EDITOR
DougRouma
OPINION .
EDITOR
AnneHjersman
EDITORIAL
BOARD
Doug Peters
Matt Waite
Paula Lavigne
Mitch Sherman.
Anthony Nguyen
■-.".4 UMr4;. ;
"They land of did selective enforcement
of their own policy.”
— Lambda Chi Alpha President Scott
Mollei; on police procedures in issuing MIPs
to three busloads of UNL students traveling
to a fraternity party
“When I’m president, I don’t intend to
wink at drugs.”
— Bob Dole, criticizing President
Clinton's anti-drug efforts
"I’m still big. I’d just like a couple of
inches, and even if you don’t have the size,
you can make up for it with your heart”
— Husker starting center Aaron Taylor,
on his height
"If men could get pregnant, family plan
ning would be a sacrament”
—Frances Kissling, president of Catho
lics for a Free Choice, in support of abortion
rights
"A campus that says they have no prob
lems is lying. It’s like a dty saying it has
no crime.”
—UNL Police Chief Ken Cauble, on the
reluctance of some campuses to report crimes
"President Smith has no intention of
nickel and diming the students for every
issue that comes along.”
—NU Regent Nancy O'Brien, on bud
get plans for campus renovations
“The thought crossed my mind, but Coach
Osborne put a damper on that Plus I
would probably get a penalty.**
—Nebraska wingback Lance Brown, on
the temptation to perform post-touchdown
backflips
“lt*ll be a packed house. People hanging
off the lights as far as I know.**
— Arizona State quarterback Jake
Plummet on the upcoming game with the
Huskers at Sun Devil Stadium
“He’s really quiet—but that’s kind of the
unwritten rule for rookies.**
— California Angels rightfielder Tim
Salmon, on former Comhusker Darin Erstad,
who was a first pick in the June 199S major
league draft
“1 knew Harry TVuman, and Bob Dole is
no Harry TVuman.”
—Veteran political reporter Helen Tho
mas, on Dole’s hopes for a historical come
back in the 19% presidential race
“You can access the Unabomber’s 35,000
word anti-technology manifesto on the
World Wide Web. .M Irony is a harsh mis
tress.?
— The Deep End, by cartoonist Chad
Strawderman
“Martyrdom is not what we’re seeking.
Office is what we’re seeking.**
— Ross Perot’s running mate, Pat
Choate, on the Commission on Presidential
Debates’ decision to exclude the Reform
Party
“If I start thinking out on the court, I start
playing crappy.**
— UNL outside hitter Kate Cmich, on
her volleyball approach
-. 1 J * i
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Steve
WILLEY
It’s just gas, gas, gas
The other day in Spanish class, while
posing as a pencil in the hopes thk my
professor wouldn't call on me, I had an
astounding revelation: I HAVE YET TO
WRITE A COLUMN ABOUT
FARTING!
The more I thought about it, the
more I couldn’t believe the subject had
escaped my pen ftr as long aait had.
Just like every American male, farts
have been a huge part of my life—
from the day my fatherfirst demon
strated their flammability, right down to
the day he RimultflnflfHisly
our couch’s flammability.
So I could not, in good conscience,
allow another day to expire without
sharing my thoughts on this subject "
But bear wife me if you will, as this
topic, even for a collegiate newspaper,
is a little risky.
Now I am not condemning public
flatulence, nor shall I condone it I am,
however, confused by it I don’t
understand why farting is considered
taboo and, if done in the presence of the
pope, a mortal sin.
. Even when I mentioned it to my
editors as a possible column, they all
shifted uneasily in their chairs. Why? I
am afraid I don’t know. Maybe I’m just
not as easily agitated. Or perhaps, in
another much more accurate way, I’m „
quite possibly just a flaming idiot.
As our history has emphatically
proven, flatulence—any flatulence—
is severely frowned upon. One historic
example occurred on June 8,1969,
when then-President Richard Nixon
accidentally let one loose during a
nationally televised press conference.
(For those of you who may have
forgotten, Nixon was subsequently
asked to resign.)
