- *. .. Mark
ALBRACHT
Ringing in the night
Halloween memories linger for years, but gremlins disappear
When I was very young, I
watched a movie on TV in which a
baby-sitter, just after putting the
children to bed, began to receive
phone calls from a stranger who had
a few baby
sitting tips for
her. Actually, it
was just one tip:
“Go check on the
kids.”
At first,
the baby-sitter
was not too
interested in the
stranger’s
suggestion as she was busy doing
algebra. But this was a persistent
stranger, so after the third phone call,
the baby-sitter became somewhat
annoyed by the caller and perhaps
even a bit frightened. She decided to
call the police to snitch on the
busybody.
The cops told her that the next
time the person called, she should
keep him on the line and they would
have the phone company trace the
call. When the person called again,
the two engaged in a polite conversa
tion in which the stranger told the
baby-sitter that he wanted to cover
himself in her blood. Not interested,
the baby-sitter hung up the phone
only to have it immediately ring
again.
Extremely aggravated, the sitter
started to lay into the caller about
phone etiquette, but this time it was
the police on the line who told her
that the caller was calling from insid
the house and that he was probably
there to kill her. Going against the
baby-sitter’s Hippocratic oath to
never leave the children unattended,
the sitter laid rubber out of the place
it
Wisdom is the curmudgeon who pulls
back the curtain on the Wizard of Oz
and reveals our poltergeists to be drafty
air vents. How miserably boring.
just as the busybody’s shadow
descended the staircase.
As it turned out, this was no
normal busybody. This was a
busybody that also murdered
children in their sleep, which
happened to be the situation of the
kids upstairs.
I have never seen the rest of this
' movie because just as the police were
carting two tiny body bags out of the
house, my baby-sitter informed my
brother and me that it was time for us
to go to bed. The irony of the
situation was not lost on our young
selves.
We shifted our eyes frantically,
looking for an escape route, but none
would be had. It was apparent we’d
have to brush our teeth, go to bed,
and assume our grisly fates, which
we didn’t take very well. My brother
and I spent the subsequent week
awake, and every night carried
sounds that, no matter their source,
resembled all too much a ringing
phone.
s It is fond childhood memories
such as this one that make me love
Halloween so. I like it when things
go bump in the night. The older one
gets, the less mysterious the world
becomes. Unexpected creaking of
doors and other unexplained house
hold clamoring, at times, keeps life
mildly interesting. But even they
eventually surrender to the unamused
wind-bagging of wise old age.
Wisdom is the curmudgeon who
pulls back the curtain on the Wizard
of Oz and reveals our poltergeists to
be drafty air vents. How miserably
boring.
Whatever happened to the prickly,
gray porcupine beast who lurked
under my bed? Where did his boil
covered, bloody-fanged gremlin pal
who festered in my closet go? I miss
those guys. I miss the days of
cowering beneath my covers, ultra
fetal-like, knees to chin in a tiny
child ball as a knobby green finger
poked at my bed springs. No getting
up to go to the bathroom or to get a
drink from the refrigerator, no
moving until the sun came up. As I
think about it, maybe the creatures
had an arrangement with my parents
so mom and dad could stop parenting
at night.
Violent crime and research papers
are the monsters that scare me now.
Exorcising Linda Blair has given way
to exercising my gut. An ever
growing student loan bill is “The
Blob” of my life and another four
years of Bill Clinton as president has
become my Cujo. Somehow the
monsters have lost their appeal.
Thursday, the sweets-hungry
ghouls will mecca about their
neighborhoods, hiding their alter
egos as mild-mannered grade-school
children. They will brave the spooky
night for a bag full of loot, unbe
knownst to them that they will soon
grow up and have to stay mild
mannered. They will discover that
the wonderful, multicolored trees of
Halloween season are actually
scaffolds for thousands of little leaf
corpses that earmark the coming of
cold weather, difficult journeys to
work, and the winterizing of one’s
car. Jack-o-lantems will become less
sinister and more messy. People will
stop handing out free candy.
