The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, April 03, 1996, Page 5, Image 5
Ayn Rand guy Student tells about his curious personal ad KEY TERMS TO KNOW FOR THIS ARTICLE: AYN RAND — 20th century female philosopher, developed theory of Objectivism, died in 1982, founder of Ayn Rand Institute. STROKING — happily rubbing, as in an up and down motion. PLATYPUS — endangered Austra lian egg-laying mammal, serves no purpose to mankind except is considered a delicacy in rural southern towns, only there, it’s . known as a “Cocker Spaniel.” If you’re like me, you read the personal section in the Daily Nebraskan every day, silently praying that someone will proclaim that you are “just a little more attractive” than Don Rickies. Reading the personals can provide great enjoyment. You get to delve into the lives of other people without the slightest chance of them knowing. That’s why I always read, with unbridled interest, every word the Ayn Rand guy writes. His ads seldom change, nonetheless, I read and re-read them, clinging to every letter. I can’t be the only one who is fascinated with this man and his ads. He’s gotten a lot of attention lately, not only from my columns, (I called him a tortoise back in February) but in the realm of verbal communica tion as well. Everywhere you go the questions are the same. “Who is that Ayn Rand guy?”, “What does he look like?”, “Why is Steve Willey, whom I’ve never met before, STROKING my butt with a plunger?” Like so many, I made fun of him because I simply didn’t understand him. Why couldn’t he attract a mate the traditional way, by standing on the front porch, wearing your roommate’s bed sheets like a diaper and singing the song “Me So Homy?” But soon, I became deeply sympathetic. After all, he is perhaps Steve Willey “Everywhere you go the questions are the same. Who is that Ayn Rand guy?’, What does he look like?’, Why is Steve Willey, whom I’ve never met before, STROKING my butt with a plunger?”’ the only man in the world whose luck with women is substantially worse than mine. (Editor’s note: It was proved in a Nebraska court of law that Steve has a better chance of “Spontaneously giving birth to PLATYPUSES” than of getting a date.) The Ayn Rand guy’s real name is Ben and, at his request, I have withheld his last name. (Ordinarily given this scenario, I would try to rhyme a word with his last name, but I’ll be damned if I could think of something that rhymed with Swalteinbert.) Over the years, Ben has spent more than 150 dollars on his many attempts to find a mate. It can’t be just anyone mind you — Ben wants “a woman w$io likgj§ Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand.” (By the way, “Ayn” is not pronounced “Ann” but rather, “INE” as in bovINE.”) He has endured prank calls by the hundreds. Most of the people hang up, some are drunk and abusive. Ben, a graduate student in philoso phy here at UNL, just wants to find a woman who is interested in Ayn Rand’s philosophy. To date, Ben has received few legitimate calls. “One girl did respond,” Ben said with a sigh. “But she already had a boyfriend.” Ben said he was aware that a lot of people had never heard of Ayn Rand. He is interested in anyone who IS or CAN BECOME inter ested in the philosophy. According to Ben, it’s a simple process that begins at the library. “Her novels are both entertaining and instructive,” Ben said. ‘That is rare for philosophers.” (The basic idea behind Objectiv ism is that it is a philosophy for living on earth. There are too many details to get into, so if you want to learn more, contact Ben.) As a service to Ben and the students, I asked a few questions and am including Ben’s responses. I think they tell a lot about the man who is the Ayn Rand guy. STEVE: “Hypothetical situation here, what if you met a girl who was smart, attractive, and most impor tantly, an avid follower of Ayn Rand’s philosophy. Her only drawback — get this — she has Mad Cow Disease?” BEN: (11 minutes of awkward silence) STEVE: “Er-OK, have you ever tried to spice up your ads by placing the words ‘wealthy’ or ‘exotic’ in the right places?” BEN: Wealthy wouldn’t mean anything to me. That’s really not whom I’m trying to reach. A classy statement from a classy man. Now that you know a little about the man behind the ads, I urge all interested to please write him a letter. His address is in the personal section, and he deserves a friend or potential mate who understands the man he is, and the philosophy he loves. Willey is a junior ag-journalism major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. Eating etiquette Common sense dictates use of utensils Professor John E.L. Robertson has raised an intriguing question about the correct way to use a knife and fork. He asks: “Are you offended when Hollywood insists on showing people eating from the underside of a fork? “The good old Midwest fashion of eating with the fork in right hand except when carving is conspicu ously absent. “Instead, we are fed a plethora of pictures showing knives welded to right hands while forks rotate in the left. “As my grandfather, a second generation Englishman, noted, ‘We whipped the Brits twice to eat as we wished, not as they deemed proper.” Every day hundreds of millions of people eat with knives and forks. And I happen to disagree with the professor’s view on how best to wield a knife and fork. I have long been part of the American minority that keeps the upside-down fork in the left hand throughout a meal. I do it because it is both logical and labor-efficient. And it also makes me feel like a sophisticated, continental kind of guy. Unless gravy drips on my tie. Consider the way most Ameri cans, such as the professor, wield a knife and fork while eating the cooked flesh of a dead beast. Step one: With fork in left hand, knife in right hand, the professor cuts off a slice of food. Step two: He puts down the knife and transfers the fork from his left hand to his right hand. Step three: He spears the piece of Mike Royko “With the knife and fork where logic dictates they should be, you can use the knife to scoop sauce, potatoes and other stuff up on the fork ” food with the fork and transfers it to his mouth. Step four: He transfers the fork from his right hand back to his left hand and picks up the knife with the right hind. All that wasted motion. Plus the needless din of knives clanking against plates between every bite. And sauce dribbling off the knives onto the tablecloths, which