Ayn Rand guy
Student tells about his curious personal ad
KEY TERMS TO KNOW FOR
THIS ARTICLE:
AYN RAND — 20th century female
philosopher, developed theory of
Objectivism, died in 1982, founder
of Ayn Rand Institute.
STROKING — happily rubbing, as
in an up and down motion.
PLATYPUS — endangered Austra
lian egg-laying mammal, serves no
purpose to mankind except is
considered a delicacy in rural
southern towns, only there, it’s .
known as a “Cocker Spaniel.”
If you’re like me, you read the
personal section in the Daily
Nebraskan every day, silently
praying that someone will proclaim
that you are “just a little more
attractive” than Don Rickies.
Reading the personals can
provide great enjoyment. You get to
delve into the lives of other people
without the slightest chance of them
knowing.
That’s why I always read, with
unbridled interest, every word the
Ayn Rand guy writes. His ads
seldom change, nonetheless, I read
and re-read them, clinging to every
letter.
I can’t be the only one who is
fascinated with this man and his ads.
He’s gotten a lot of attention lately,
not only from my columns, (I called
him a tortoise back in February) but
in the realm of verbal communica
tion as well.
Everywhere you go the questions
are the same. “Who is that Ayn Rand
guy?”, “What does he look like?”,
“Why is Steve Willey, whom I’ve
never met before, STROKING my
butt with a plunger?”
Like so many, I made fun of him
because I simply didn’t understand
him. Why couldn’t he attract a mate
the traditional way, by standing on
the front porch, wearing your
roommate’s bed sheets like a diaper
and singing the song “Me So
Homy?”
But soon, I became deeply
sympathetic. After all, he is perhaps
Steve Willey
“Everywhere you go
the questions are the
same. Who is that
Ayn Rand guy?’,
What does he look
like?’, Why is Steve
Willey, whom I’ve
never met before,
STROKING my butt
with a plunger?”’
the only man in the world whose
luck with women is substantially
worse than mine. (Editor’s note: It
was proved in a Nebraska court of
law that Steve has a better chance of
“Spontaneously giving birth to
PLATYPUSES” than of getting a
date.)
The Ayn Rand guy’s real name is
Ben and, at his request, I have
withheld his last name. (Ordinarily
given this scenario, I would try to
rhyme a word with his last name, but
I’ll be damned if I could think of
something that rhymed with
Swalteinbert.)
Over the years, Ben has spent
more than 150 dollars on his many
attempts to find a mate. It can’t be
just anyone mind you — Ben wants
“a woman w$io likgj§ Objectivism,
the philosophy of Ayn Rand.” (By
the way, “Ayn” is not pronounced
“Ann” but rather, “INE” as in
bovINE.”)
He has endured prank calls by the
hundreds. Most of the people hang
up, some are drunk and abusive.
Ben, a graduate student in philoso
phy here at UNL, just wants to find
a woman who is interested in Ayn
Rand’s philosophy. To date, Ben has
received few legitimate calls.
“One girl did respond,” Ben said
with a sigh. “But she already had a
boyfriend.”
Ben said he was aware that a lot
of people had never heard of Ayn
Rand. He is interested in anyone
who IS or CAN BECOME inter
ested in the philosophy.
According to Ben, it’s a simple
process that begins at the library.
“Her novels are both entertaining
and instructive,” Ben said. ‘That is
rare for philosophers.”
(The basic idea behind Objectiv
ism is that it is a philosophy for
living on earth. There are too many
details to get into, so if you want to
learn more, contact Ben.)
As a service to Ben and the
students, I asked a few questions
and am including Ben’s responses. I
think they tell a lot about the man
who is the Ayn Rand guy.
STEVE: “Hypothetical situation
here, what if you met a girl who was
smart, attractive, and most impor
tantly, an avid follower of Ayn
Rand’s philosophy. Her only
drawback — get this — she has
Mad Cow Disease?”
BEN: (11 minutes of awkward
silence)
STEVE: “Er-OK, have you ever
tried to spice up your ads by placing
the words ‘wealthy’ or ‘exotic’ in
the right places?”