I have obtained, from the Internet,
the transcript from that day and will let
you make your own assumptions about
l$pf ’ S
niAvni s\nu iurthermore, I resolve to
decrease the number of troops in
Vietnam by (hepauses, visibly strain
ing) D-Dear Lord...”//e winces.
(10:29a.m. EST)
The following is heard by those in
attendance: ‘THHHHHTAIATATAT
ATBUDABUDAWHEeeeeee...
(10:58 a.m. EST)
“...WHEeeeeeTTTTTTT.”
The crowd of astonished reporters looks
about, eventually a man speaks: ®
“Er..M. President, Uh...WaJter
Cronkite here, CBS News...Er... was
that, uh...Did you???”
(11:00 am EST)
NIXON: “Er... Indeed, uh Walter.
L.er... stepped ona tree frog. They’re
terrible this time of year.”
(11:01 am EST)
An anonymous voice in the back shouts :
“IMPEACH HIM!”
By the repercussions of that event,
it’s no wonder many of us will conceal a
fart, even if it means driving to Ontario
to pass gas in an abandoned wheat silo.
Personally, I’m too frightened to fart
in public, but secretly, I admire those
who aren’t.
Ihave compiled a list of the two
major types of farts, partly to insure a
common shred of human understand
ing, but mainly because it has been
sane time now since Ihave publicly
humiliated my mother.
The most common rart is the
“Boomer” fart. Thankfully, Boomer
farts are not fatal unless someone with a
hearing aid is within a three-inch radius
of the person doing the booming. As
their name suggests, Boomer farts are
unique in that they emit, among other
things, enormous decibel levels.
Pootdogists gauge these levels at
about 173 decibels, which, according to
my charts, is slightly louder than the
noise a walrus would make if its snout
were caught in a garbage disposal.
The reactions to this fart are typically
often use the opportunity to loot newly
collapsed buildings. These farts also
will always evoke ravenous laughter in
third-graders and fat columnists.
(Ahem.)
The other type of common fart is
called the “Woosher.” Unlike Boomer
farts, Wooshers are relatively silent
They usually begin with an audible
“POP,” and trail out in utter silence.
Because of this silence, Wooshers are
the fart of choice for politicians and
priests, and are usually only noticed by
people in the same state who have
noses.
Q have always found the name
“Wboshef”ahit odd because growing
up in my house it was always referred to
as a “GOD STEVIE! WE HATE YOU!
YOU’RE THE REASON WE
STOPPED HAVING KIDS!”)
As with Boomers, the reactions to
Woodier farts are widely varied.
Usually die victims will look about the
room upon hearing the “POP” and
eventually, once they’ve realized what
has happened, will make a face
generally associated with drinking 48
gallons of lemon juice.
Another typical response is to spray
193 cans of Lysol in the general
direction of the assumed Woosher—
but therein lies the problem.
Since Wooshers are virtually noise
free, it’s difficult to tell who die culprit
is. The old adage of “The hen who
cackled laid the egg,” isn’t always true.
Oftentimes, the person who first yells,
“HOLY JERUSALEM, MY NOSE IS
ON FIRE!” is just a person who really
would rather smell something else at the
time.
Most nuns agree the best saying is;
“Beat whoever it smells die worst by
with a garden hose.” The problem with .
this advice is that, in order to find the
Woodier, someone must be a designated
sniffer. Many times this person must be
chosen with the aid of a machete, but
occasionally the person who yelled,
“Holy Jerusalem...” doesn’t expect to
live to see tomorrow, and accepts the
job.
I hope my words have cleared up
any concerns you had about the gases
within us. And although the names
escape me, I’m sure there are groups
devoted to answering nothing but fert
questions. (EDITOR’S NOTE: They
canbefoundfitthebhi&pagesofyotf
phonftbo^qAl«h§^yQ allowed
to write columns aoout flowers in thff
future.)
hi closing, try to remember the
following quote from Winston
Churchill’s famous speech in Paris: “In
the end, when you are returned to the
earth tbit begot you, understand that
you shall be remembered by your
realized ambitions and not by an
accidental toot during an auction.”
I couldn’t have said it any better
myself.
Willey is from MissifdppL Y«p.