EDITOR
DougKounw
OPINION
EDITOR
AnnelQersman
EDITORIAL
BOARD
DougPetere
Matt Write
Paula Lavigne
Mitch Sherman
BethNarans
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“I thought Bffl (Byrne) was crazy.”
—- Chancellor James Moeser on UNL’s
plans to sponsor a NASCAR team
“I’ve been raising rabbits since I was 5
and really didn’t think of it at aB when I
went in for Playboy. Now I guess it’s sort
of ironic.”
—UNL junior Tami Unger on her appear
ance in Playboy magazine’s “Girls of die Big
12” issue
“It was not my intent to be maBdous dur
ing the interview.”
—ESPN broadcaster Roy Firestone on his
recent interview with NU Football Coach
Tom Osborne
“You wfll have more free time than any
time since you were in kindergarten.”
— Chancellor James Moeser speaking at
a convocation for new students
“We’re loading up the ’76 Ford Chateau
now.”
— Garth Johnson, lead singer of Plastik
Trumpet, on the band’s plans to travel to New
York for the College Music Journal festival
“People asked me if I’ve tried other ways
of Bving besides with God. Yes, I’ve tried
otherways.”
—Pastor Tom Short preaching to students
on the Nebraska Union plaza
“We were certainly bad. We were pitiful.
We got clobbered. Hopefully, it was good
for us.”
—Florida Football Coach Steve Spurrier
on the Fiesta Bowl and his team's chances
for a winning season
“You have to assume that anyone left hold
ing a newspaper is intelligent”
—“Non Sequitir” author Wiley on the edi
torial level of his comic strip
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell
and organize.”
— Vice President A1 Gore to New York
delegates at the Democratic National Con
vention
“If they agree with me on everythhig, why
shouldn’t I be president?”
—Presidential candidate Bob Dole on the
Clinton campaign's use of “GOP themes”
“Now I’m not very good at arithmetic, but
there is a correlation about who you play
and how many games you win. it looks to
me like we got our tail to the heater.”
— Texas Tech Football Coach Spike
Dykes on the Big 12 Conference
’
“I just made up my mind that I wasn’t
going to be one of those guys who wasn’t
going to go out without a fight” -
—Husker Damon Benning on the race for
the starting I-back position
Editorial Policy
Unsigned editorials are the opinions of the
Fall 1996 Daily Nebraskan. They dp notnec
essarily reflect die views of the University
of Nebraska-Lincoln, its employees, its stu
dent body or die University of Nebraska
Board of Regents. A column itsoley the
opinion of its antfipf-. The Board of Regents
serves as publisher of the Daily Nebraskan;
pofiey is set by fhe Daily Nebraskan Edito
rial Board. The UNLItoblicatians Board, e»-:
tablished by the regents, supervises die pre
diction of did newspaper. Aocoriiing to
policy set by the regents, responsibility for
:. die editorial content of the newspaper lies
solely in the hands of its student employees.
Letter Policy
The Daily Nebraskan welcomes brief let
ters to the editor and guest columns, but
does not guanmtee their publication. The
Daily Nebraskan retains the right to edit
or rgect any material submitted. Submit
ted material becomes the property of the
Daily Nebraskan and cannot be returned.
Anonymous submissions will not be
published. Those who submit letters
must identify themselves by name, year
in school, major and/or group affilia
tion, if any. Submit material to: Daily Ne
braskan, 34 Nebraska Union, 1400RSt
Lincoln. Neb. 68588-0448. E-mail:
tetten9unlinfo.iinl.edu.
mrummirin
Tfe W...NW vWT
.Steve
WILLEY
^— I stuff
ty full of it
The summer of 1996 will, in my
opinion, be forever remembered as
one of the most historic ever wit
nessed. If you take a second to
review its spectacular and sometimes
unfortunate moments, it's hard not to
concur.
