Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 4, 1996)
Steve WILLEY Carnal confusion What is it about women, man? I may catch a little flak for this one, but I need to explain how confused I am about the opposite ^(EDITOR’S NOTE: I think, though I’m not positive, that Steve is referring to females here,) Before the women liberators of the world write any painful letters to the editor, let me first say that I have a deep love and admiration for women; they are inherently magnificent creatures. Also, they have hooters. But all of that aside, I can’t help but wonder if women have any idea how confusing they are to us men. Now, my mother once told me that I am of the male persuasion, and although I can only find VERY MINUTE traces to verify this claim, I have no choice but to take her word for it. As a man, I can attest firsthand to the perplexing nature of females. My confusion, like many males’, began at an early age. I grew up with two older brothers who no doubt stoked my confusion towards women. How confused was I? Well, let’s just say that for the longest time I thought tampons were nothing more than large firecrackers, somewhere between the strength of a M-80 and a Howitzer. I was honestly a college sophomore before my S.A. at Schramm Residence Hall sat me down and explained the real function of these items. Suddenly, it made perfect sense why I was getting all those strange looks from other residents whenever I lit the “fuse” of a tampon and excitedly threw it into a neighbor’s room. “What the HELL are you doing?!” they’d shout as I crouched nervously outside their room. NO WONDERI ;•* KEPT GETTING “DUDS”! I know I’m not the only one who , did this. But can you blame us? Men don’t WANT to learn how a woman’s > body functions. For most of us, this is the most terrifying thing in the world. Any man will tell you that they would much rather ingest 16 feet of barbed wire before listening to what we call “Women Stories.” . I, for example, will sacrifice anything at all to avoid talking about about PMS (Pre-Murder Syndrome). Here’s a tip for you. If you ever desire anything from me, simply begin discussing this topic when I’m around. I have no idea how to handle this awkward situation. If you don’t believe me, let me offer an example. Last summer, my hone was burglarized while I was in Mississippi for vacation. Upon returning, I noticed that someone had stolen my piano, three napkins, and had left all my mayonnaise out to spoil. (EDITOR’S NOTE: It should be noted here that despite the fact that the mayonnaise had been left out for more than a week, Steve still ate it “before it got worse.” As a result, he II Now, my mother once told me that I am of the male per suasion, and al though I can only find VERY MINUTE traces to verify this claim, I have no choice but to take her word for it” was forced to go to the emergency room where doctors induced vomit ing by dancing the Macarena in their shorts.) Later an officer contacted me and said that they had apprehend&4he burglar, who was female. I asked the police officer why the woman would do such a thing. His reply was that the woman claimed her “monthly little visitor” was to blame. At this point, I forgot who I was and began stuttering uncontrollably. In my haste to get off the phone, I told the officer that, not only was I not pressing charges, but I was going to mail the woman $75 a week if she promised to never mention her problems again. As far as. women should be concerned, PMS is the Coot-De-Gras of all excuses. I’ve even beard of women getting out of traffic tickets because of this. Girls can givea cop the most outlandish excuse in the book and, as long as she follows it with ‘It must be my time of the month,” the officer will flee away wildly, usually forgetting his vehicle in the process. I also don’t understand the violent mood swings women undergo. ^ Within the time frame of2.6niilli’ seconds, a woman can go&wn being completely happy-go-lucky to being completely-I-hate-cverything-in-the northem-hemisphere. Men are so confused by this sudden shift in moods that generally our only defense is to stand there pretending to be a lobster. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Steve is the only one who does this, as he is an idiot.) Sometimes these swings are over traumatic experiences the woman has undergone, such as a cat sneezing. However, many times the swings are over simple things like not having a clean shirt to wear to the laundromat. (And God help the sympathetic boyfriend who thinks a “clean shirt” is anything that does not have a slice of pizza stuck to it.) Another thing that confuses me about girls is how far they read into what men have said. For example, I remember long ago, telling a girl that my house was a “little messy.” How surprised she was when she arrived and was unable to locate an octopus underneath the sofa cushion! That’s why men are so deathly afraid to say what is on our minds. We know that the second it enters a girl’s mind, and she discusses it with 1,839 of only her closest girlfriends, that it will cane back out completely opposite of how we intended it. The final reason why women confuse me so, is how they handle situations. For example, if Sarah notices a mouse running across the living room floor, Sarah will run 739 miles in the opposite direction of the mouse, stopping only wnen i>aran is rudely greeted by the trunk of a Sycamore Tree. Men on the other hand, will probably throw a beer can at it. And what about dealing with pain. A woman can have nothihg more than a sliver in her finger and the chances are high that she will enlist the opinions of at least seven specialists, regardless of whether or not all the “Sliver Specialists” reside in Austria. Men, however, can suffer near mortal wounds, such as loosing a leg or upper torso, and will medically solve the problem by “walking it off.” - I really hope any girls reading this column are not offended, but so what if you are. What’s the worse you can do, STILL not call me for a date? Seriously though, I want to make it clear that nothing I’ve discussed are faults. After all, every guy knows how perfect women are. We’re the ones who have the most learning to do. But it sure would be nice if you women could give us a little help now and then. You know, to ease the confusion. A bottle of Whiskey and some Tylenol would be a great start. Willey is a senior news-editorial major and a Daily Nebraskan cohirnnkt, r IffeiicV fitted i dfopfing. fcAfc/klntenuitiotuU ffW ComUict Lens rwkSWsJiRS} VBRN CENTERS 3200 ‘O’ St 475-1030 •Hye examinations for glasses and contact lenses •FREE in-office CONTACT LENS CONSULTATIONS •Prescriptions filled from any eye doctor •Eye glass guarantee •Emergency service available •Hundreds of frames: Fashion and Sport •All types of Contact Lenses •BUDGET PLAN-CREDIT CARDS BIG REP SPECIAL!!! Show your UNL I D. and receive 20% off frame and lenses, sunglasses and contact lenses (excludes other discounts.) Offer expires 10/15/96. Just when she met the man of her dreams, her husband showed up to ruin everything, ^ -w1 > mwsm. Feeling Minnesota R > JDDJ nn 3ol8v iTiujir *, ■ " FILM! y '.h Of* PLAZA 4 12th » *P* / PH: 477-1234/ W p 9:35 ing at http: www.flf.com/fm/ Bullseye! Get that Minnesota F: Dental & Students Saturday, October 5,1996 8:00-11:30 a.m. Program with Tours . of the Facilities i ibthMJs for Lunchl HUl'IflT I «»at In unniftTnr, **Ht *r»f! plRFiOtihs hfHrwismlI University of Nebraska Medical Center College of Dentistry v • • " 40th & Holdrege Streets ,v Lincoln, Nebraska 68583-0740 ReQIstratlon/Informatlon: (402) 472-1363 or 1364