BEN: Wealthy wouldn’t mean
anything to me. That’s really not
whom I’m trying to reach.
A classy statement from a classy
man. Now that you know a little
about the man behind the ads, I urge
all interested to please write him a
letter. His address is in the personal
section, and he deserves a friend or
potential mate who understands the
man he is, and the philosophy he
loves.
Willey is a junior ag-journalism major
and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
Eating etiquette
Common sense dictates use of utensils
Professor John E.L. Robertson
has raised an intriguing question
about the correct way to use a knife
and fork.
He asks: “Are you offended when
Hollywood insists on showing
people eating from the underside of
a fork?
“The good old Midwest fashion
of eating with the fork in right hand
except when carving is conspicu
ously absent.
“Instead, we are fed a plethora of
pictures showing knives welded to
right hands while forks rotate in the
left.
“As my grandfather, a second
generation Englishman, noted, ‘We
whipped the Brits twice to eat as we
wished, not as they deemed proper.”
Every day hundreds of millions
of people eat with knives and forks.
And I happen to disagree with the
professor’s view on how best to
wield a knife and fork.
I have long been part of the
American minority that keeps the
upside-down fork in the left hand
throughout a meal.
I do it because it is both logical
and labor-efficient. And it also
makes me feel like a sophisticated,
continental kind of guy. Unless
gravy drips on my tie.
Consider the way most Ameri
cans, such as the professor, wield a
knife and fork while eating the
cooked flesh of a dead beast.
Step one: With fork in left hand,
knife in right hand, the professor
cuts off a slice of food.
Step two: He puts down the knife
and transfers the fork from his left
hand to his right hand.
Step three: He spears the piece of
Mike Royko
“With the knife and
fork where logic
dictates they should
be, you can use the
knife to scoop sauce,
potatoes and other
stuff up on the fork ”
food with the fork and transfers it to
his mouth.
Step four: He transfers the fork
from his right hand back to his left
hand and picks up the knife with the
right hind.
All that wasted motion. Plus the
needless din of knives clanking
against plates between every bite.
And sauce dribbling off the knives
onto the tablecloths, which Can be
disgusting.
You would think that a professor
at so distinguished an institution as
the Paducah Community College
would recognize the inefficiency of
his technique.
Now, compare that laborious
process to the way sensible people
such as myself do it.
Step one: With fork in left hand
and knife in right hand, I slice off a
piece of meat.
Step two: With fork in left hand
and knife still in right hand, I stab
the piece of meat with the fork and
transfer it to my mouth.
That’s it. Two steps, except
picking the hunk of meat up in my
bare hands and gnawing off a hunk,
which I never do unless I’m dining
alone at home.
There are other advantages. With
the knife and fork where logic
dictates they should be, you can use
the knife to scoop sauce, potatoes
and other stuff up on the fork. This
allows you to get more food to your
mouth with fewer trips by the fork.
And by having the knife in your
right hand throughout the meal, you
are always prepared to defend
yourself and your food, should some
felon leap out of nowhere and try to
steal it. This has not yet happened to
me, but the way society is going,
you never know.
My efficient knife-and-fork
technique permits me to consume as
much food as the professor, who will
have wasted several months of his
life needlessly shifting the fork back
and forth, picking the knife up and
putting it down.
On his deathbed, the poor man
will probably cry out: “Where did all
the time go?” The sad answer will
be: “You squandered it juggling all
that silverware.”
More tomorrow, when the
nation’s top etiquette experts share
their views on this volatile issue.
(C) 1996 by the Chicago Tribune
Dole’s aloofness snubs
Californian supporters
SACRAMENTO — There was
a rumor going around Sacramento
on primary night that Dick
Morris, Bill Clinton’s re-election
strategist, was moonlighting for
Bob Dole in California.
What else could explain why
Dole chose to skip California on
Tuesday night and instead thank
the people who put him over the
top and clinched his nomination
by telephone from the Omni
Shoreham Hotel in Washington,
" D.C.?