For example, in early August,
scientists revealed for the first time
substantial proof that life Indeed
exists on other planets. By analyzing
a meteorite from Mars, experts
detected organic compounds that
could have only come from biologi
cal activity. Finally the world has
been given concrete evidence of life
other than that found on Earth.
Personally, I have never doubted
that life exists outside our realm. As
a matter of feet, I have living proof
of aliens at my very own hone. I
happen to have a roommate who,
afev eating tacos and cottage cheese,
is able to make every toilet in my
house explode with such furious
anger that twice now the Federal
Bureau of Alcohol, Tbbacco and
Firearms has responded.
Since no Earth human could be
capable of such horrible destruction,
I have deduced that my roommate
hails from the planet Fartron where
deafening flatulence is merely a
means of greeting each other.
Unfortunately, thissummer also
held several historic yet tragic
terroristic events. Numerous bomb
ings, along wife the people respon
sible for nationally televising the
Republican National Convention,
shook the foundation of American
safety.
I pray they catch the trashy people
responsible for their attacks {gainst
ray fellow Americans. If I had my
way—and judging from my
repeated failure in chemistry, I DO
NOT, but if I did—I’d make them
go without mayonnaise for the rest of
their lives, on top of the court’s
punishment.
I’m not a cruel man, but some
things warrant rough punishments.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: This threat
only terrifies Steve. In fact, accord
ing to officials at die University
Health Center, after Steve wrote that
line, the thought of going without
mayonnaise made hhn convulse and
swallow his tongue.
Reports indicate that he was later
beateo and arrested after he tried to
swallow a doctor’s tongue.)
Another historic event this
summer was the ’96 Olympics, where
we were awed by an inspirational, yet
visibly nervous (did you see how bad
he was shaking?) Muhammad Ali.
(Thsteless jolre, belly boy. You’re
fired -ED) The world fed in love
with the courageous gymnast Kerri
Strug as she nailed a perfect landing
—despite losing her eyesight and .
ability to carry a tune—to snatch
America’s gold medal from Russia.
OK, her victory may not have
been so intense, but with BobCostas
constantly bombarding us with thane
special “Olympic Moments,” how
could you not remember the games
that way?
Every five seconds he told some
story about this half-lizard armless
boy from Botswana who beat all
odds by winning the 200 meter
breaststroke using only his tongue for
propulsion. This after his entire
family, including their pet cat, was
pinched to death by a hot dog vendor
during the ’92 Olympics in
Barcelona.
But that’s what Mr. Costas is good
at. You could have the most pathetic
life (i.e. mine) and he could tell your
story in such a manner that would
cause even the stoic Tbm Osborne to
run nude down O Street.
If I had the money, I’d pay Mr.
Costas to follow me around with a
megaphone announcing to the world
my heartening story.
COSTAS: (Inspirational music wafts
softly in the background.) “Steve
Willey was not your average child.
(Camera flashes still photos ofSteve
telling booger jokes to his appalled
mother.) And like many his age,
Steve had a dream. It wasn’t an
average dream, quite frankly, it was a
down-right gruesome dream—a
dream of squatting up to his navel in
ground parsley.
“He did whatever it took to raise
money for the expensive herb and
grinder. He allowed his roommates to
give him a dollar to bathe daily, and
on Comhusker football Saturdays, he
let visitors outside the stadium break
golf irons over his head for a,quarter.
“Last Sunday, Steve Willey
accomplished what no one else had
ever done, or perhaps, was ever
retarded enough to try. Let’s watch
this special—(Costas sighs)—
‘Idiotic Moment*.”
The camera shows an obese, nude
22-year-old easing his way into a tub
of ground parsley, to the applause
and delight ofno one but himself...
There were other historic events,
but to me, none exemplify the
summer of *96 better than those I’ve
discussed: the long-standing tradition
of the Olympics; the immense future
of possible discovery and insight;
and, yes, even the horror of the
Republican National Convention.
They all just give me a historic,
tingiy feeling.
But more likely than not, it’s
probably just ethbedded parsley.
Willey is a senior news-editorial
major and a Daily Nebraska!