« Steve
WILLEY
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Secrets of success
How to getjobs and scare the heck out of people
Originally, I had intended this
column to be an intelligent discus
sion about moped accidents in
ancient Babylonia. However, that
was before sharp DN editors made
me aware of (me
of history’s most
overlooked facts:
ANCIENT
BABYLONIANS
DIDN’T HAVE
MOPEDS! BUT
THEY DID
HAVE PIPE
BOMBS!
HERE’S A
GRAPHIC!
As an alternate topic, they
suggested that I write about the
problems some December graduates
may have with locating a suitable
job. While I argued that this was not
nearly as pressing an issue as
Babylonian moped accidents, I
conceded that it may benefit some.
Therefore I shall bypass my
scheduled column and do my best to
offer a complete, step-by-step guide
to post-college employment.
Some students will be graduating
in a month, and before applying for
any potential employment, it is
important that the job-seekers ask
themselves a few questions first. The
most important question is, “Do I
really want to work at all? You know,
things were so nice back at Mom and
Dad’s.”
After answering this question, the
next step is locating your parents and
informing them that “baby’s coming
home!” This is not as easy as it
sounds because oftentimes your
parents have already moved far away.
Sometimes, as they did in my case,
parents will leave no traceable clues
«—
Unless you are applying at the DN,
ALWAYS wear your underwear on the
INSIDE of your slacks.”
as to their whereabouts, except
perhaps a Post-it note on the family
dog that reads, “Do not try and find
us, Bastard!”
If your parents have indeed left
the country, you must ask yourself
the question again, this time rephras
ing it so it now reads, “Do I really
want to work, or am I content living
the rest of my life under a bridge and
talking to imaginary penguins?”
Now that you realize that you
have to work, it’s time to begin the
APPLICATION PROCESS.
While you are filling out applica
tions, it is important to remember
that at no time have you placed your
hand on a Bible and sworn to be
honest. In fact, most employers
demand that you lie profusely, as it
makes their jobs more exciting.
For example, instead of listing
only restaurants as previous job
experience, tell them you have
served as Pope, as well as CEO of
Chrysler Corp., while also oversee
ing the operation of the United
Nations.
Your potential employers will
lever check these statements because
hey will be unable to locate any of
hose numbers in the phone bode
Ahothersection you should lie about
s the. “reasons for leaving” section.
NEVER tell the truth on this
section, because I have found that
employers never believe your
excuses. So instead of writing, “I was
unaware of my company’s policy on
hiding goats in my locker,” try “I was
shot in the nose while protecting my
boss from an assassination attempt.”
Employers will undoubtedly find this
type of company devotion appealing.
Once you’ve mailed your applica
tions, eventually, you’ll be called for
the INTERVIEW. When going to
your first interview, it’s crucial that
you dress appropriately. This means
no bandannas! Also, unless you are
applying at the DN, ALWAYS wear
your underwear cm the INSIDE of
your slacks.
When you first meet the inter
viewer, you should offer a firm
handshake. A good, firm handshake
is extremely important because it
conveys both confidence and
leadership to your employer. But be
sure you shake their hand and not
their ear, as this only conveys to the
world that you are an idiot.
Experts agree that steady eye
contact is likewise important during
in interview. It should be noted,
however, that there is a fine line
between “steady eye contact” and the
‘demonic stare of a psychopathic
dller.”
To avoid this wobbly ground, my
advice is to stare at die interviewer’s
forehead. Not only will this solve the
eye-contact problem, but if you don’t
get hired, at least you’ll have some
consolation in that you’ve probably
given all of the interviewers a
complex about the size of their
foreheads.
Finally, and perhaps the most
important aspect of a successful . Vr .
interview, is the questicn/answer
session. It is exTREMEly important ,
to be prepared for the questions you
may be asked. Unfortunately,
because each interview will house
different questions, you must prepare
for this part on your own.
I can, however, inform you of
some universal words, phrases and
sounds that should never be uttered
at an interview. For example, never
say the word “sausage” during an
interview, particularly when you’re
asked what you, as an employee,
could contribute to the company.
Many “sounds” also frighten
potential employers. These sounds
can range from the gurgle of a
hungry stomach to the full-fledged
imitation of a Rhesus monkey
winning the lottery. So make sure -v
you are well-fed and not a lunatic.
Now if you follow this advice
without compensation, you’ll
probably find that not only will you
never be hired, but you will become
the topic of several keynote ad
dresses for company retreats.
Not to worry. You must remember
that everyone in the world cannot be
employed by respectable companies.
After all, that’s why we have welfare
and the Daily Nebraskan. | *
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist
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