Can be disgusting. You would think that a professor at so distinguished an institution as the Paducah Community College would recognize the inefficiency of his technique. Now, compare that laborious process to the way sensible people such as myself do it. Step one: With fork in left hand and knife in right hand, I slice off a piece of meat. Step two: With fork in left hand and knife still in right hand, I stab the piece of meat with the fork and transfer it to my mouth. That’s it. Two steps, except picking the hunk of meat up in my bare hands and gnawing off a hunk, which I never do unless I’m dining alone at home. There are other advantages. With the knife and fork where logic dictates they should be, you can use the knife to scoop sauce, potatoes and other stuff up on the fork. This allows you to get more food to your mouth with fewer trips by the fork. And by having the knife in your right hand throughout the meal, you are always prepared to defend yourself and your food, should some felon leap out of nowhere and try to steal it. This has not yet happened to me, but the way society is going, you never know. My efficient knife-and-fork technique permits me to consume as much food as the professor, who will have wasted several months of his life needlessly shifting the fork back and forth, picking the knife up and putting it down. On his deathbed, the poor man will probably cry out: “Where did all the time go?” The sad answer will be: “You squandered it juggling all that silverware.” More tomorrow, when the nation’s top etiquette experts share their views on this volatile issue. (C) 1996 by the Chicago Tribune Dole’s aloofness snubs Californian supporters SACRAMENTO — There was a rumor going around Sacramento on primary night that Dick Morris, Bill Clinton’s re-election strategist, was moonlighting for Bob Dole in California. What else could explain why Dole chose to skip California on Tuesday night and instead thank the people who put him over the top and clinched his nomination by telephone from the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington, " D.C.? California, more than any other state in the union, thrives on symbols, ceremonies and the grand gesture. Dole not turning up for his primary victory is the political equivalent of Mel Gibson accepting his Oscars by phoning in his thanks. Even Christopher Reeve traveled 3,000 miles to utter a few inspiring words from the Oscar stage in Los Angeles. He too could have phoned in his mes sage. Dole’s no-show left many Californians feeling snubbed, as I learned by talking with voters who were part of a focus group put together by KCRA-TV, the NBC affiliate in Sacramento. “I was bom and raised in California — South Central to be exact,” said Askia Abdulmajeed, ap pointed by Gov. Wilson to the Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs. “The politicians who cared for this state were the ones who came and saw and responded to what’s happening here. Dole said tonight that he will fight for every inch of California in November. But he’s not here on election day. It sends a very negative message. Either the state is being entirely taken for granted, or a decision has been made that it cannot be won.” In their more candid moments, Dole insiders talk of winning the White House without carrying California. The candidate said as much himself: “I think the Democrats have to have Califor nia to win; I don’t think the Republicans do.” In fact, only three candidates in this century went on to win the White House while losing California — and all three were Democrats: Jimmy Carter, Jack Kennedy and Woodrow Wilson. There is further evidence — other than Dole’s absence on primary night — that a Clinton mole has infiltrated the GOP strategy team in California. What else could account for the decision to make the most prominent photo op of Dole’s three-day California swing a shot of him outside San Quentin? You can almost hear the mole: “Our man’s got a dour image ... I know — let’s send him to Death Row to talk about executions. That’ll show he cares and send Californians a message of hope!” i Arianna Huffington “There is further evidence — other than Dole's absence on primary night — that a Clinton mole has infiltrated the GOP strategy team in California” The same touch could be seen in Dole’s charge that the president had vetoed habeas corpus legislation three times — a case of bad opposition research that cost the Dole campaign a day of explanation and apology. But the campaign coup of the week was to have the San Quentin visit coincide with a House passed repeal of the ban on assault weapons. Leaving aside for the moment the pros and cons of the ban, is repealing it a more important legislative priority than welfare reform, education reform or tax reform? Is there any wonder the GOP is having a problem communicating with women to the tune of an 18 point gender gap, according to the latest NBC report? At the Sacramento focus group, one of the participants, Carol Williams Bryant, told me why she will be voting for Clinton: “I raised an African American son. I know that having more prisons is not by itself going to stop him from getting into trouble. Yes, we need to straighten out the justice system so that everyone who deserves to get punished gets punished, but we also need strong families, role models, schools where children can really learn.” If Dole is going to win California, he has to bridge the gender gap, which has grown steadily from 5 points in 1992. And he will not be able to make a dent unless he starts addressing Bryant’s concerns. If he does not, there’s someone else who will: Clinton is already targeting women in one of his first cam paign commercials. Being tough on crime is only half the message, and without the other half — how we can prevent the continuing rise of the super predators, kids bonded to no one with no respect for human life — the message sounds superficial, strident and fatally incomplete. To win California, Bob Dole must speak to its voters with more than easy slogans — and defi nitely not by long-distance telephone. (C) 1996 Creators Syndicate, Inc. l The Daily Nebraskan will present a guest columnist each week. Writers from the university and community are welcome. Must have strong writing skills and something to say. Contact Doug Peters c/o the Daily Nebraskan, 34 Nebraska Union, 1400 R St., Lincoln, NE 68588, or e-mail at letters@unlinfo.unl.edu. Or by phone at (402) 472-1782. ♦