California, more than any other
state in the union, thrives on
symbols, ceremonies and the
grand gesture. Dole not turning up
for his primary victory is the
political equivalent of Mel Gibson
accepting his Oscars by phoning
in his thanks.
Even Christopher Reeve
traveled 3,000 miles to utter a few
inspiring words from the Oscar
stage in Los Angeles. He too
could have phoned in his mes
sage.
Dole’s no-show left many
Californians feeling snubbed, as I
learned by talking with voters
who were part of a focus group
put together by KCRA-TV, the
NBC affiliate in Sacramento. “I
was bom and raised in California
— South Central to be exact,”
said Askia Abdulmajeed, ap
pointed by Gov. Wilson to the
Department of Alcohol and Drug
Programs. “The politicians who
cared for this state were the ones
who came and saw and responded
to what’s happening here. Dole
said tonight that he will fight for
every inch of California in
November. But he’s not here on
election day. It sends a very
negative message. Either the state
is being entirely taken for granted,
or a decision has been made that it
cannot be won.”
In their more candid moments,
Dole insiders talk of winning the
White House without carrying
California. The candidate said as
much himself: “I think the
Democrats have to have Califor
nia to win; I don’t think the
Republicans do.” In fact, only
three candidates in this century
went on to win the White House
while losing California — and all
three were Democrats: Jimmy
Carter, Jack Kennedy and
Woodrow Wilson.
There is further evidence —
other than Dole’s absence on
primary night — that a Clinton
mole has infiltrated the GOP
strategy team in California. What
else could account for the
decision to make the most
prominent photo op of Dole’s
three-day California swing a shot
of him outside San Quentin?
You can almost hear the mole:
“Our man’s got a dour image ... I
know — let’s send him to Death
Row to talk about executions.
That’ll show he cares and send
Californians a message of hope!”
i
Arianna Huffington
“There is further
evidence — other
than Dole's absence
on primary night —
that a Clinton mole
has infiltrated the
GOP strategy team
in California”
The same touch could be seen
in Dole’s charge that the president
had vetoed habeas corpus
legislation three times — a case
of bad opposition research that
cost the Dole campaign a day of
explanation and apology.
But the campaign coup of the
week was to have the San Quentin
visit coincide with a House
passed repeal of the ban on
assault weapons. Leaving aside
for the moment the pros and cons
of the ban, is repealing it a more
important legislative priority than
welfare reform, education reform
or tax reform?
Is there any wonder the GOP is
having a problem communicating
with women to the tune of an 18
point gender gap, according to the
latest NBC report?
At the Sacramento focus
group, one of the participants,
Carol Williams Bryant, told me
why she will be voting for
Clinton: “I raised an African
American son. I know that having
more prisons is not by itself going
to stop him from getting into
trouble. Yes, we need to
straighten out the justice system
so that everyone who deserves to
get punished gets punished, but
we also need strong families, role
models, schools where children
can really learn.”
If Dole is going to win
California, he has to bridge the
gender gap, which has grown
steadily from 5 points in 1992.
And he will not be able to make a
dent unless he starts addressing
Bryant’s concerns. If he does not,
there’s someone else who will:
Clinton is already targeting
women in one of his first cam
paign commercials.
Being tough on crime is only
half the message, and without the
other half — how we can prevent
the continuing rise of the super
predators, kids bonded to no one
with no respect for human life —
the message sounds superficial,
strident and fatally incomplete.
To win California, Bob Dole
must speak to its voters with more
than easy slogans — and defi
nitely not by long-distance
telephone.
(C) 1996 Creators Syndicate, Inc.
l
The Daily Nebraskan will present a
guest columnist each week. Writers
from the university and community
are welcome.
Must have strong writing skills and
something to say.
Contact Doug Peters c/o the Daily
Nebraskan, 34 Nebraska Union, 1400
R St., Lincoln, NE 68588, or e-mail at
letters@unlinfo.unl.edu.
Or by phone at (402) 472-1782.
♦
