Steve
WILLEY
©riven to drink
Who savs college students have no ambition?
College students nationwide have
long been stereotyped by the older
population as being drunken animals.
Just because a few of us consume a
few too many drinks on a few too
many nights and
play “tackling
dummy” with a
few too many bar
patrons, we’re
labeled irrespon
sible and imma
ture. While I
agree with the
fact that many of
...us drink more
than we should, I can not subscribe
to the idea that college students are
drunken losers.
Many college students drink
regularly and still manage to be
productive citizens. Some of us
completely run a college newspaper.
Others oversee the daily operations
of our student government. And still
others receive straight A’s while
working full-time and putting
themselves through college. All, in
my opinion, are commendable.
But it is those students who drink
regularly and feel compelled to try
their hand at fishing in Broyhill
Fountain who receive the most
attention. They’re the ones who give
us all the bad rap.
The key to drinking as a success
ful college student is time manage
ment. For example, students should
learn to drink AFTER their 9:30 a.m.
Spanish test. Also, you must realize
that partying should be limited to
days that your next-day schedule
allows for. We MUST assume that
when we drink, we are essentially as
effective in life as a bowl of chili.
Once we realize this, we can plan
accordingly. I’ve already come to
terms with this fact. After a few
drinks, I’m the first to admit that I’m
as worthless as Confederate money.
Oh sure, I try to to accomplish
pressing issues, such as playing
Nintendo, but I only manage to get
so tangled in the joy-stick cords that
paramedics have to be called.
Wanting to justify my theory ot
worthlessness, I decided to conduct a
few experiments with other people. I
paid two of my friends to conduct
separate tests. One friend had to play
three games of bowling whHe
continuously drinking. The other was
required to study for a test in a bare
basement room containing a keg.
I asked them to record their
thoughts so I could present them—
scientifically mind you — in a
column. Here’s how the bowling
turned out. He writes:
GAME 1:1 arrived at the bowling
alley having already consumed the
better part of a six-pack. I am
bowling pretty consistently and am
on track for a fairly high score. The
waitress, who may or may not be
Bohemian, is quite attractive. Her
thighs are somewhat dimpled, but I
can live with that. GAME 1 SCORE:
186. POST GAME QUOTE: “I’m
friggin’ awesome.”
GAME 2: I’m bowling OK, but as
I consume more of my pitcher, my
balls are veering uncontrollably
towards the gutters. What’s strange is
that I’m finding this absolutely
hilarious! GAME 2 SCORE: 93. P.G.
QUOTE: “I don’t know why my
bowling is getting worser. It could be
that while I was in the bathroom,
someone doubled the number of pins
at my. lane — I count 18! The
waitress says she’s cutting me off.”
GAME 3: Un-friggin’-believable!
My first two throws ended in strikes
yet the friggin’ computer won’t give
me friggin’ credit for them! The
waitress says its ‘cause I’m bowling
on lane three and, oddly, I threw the
strikes on lanes eight and 13. Whatda
she know, anyway? Slowly, I’m
finding myself attracted to the ball
returner. GAME 3 SCORE: 7. P.G.
QUOTE: “Look at me! I’m Diana
Washington! (To waitress) Is you is,
or is you ain’t, my baby!” BEERS I
DONE DRANKED: 18.
Just as I guessed, my friend was
not nearly as productive after
drinking as he thought he would be. I
won’t get into the specifics of how
my other friend fared. Let’s just say
that I found him hours later in the
basement using his textbook to swat
at “owls” only he could see.
On his note pad I found, “Screw
this! I’m drinking!” scribbled
frantically.
There’s no doubt that drinking
irresponsibly causes problems for
students. I should know; I’ve
probably had more than most. I’ve
done jail time for many things in my
life, including having my way with a
neighbor’s mailbox at 3:41 a.m.
But I don’t know that I regret any
of those problems, as they have been
invaluable learning experiences for
me. I also have become much better
friends with certain people and it is
my belief that drinking has enhanced
some of those relationships. If that
makes me an alcoholic, then I
confess my guilt.
(EDITOR S NOTE: Steve, you
are NOT an alcoholic. You are a
drunk.)
Just remember students, it is
imperative that we’re productive if
we are to defeat this stereotype.
Students who choose to drink must
not let it bring them down. And as
long as you work hard, make the
grades and drink responsibly, who
cares if you want to pretend you’re a
crawfish and go around
pinching everyone on the nose?
I see no problems. Unless of
course your “everyone” includes
District Judges and law officers, in
which case you should pinch then
tushes.
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
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