Jones’ response, in an effort to protect the
10-vear-old s innocence, says something that is
perhaps as close to the truth as any white lie can
be
“He stole something from me."
n the 17th of April, a brisk Wednesday
night, Jones opened the security door to
her apartment building and stepped in
side.
It was iust before 10 p.m
She was happy and unafraid. She had ]ust
returned trom a inend’s dance recital and was
eager to cal! a classmate to make plans for the
weekend
As she started to unlock the door to her
apartment, something made her stop
Down the hall, a voting man was stepping
out of h;s door He wa-. in excellent phvsicai
condition, muscular and well-groomed He
was a friend
Sne said hello. A friendly steeling, iust like
an\ otner time sne said nelio to nm
he said sometnme simuai anc asked if she
wanted mm to return a tew items tie was keep
ins tor ner. Jones agreed ana waitced down in.
naii io ms apartment steomn into tne smai
loves iust bemna ms uo.. .
he told ner to wai' while ne pot her thine-..
Sne waited, me uoor stiii open next to ner.
hr retumeci with ne' tiling. erne told m
mam. you and eave mm a iriendiv ki
He kissed ner again. Ana again
he diu noi sf :
Ai 10:20. Jones returned to her apartment
and called her inend.
he never used his name. Not once.
It was always “he’' or “him.” Never a
name.
She seemed strangely detached when
she first told her story. The attack sounded as if
it had happened to someone she knew, instead
of herself.
She was afraid of mirrors, as well.
While using the sink in tne bathroom lor
months after the attack, she stood over to the
side, refusing to look at her tace. It was some
thing that brought up too mam feelings, too
many memories.
Jones said she didn’t know why she did
those things. Her only explanation for her tear
ot mirrors is summed up in one word: ugimess
“I know I'm not ugly, but what he did to me
was," she said
“I can tell the ugliness isn't on the outside.
Other people don l see it, Out tne ugliness is still
inside me "
Sne looked up at tne ceiling and sighed.
"And it won't go away
Jones said she felt dirty, out-oi-place in her
own nody. as il sne never belonged where she
was Her bod\. trv as she might to den\ norsav
she diun t care, was no longer oniv ners. It was
ms. as wel.
Welcome to ner world
ro: more than a month afterward, jones
sunconsciouslv worried if sne were pregnan.
nut she reiuseo to snow i
one nao dfeen tested tor sexuain -transmitted
diseases ana Dregnancv tw ice. coining un nega
me or. an counts r>otn times out she nadTfe-.
doum- unn- ner cvcie imaiiv started at tne ere *
of Mac
tne money lor tne tests came irom June,
own nocke — her medicai coverage was paid
PV ner tamer, and sne did not w ant mm to Know
about tne tes.s.
“Three nundred dollars.’ sne said callously.
“That's how mucn it cost me. Just because
some guy wanted to f—k me."
The jaded, annoyed attitude returned every'
so often, masking the pain and tear that was
inside her head. At times it affected
every aspect of her thought pro
cess, making it difficult for her
to express herself clearly to
friends and family. 7
“It's not likewhat you see on TV." she said,
“i wasn’t attackea or forced down or beat up.
That's what 1 was trying to avoid. It s a decision
I'll have to live with tor the rest of my life, but
it's what I did.’’
Dealing with the actual experience when it
occurred never sounded as if it were a problem.
She simply ignored it as it was happening,
much as she sometimes ignores the feelings that
surface during the course of her day.
“It's like when your mind goes someplace,
where nothing can touch it.” she said. “You
focus on one thing — like a picture on the w'all
or something — and don’t take vour mind off of
it. That s what i did ”
“And I’ll remember what his bedpost looked
like for a long tim. ‘
the dress hung in Jones’ closet tor over a
month after the mcidem.
"It was mv tavonte outfit in the whole
world,” jones .said. “You wouldn’t be
lieve noY much 1 loved that thing. If
there w as only one thing in nn whole wardrobe
I could keep, it would ve been that aress '
But jones opened ner closet one aa\. nanaeo
the dress to her mother ana asked her to tnrow
it awa
. VI couldn i ever look at u anymore.” sne
said, "tverv time 1 saw it. no matter now much
i loved it. if brouunt tne pain bac...
Sne described the dress- a snort, pink skir.
with a tight-fitting mouse. A bit risque, sr
said but something sne reit attractive in, and
something she had received several compli
ments on
"1 hate pink.” she said, “but in this dress, 1
loved if.”
Jones stared at her shoes as she spoke. They
were brand-new white Vans low-tops, with lug
soles and rubber toe caps. Clumsy-looking on
their own, but petite and even elegant on her
dancer s feet.
“These shoes would’ve gone great with
them,” she said
She looked up a tear trying to squeeze its
way down hercheek. Her lips trembled slightly,
but the tears didn’t come. She wouldn't allow
them
“Neve- going to find out just how great now,
though.'
tor hours after the incident, Jones walked
nervously throughout her apartment,
knowing that he was only a few feet away
from her.
Sne aid not cry. She did not scream. She did
not shower.
She called her best friend.
[ones never said what she and her friend
talked about during that conversation. Chances
tr iones herself probably remembers very
attic oi v. hat was actually said, anyway.
The attitude of her friend, however, is a
memory oumed deep within her.
“She didn’t care,’’ Jones said. “She still
doesn't. Her whole attitude was, ‘Oh, well, just
forget aoout it.’
“She mst doesn't understand that I can’t do
that.”
Jones said she felt as if her friend was deny
ing that i was rape, believing the whole thing
was a terrible mistake.
That is a concept Jones indeed felt for the
first few nours.
“I was pacing back and forth, saving. ‘Oh
my Gog. on my God, 1 have jusi made me
biggest mistake of my life.”’ Jones said. “It
took me a long time to calm down and think
about it ana decide 1 wasn’t the one who did the
wrong thing."
unfortunately, no one ciose to Jones felt the
same wa\ at first, including the young woman
she had necome so close to.
Jones is suffering, and will continue to suf
fer lor a long time, in Jones’ eyes her mend
cannot deal with tnai suffering.
So now their friendship will suffer
“She doesn't want to hear it,' Jones said.
» “She wants me to get over it and be the same
“ person I was before, and I’m not going to be.
Not ever again.”
Her friend’s attitude is apparent. Instead of
pity or support for Jones, she offers only rage,
anger at her friend for making her a part of a
reality she doesn’t want to know' about.
She quit talking to her, quit going places
with her. She no longer wanted to be near Jones
when she needed someone to listen to her.
They are actions Jones regrets, but there is
notning she can do to change her friend
“I love her to death, but I can’t do anything.”
Jones said "This is the path she’s chosen, and
i can t let it change the way 1 have to deal with
thu ”
A month after the attack, in May, Jones’
triend left Lincoln for the summer Now. near
tbe lime of her return, she has on) v called twice,
has not written, nas barely asked how Jones is
doing
And for that apparent iack of concern. Jonet
is unset it is no! something she can chans.,
tnoueh. and even she admits she was not re
sponsive to anv concern ner trieno might nave
snow.
Sne is not willing to torsive her friend ,
anger and anathv anytime soon, but ror Jones
mere is a dub. aching teelinc. ano she knov s
wnv sne feels u.
"i miss her.’ sne said.
ti a mend s house, jones turned on the
radio and closed her eyes, it was a head
bobbing, hip-grinding beat, a remix of
some slightly popular Euro-oance song.
Sne stood in front of the stereo and swayed
back and forth slightly, moving in time to the
ByJoshua GillinicrEditor
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