Thursday night, I’ll be sporting
my Bumble Bee costume (which is
not to be confused with Blind Melon
album covers). My version of a
bumble bee involves silver pants, a
brown leather “Shaft” jacket, sun
glasses and a handgun. I’ll probably
do something that involves a
pumpkin in some way. I’ll probably
be drunk. And when the evening
winds down, I’ll probably watch one
of my favorite horror movies that
will, in some part, bring the scariness
back to Oct. 31.
And at some point in the evening,
the telephone will probably ring. But
alas, in keeping with the monotony of
adulthood, it will probably only be
my mom.
Albracht is a junior philosophy
major and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
Nick
WILTGEN
Vote Libertarian
Presidential candidate vows to cut big government
In six days, we Americans vote
for the next president of the United
States.
Don’t waste your vote.
If you believe government is too
■big, don’t waste
your vote on Bill
Clinton or Bob
Dole, because
despite what they
say, neither will
deliver a govern
ment that is
actually smaller
than the one we
have now.
But there is one candidate who
will deliver a dramatically smaller
government, and I will vote for him
on Nov. 5. His name is Harry
Browne, and he is the Libertarian
candidate for president.
Browne, an articulate 63-year-old
author and financial adviser, has
never held elective office. He has
been a lifelong Libertarian and
earned his living entirely in the
private sector.
His brilliant proposals to deflate
our ballooning federal government
are detailed in his latest book, “Why
Government Doesn’t Work.” In the
/ book, Browne writes about his
specific plan to not only eliminate
the budget deficit, but also to
eradicate the federal government’s $
trillion debt.
Here are his proposals:
—Immediately eliminate the
U
Browne is the only presidential candidate
who truly advocates the end of big
government and a return to the free
society America once enjoyed.
personal income, estate, and gift
taxes, as well as the corporate
income tax and the Social Security
tax, and replace them with nothing.
—Sell off the government’s
assets over a six-year period from
1998 to 2003. Browne estimates the
value of these assets—which
include 29 percent of all the land in
America and more than 441,000
buildings —to be about $12 trillion.
—Use just 'under half of the $12
trillion to buy private annuities for
everyone dependent on Social
Security. That way, our retirees are
not left out in the cold, and future
generations can plan their own
retirements instead of surrendering
15 percent of their incomes to
government bureaucrats. __
—Eliminate most federal govern
ment programs, including the massive
welfare bureaucracy and burdensome
5 regulatory agencies such as the Envi
ronmental Protection Agency and the
Food and Drug Administration. These
programs and agencies cripple indi
viduals’ initiative to better themselves
and impose draconian restrictions on
businesses’ ability to produce better
products and to function in the global
marketplace.
—Balance the budget immedi
ately in 1998 and end deficits for
good. Browne’s budget shows a $1
billion surplus in 1998—which
grows to a $2.2 trillion surplus in the
year 2000 as the annuities purchases
wind down and the asset sales '
continue. By 2003, the national debt
will be wiped out, and by 2004 the
budget surplus wiU drop to zero as
the government settles into its small,
constitutionally defined role, with
$100 billion in revenue and $100
billion in spending.
Of course, if the asset sale conies
up short, it will not be possible to
eliminate all taxes. But if the
government has mote liabilities than
* assets, then it is bankrupt. Browne
suggests a 5 percent sales tax to pay
offthe rest of the debt; certainly it
would be more lair than the income
tax that allows the IRS to pry into
every American's private life.
Browne will also end
government's massive intrusion into
our personal lives.
—He will immediately end the
costly, failed war cm drugs and will
pardon anyone convicted of a
nonviolent drag offense. This will
free up valuable prison space for
criminals who actually hurt people
—murderers, rapists, robbers, etc.
—He will put an end to asset
forfeiture laws that allow police to
search and seize your property.
-rr-He widjak/or an end to gun
control lawstnatljjave law-abiding
citizens defenseless against criminals •
—He will end all affirmative
action programs and the racist quotas
and set-asides that such programs
inevitably produce.
If you really believe government
is too big, don't waste your vote. Bill
Clinton won’t shrink the government.
Bob Dole won’t shrink the govern
ment Ross Perot won’t do it either.
Even though Harry Browne is
unlikely to win, the more votes he
gets, the more the establishment will
recognize that Americans are ready
to drastically change the system.
Vote your conscience.
Wittgea is a junior broadcasting
aad meteorology major aad a
Daily Nebraskan columnist
