. Steve
WILLEY
Hallowed eve
’Us the season for ghouls, goblins, guffaws
i aon i Know aoout you ioiks, out
I sure am looking forward to Hallow
een. I’m so excited, I’m even starting
i to lose control of my bowel move
ments.
Ever since
I was a little kid,
Halloween has
been my favorite
holiday. I have
so many fond
memories.
I remem
ber my friends
and me camping
out in a tent in
my backyard and devouring piles of
free candy. I remember telling ghost
stories with a flashlight under my
chin in order to look more sinister. I
remember my drunken father ruining
my entire evening by doing his
“patented belly-flop” on the tent and
sending my friends to the hospital. I
remember asking Mom why they
were taking Dad away.
The great thing about Halloween
is that it s not like other holidays;
you don’t have to be a kid to enjoy it.
Some of my most exciting moments
in life came as an adult during
Halloween.
To me, the best part about
Halloween is the haunted houses—
and Lincoln has some good ones.
The real entertainment of the houses
lies not in the performances of the
ghouls and goblins, but rather in the
spontaneity of terrified youths.
I always try to make sure that I go
with a group that has a lot of little
kids in it. The reason is that little
kids have no idea that these haunted
houses are fake. They’re willing to
do anything to ensure their safety —
even if it means head-butting a ghost
in tne crotcn. i can see it already:
Grim Reaper: “Welcome! I’m
the Grim Reaper, and I will be your
guide in the (in a low, resonant
voice) HOUSE OF HORROR!
Inside, you will see terror beyond
your wildest imagination. But you
must stay near my flashlight, for the
demons inside can rip through a
brick wall and devour an automobile,
but for some reason they’re scared of
my key-chain light. So come, let us
enter.”
(Little Jimmy and the group
follow the Renner thmi.nh „
creaking door).
Reaper: “This is the room of
Tyra, an evil witch who used to fatten
up little children and eat them. They
were all about (he points to Jimmy)
your size! (Kneeling.) What’s your
name little... UMMPFF!”
(Little Jimmy begins head-butting
and punching the Reaper in the
groin until, eventually, the ghoul is
reduced to a crumpled, shivering
mass on the floor. At this point, the
lights are turned on because the
flashlight the Reaper was holding
during the attack has been com
pressed into a fine powder. Also, the
Reaper is in serious need of medical
attention.)
I have no fear when little kids are
present, but many adults do. Like the
u
I don’t care if Mother Teresa is holding
my hand, if she’s in between me and
freedom, she’s getting trampled.”
children, some adults also think that
the houses are really haunted. Maybe
they think that the house is set up by
the same Gypsy spirits that frighten
people every year; I don’t know. But
what I do know is that adults are just
as fun to watch as the kids.
Males especially try to act macho
in front of the children, but inside,
they’re just as terrified.
And because they’re in the
company of impressionables, they
can’t express their fear with conven
tional cuss words Therefore thev’re
forced to spontaneously create
strange phrases that mean absolutely
nothing to the sane.
For example, upon hearing a
cricket chirp, Macho Dad can be
heard shouting, “Holy Rat Mother of
Wyoming!” or perhaps, “Great God
of Puppy Crap!”
This isn’t the case with me
though. I’m fairly composed in
haunted houses. Until, of course, I
hear the chain saws crank up.
That reverberating chain saw
noise terrifies me. I’ve been known
to cause several thousands of dollars
worth of structural damage to
buildings after those babies get
started.
I don’t care if Mother Teresa is
holding my hand, if she’s in between
me and freedom, she’s getting
trampled.
i tninK cnain saws scare me so bad
because they aren’t meant to be
started inside of buildings. I’d
probably be just as frightened if I
heard something equally foreign,
such as a llama vomiting.
What would be ideal next
Halloween would be a haunted house
aimed at college students. After all,
we’re not typical people, so it only
stands to reason that we have
atypical fears. Here are some scary
suggestions if anyone feels ambitious
next year:
• Have Gov. Ben Nelson, dressed
in drag, spring from a fold-out
ironing-board cabinet and begin to
dance the Macarena.
• Have the group of students
ushered into a bare room, lighted
only by a single naked light bulb.
Suddenly, all the NU Regents appear
with their arms outstretched like
Frankenstein. In their hands is a new
student-seating proposal for future
NU football games. Upon close
inspection, the students will find that
the proposal calls for them to watch
the games atop donkeys outside of
the stadium.
• Have a big-screen TV set up to
repeat LiF Red’s “bouncy dance”
over and over until the students
become so delirious with rage, they
all have to be lobotomized.
Oct. 31 is going to be a great time.
And while I’m reasonably sure that I
can wait another week, I’m not so
sure that my bowels can hold out.
Things may be getting scary a
week early this year.
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
justtoinkT^
IN FIVE OR
SIX YEARS/
SHE'LL BE V
DATING. (
9W
