Steve
WILLEY
Music makes the man
so choose wisely
There’s no doubt in most of our
minds that America’s music is as
diverse as its people. American
music has been on a constant
evolution since its inception. In order
to better under
stand the begin
ning of America’s
changes in music
and where it
stands today, it’s
important to look
at the first
historical incident
concerning this
tonic.
The first documented song in
America was “Hu-yah, Hu-yah,” by
the Natchez Indians in 1192 A.D. It
was a popular song and everyone
seemed to enjoy it, despite the fact
that it literally translated into
“Beware the goat.”
Eventually, however, in the early
1200s, the song was quickly over
taken in the charts by a similarly
sounding rap version entitled “Hu
yah, Hu-yah — Hell YEAAH!” As
time passed, many styles of the song
arose including the timeless Amish
classic, “Hu-ye\ Hu-ye’.”
The diversification of American
music had begun and continues in
epic proportions to this day. Accord
ing to a recent study, some Ameri
cans are so particular about their
style of music that they listed
funerals as the only time they would
“consider” listening to something
else.
Yet there are other Americans
who enjoy all kinds of music and,
especially when their girlfriends are
yelling at them, will occasionally
listen to them simultaneously.
But let us not forget those who
don’t know enough about contempo
rary sounds to make the arduous
decision of which music to buy. If
you are one of those people, there’s
good news, for I have compiled a
complete, yet brief guide to contem
porary music. After browsing
through each section, you will no
doubt have a better idea of what
styles of music best suit your taste.
COUNTRY AND WESTERN
The origins of country music can
be directly traced back to Ernest C.
Bardeaux who invented yodeling
after drinking moonshine and
accidentally urinating on a water
moccasin. The rest, as they say, is
history.
A few years ago, country music
was one of the fastest growing styles
in America. Recently, however,
country music’s popularity declined
once people discovered that the Billy
Ray Cyrus Virus could be cured by
placing your head in an oven and
basting it with Tabasco sauce.
Many faithfuls still cling to the
rich lore of country music. Tradition
ally, singers have been drunken
outlaws, but recently, their reputa
tions are beginning to change. For
example, George Jones, who once
drove a John Deere tractor to a bar
because his wife hid his car keys,
now enjoys the simple pleasures of
life, such as knitting or riding a
hobby horse in the nude. (Nobody
ever said he stopped drinking.)
Generally, spotting a country and
western fan is easy. The simplest way
is to examine the bumper stickers on
the back of their trucks. If they read
either a) Follow me to (Insert your
local whorehouse), or b) My buddy
is Hank Larson: Bail bondsman, you
can be relatively sure you’re behind a
country music fan.
RAP
With the recent violent happen
ings in die rap industry, many experts
predict a sharp rise in the sales of rap
music. Rap, which is short for the
Latin, “Reeti Alto Peele’” (meaning,
“My volume knob is broken”) is
unique in that it must be blared at
enormous volumes. As a matter of
fact, recent findings suggest that
earthquakes are NOT the result of
shifting tectonic plates beneath the
earth’s crust. Scientists now know
that they are merely the result of
three or more teen-agers in Los
Angeles starting a Snoop Doggy
Dogg CD at the same time.
Rap music offers a wide variety of
lyrics for its fans, the most popular
being: “BOOM, THUMP, BOOM,
BA-BOOM, BOOM.” To the
untrained ear, this sounds like little
more than an unethical taping of
Elephants mating, but to the rap
lover, it’s poetry.
Like country fans, rap lovers are
also easily identified by their
vehicles. Typically their cars, as
dictated by ancient rap law, can be no
more than three nanometers from the
ground an must have great difficulty
going over speed bumps. If someone
is seen conquering a speed bump
without enlisting the aid of a jack
hammer, they are usually shot
repeatedly. IN FACT, AN UNBE
LIEVABLE 97 percent OF ALL
DRIVE-BY-SHOOTINGS ARE A
DIRECT RESULT OF THIS LAW!
So be careful, if rap is your thing.
ALTERNATIVE
Perhaps one of the fastest growing
styles of music is alternative. Artists
such as Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Milli
Vanilli have not only flooded
American music stores, but have also
created a new breed of youth who
lip-sync.
The new “grunge” look, which
consists mainly of not showering for
a period of seven months, was
inspired by alternative music. This
look was reportedly founded in
Seattle during the early 1990s.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: It should be
noted that Steve’s father in Missis
sippi is currently suing the state of
Washington, claiming that he has
been considered “legally grungy”
since 1937.) Alternative music is a
very deep and reflective music and
often times serious underlying
messages are coded within their
lyrics. For example, few people
know that Nirvana’s song, “Smells
like Teen Spirit” is actually a song
about why people named LeRoy
should never play Bingo.
It’s hard to hear at first, but if you
listen carefully after smoking 382
pounds of marijuana, it is quite
evident.
There are other styles, such as
jazz, heavy metal, and classical, that
space does not permit me to discuss.
I hope, however, I have addressed
the more popular styles for college
students.
Now that you are armed with
knowledge, you should have no
apprehension when purchasing your
next CD. Remember though, the style
of music you choose will ultimately
dictate who you are as a person.
Now that I think about it, we’re
probably all better off whistling
theme songs from Disney’s “101
Dalmatians.”
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
Cartoon
PORTFOLIO
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