Brent
T%rvrm
POPE
* -- -:
Telemarketers must be stopped
The other night I answered the
phone and heard these words: i
“Hello! Mr. Pope?”
Right away I knew something was
fishy. When someone calls me “Mr.”
■ I know the caller is either:
A. A military recruiter asking
what I’m doing with my life and if I
would like the chance to get shot at.
/ B. Someone trying to reach my
dad, who actually answers to “Mr.
Pope.”
C. One of my friends impersonat
ing a telemarketer.
D. AN ACTUAL
TELEMARKETER!
If you didn’t guess D, then you
probably don’t have a phone,
because these days telemarketers are
constantly calling, offering almost
anything at a “low, low price.”
I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve
bought stuff over the phone before. A
smooth-talking salesman once
offered me something I just could no(
refuse. It sounded great, but what I
got was a cheesy Scooby Doo phone
that made Mariah Carey sound like
Harry Caray. For weeks I had the
same nightmare that starred Mariah
singing “Thke Me Out To The
Ballgame” with Harry’s gravelly
voice during the seventh inning
stretch at Wrigjey Field. It always
ended with Mariah screaming “Cubs
win! Cubs win!” I will never buy
anything over die phone again.
If you enjoy those little expedi
tions, that’s OK. Sane people enjoy
the chance to match wits and
Jfeopefully withstand the temptation of
the “Jedi Telemaiketer Mind Triefcs.”
But there are a la of people who just
can’t say no. If you fall into this
category, don’t despair, I'm about to
do you a big fava.
s (HINT: You may want to cut out
the rest ofthis and keep it by the .
phone far quick reference.)
If you are one of those people
With a low resistance to phone
salespeople, here is the easiest way
to get off the phone without buying
anything:
Just tell the caller right away “I’m
not interested” and hang up before
^ey can respond with one of those
«
It sounded great,
but what I got was
a cheesy Scooby
Doo phone that
made Mariah
Carey sound like
Harry Caray”
oh so witty rebuttals. (If you insist on
hearing the deal being offered, listen
on, but beware. You’ll probably
- wake up the next morning wondering
“Why the hell do I need a garden
weasel?”)
You might be asking yourself
“Hey, what do you really know about
this subject? Why should I listen to
you?” ,
Well, I have a confession to make.
This is hard for me to admit, but ! am
a recovering telemarketer. That’s
right, just a few months ago I may ;
have called you up and begged you
to buy my pathetic product (1*1! spare
you thegory details) at a special
discount rate. But since I did manage
to escape withmy sanity, which is
rare, I find it necessary to reveal .
some of the secrets of the trade.
First of all, people seem to think
that the way to make a telemarketer
mad is to hang up right away.
Wtango! They know that they willbe
rejected most of die time, and the
fact that you hung up sotjuick just
gives them more time to bug other
people.
If you really want to tick them off,
act really interested. Say things like
“wow” or “very interesting” or “my
feet reek” (no, wait, don’t say that).
Then, when they’re just about to ask
you to buy, you use one of the
following phrases: (Feel free to make
up your own.)
1. I’m 11 and my mommy and
daddy aren’t hone.
2.1 don’t live here, I just broke in
to use the toilet.
3. I’m sorry, were you saying
something?
(Or, if you’re really mean)
4. Uh, could you repeat all of that
again? (Just keep doing this until
they hang up on you.)
Next up is the secret of the
ASSUMPTIVE CLOSE. Here’s how
it works. (Tblemarketer’s
voice):”Blah blah blah...great
deal...blah...lowest price
available...blah..and all I have to do
is get some information from you and
we can send you our product tonight,
OK!?”
The idea behind this selling
technique is that when they say
“OK”, naturally you will be dumb
enough to answer “OK”. Please don’t
fall for this elementary trick, OK!?
Here’s one last insider tip, which
just happens to be the most danger
ous telemarketing tactic of all: THE
SEXY PHONE VOICE. Men am
especially vulnerable to this one.
(Deep sultry voice): “Why don’t you
give it a try? Surely it can’t hurt to
just give it a try. Everybody’s.trying
it”, this isusuallyfollowed by
,o ^
Don’t ever, ever buy something
on the phone just because someone's
voice sounds sexy. That alluring
voice is being paid to get you to say
“yes.” Andifyou do say “yes,”
you'll probably kick yourself in the
moraing^and wander what the hell
you're going to do with five gallons
of watermelon flavored foot oint
ment.
Brent Pope is a senior broad
casting major and a Daffy Nebras
kan columnist.
-
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