week. Traditionally, Dead Week is a
time for students and faculty to
prepare for upcoming exams and
occasionally let off a little steam by
randomly shooting an AK-47 from
the top of Memorial Stadium.
If you use Dead Week properly,
you can dominate your tests like
never before. The only problem with
“dominating your tests like never
before” is that usually your professor
accuses you of being a “cheating
horse” during a UNL Judiciary
hearing.
But there’s a lot more to being
successful on your finals than simply
studying during Dead Week. There
are many tips students should utilize
to better prepare for upcoming
exams.
Since I have taken many finals
during my 34 years at UNL, I feel I
have an obligation to share a few tips
ihat have helped me throughout the
decades.
When I took the Chemistry 109
final my freshman, sophomore,
junior and senior years, my biggest
hurdle was overcoming the enormous
amounts of anxiety I felt before each
test. I tried everything from eating
pounds of Rogaine to dancing the
Charleston in the middle of my exam
Nbne of them worked, though
ingesting that much Rogaine did
cause me to believe I could fly by
flapping my ears really fast.
Then I hypothesized that if I went
into the chem final fully expecting to
fail miserably, I wouldn’t be so
nervous. When I take my exam this
year, I’ll let you know how it works.
Other people argue, however, that
the best way to combat stress is with
a strong sense of confidence. This
means you should NOT bring a
pillow or hangman’s noose to your
exam. Rather, you should strut (the
Vinnie Barbarino “Over-21 Walk” is
the strut of choice) into the room am
flop yourself across the desk com
pletely relaxed. (Fat Author’s note:
You may need to enlist the aid of
several hundred shots of novocaine
to create this effect.)
When the test arrives, shift matter
of-factly through the pages and let
off a confident “HMMPFF.” Then
take out your pen and, using the
answers from the person seated next
to you, confidently complete your
test.
Now that you know a couple of
stress-relievers, you need to conquer
the actual test. Obviously, if you’re
going to do well on a test, the most
important thing to do is to study.
However, studying for tests is
extremely difficult for some people
because it’s hard for them to concen
trate for more than a minute.
; Many of us, after a few millisec
onds of reviewing calculus equations,
will lose our concentration and begin
seriously thinking about licking the
. Scotch Tape dispenser on our desk.
Fortunately, if you lack concentra
tion, you have a few options. One
option would be to locate a previous
exam from your class and memorize
the questions word for word. But be
careful. Many times professors will
try to confuse you by deleting words
or rephrasing questions. For ex
ample, last year’s question that read,
“True or False, The Earth Revolves
around the Moon,” could now read,
“Revolving the True, Earth Moons
Around.” You mustn’t fall victim to
this trickery.
The only other option to avoid
l studying is to pretend you are a stalk
of celery during the exam. This ploy
seldom works, however, because,
unlike you, professors won’t believe
that you’re REALLY a stalk of
celery.
Even after following these tips,
some folks will still be unable to
produce acceptable results on a final.
For you people, 1 have devised some
plans—which I have personally
tested — designed to get you out of
taking final exams.
PLAN I. Before the final begins,
“accidentally” drop your pencil a few
feet down the aisle. As you bend
4down to retrieve it, “accidentally”
kick it a few more feet. At this point,
examine the room with an embar
rassed look on your face, and then
proceed to continue kicking your
pencil until you are outside of the
building.
If you have the type of professor
who is likely to go after you, you
may want to kick your pencil until
you arrive at a rest stop in Iowa.
When you get there, it is customary
to crouch in a bathroom stall and
wish you were someone else.
PLAN II. Halfway through the
exam, begin twitching uncontrollably
and swat randomly at the air. When
your professor arrives to comfort
you, stare through him with a blank
look and rub his face as if you were
blind. Then tell him that your
roommate insisted on eating the
stuffing INSIDE the turkey this year ?
and that you feel more like Salvador
Dali than yourself. jl
Your professor will undoubtedly
excuse you—although it wouldn’t
hurt if at some point you hit someone
with a croquet mallet and accused
them of stealing your sardines.
Remember these tips aren’t meant
to be sure-fire ways to pass an exam.
This colupin should be used solely as
a tool that, if read aloud during a
barmitzvah, could get you arrested.
Now that I think of it, getting
arrested would be another way to get
out of a final.
Damn I’m good.
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
__
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T .J. VvjriT(Br„ to (402) 4724761,ore-mail<letters@unlHrfb.unLiedu.
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