Arts ©Entertainment
Tuesday, April 2, 1996 Page 9
Good taste
best choice
on Internet
Ah... the Internet. Gosh, how 1 love
to spend hours, days and weeks pour
ing over Web pages and newsgroups
for tidbits of information and humor.
The other day I was perusing some
movie-related newsgroups, and I saw
something that made me rethink my
place in the universe.
This guy, who posted under the
name “Bruce Lee” was asking some
questions relating to love stories. Well,
I wouldn’t actually say love stories;
they were more love scenes.
He called his posting “Popping a
boner: Arc sex scenes real?”
He seriously wanted to know if
love scenes in R-rated movies were
real.
He said, and I quote, “How can
bump and grinding go on and there
(sic) not be penetration? Is it trick
angles?”
He went on to ask about body suits
and the like.
But, ladies and gentlemen, the ic
ing on the cake was his last question—
“How do you keep from popping a
boner when you do the love scenes?”
Ladies and gentlemen, just think...
this could be the next step in the evo
lutionary ladder, (shudder)
Friends, I’m not a big fan of cen
sorship in any form, but this man
needs to be stopped. Dead or alive!
It’s people like this who give the
Internet a bad name. It’s people like
this who our esteemed Sen. Exon is
trying to protect children from.
Speaking of children, has anyone
else stopped to think that this man
might reproduce? (double shudder)
Ladies and gentlemen, this
newsgroup posting provides me with
the perfect opportunity to teach some
newsgroup etiquette.
1) If you arc going to post to a
newsgroup, make sure you have some
thing intelligent to say. Also, try to
make sure it’s the right newsgroup.
Don’t post a question about Pamela
Anderson’s latest breast implants in
the rcc.arts.disncy newsgroup. And
vice versa, don’t post a question about
Minnie Mouse’s latest breast implants
in the rcc.nude.PamelaAnderson
newsgroup.
A) ii someone posts sometmng stu
pid, like our good friend “Bruce Lee”
did, get medieval and flame the crap
out of his weenie gluteus maximus!
A flame, for those who don’t know,
is really insulting and rude e-mail sent
to the person. Its sole purpose is to
make the person feel so bad about his
life that he has no choice but to slash
his wrists as he jumps off of a 10-story
building.
3) Please try to be polite with your
posting. And your flames. It’s much
more effective to post/flame someone
if you don’t reduce yourself to mind
less vulgarities. Besides, it’s more fun
to sound smarter than everyone else.
4) Never, ever mention lemmings.
I’m not sure why, but it sounded good.
The same goes for the word albatross
and Belgium. Also Sweden. It makes
you sound silly.
There you have some basic and
helpful rules of etiquette. Don’t be like
“Bruce.” Please follow them to the
max, or I might have to flame you!'
And believe me, I will...
Priesman is a freshman news-editorial
and theater major and a Daily Nebraskan
staff reporter.
Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures
Steve Martin stars as the title character in the film version of
Phil Silvers’ television sitcom, “Sgt. Bilko.”
■"*' r * I
Martin sells audience
short in Sgt. Bilko
By Patrick Hambrecht
Film Critic
f
In the ’80s, lousy comedies like
“Porky’s” or “Hollywood Hot Tubs”
unscrupulously
Mnvip targeted teen
iiiwwic agers Wlth cheap
Review sex gags and hip
rock soundtracks.
Today, rotten
comedies like
Steve Martin’s
“Sgt. Bilko” arc
geared to exploit
uuuy w miners in
a similar fashion —■- with boring
stars, nostalgic ’50s soundtracks and
lots of bland family fun.
At least with “Hollywood Hot
Tubs,” sitting through the whole
thing guaranteed you’d get to sec
someone naked. No one is naked in
“Sgt. Bilko,” including Martin.
Instead Martin has given us yet
another Hollywood adaptation of a
1950s sitcom, designed to cash in
on the decaying standards of the 40
ycar-old set. He plays Bilko, a swin
dler in the army who has rigged his
military base as a covert gambling
casino. But when Bilko meets up
with the honest man whom he
framed, the card cheat comes to
terms with his past by ... framing
him again. How’s that for a plot?
What used to be filler gags for
Martin have bccome-his selling
points in this movie, as the former
stage genius stutters without conso
nant and jerks his pelvis around in
strange new ways.
Film: “Sgt. Bilko”
Stars: Steve Martin, Dan
Aykroyd, Phil Hartman
Director: Jonathan Lynn
Rating: PG
Grade: C
Five Words: What was Steve
Martin thinking?
©
Phil Hartman plays the same
emotionless and melodramatic char
acter he always does, as Bilko’s
moral enemy, Major Thorn. Dan
Aykroyd was wasted in his role as
the swindler’s superior officer. Col.
Hall, but he was probably respon
sible for the film’s lame soundtrack,
consisting of the same radio-cliched
soul music he uses in all his movies.
Glcnnc Hcadly, as Bilko’s girl
friend, is also boring.
The best thing that can be said
ibout“Sgt. Bilko” is that it isn’t “Fa
hcr of the Bride.” But it seems to
suggest, along with Martin’s most
‘cccnt “Saturday Night Live” ap
pearances and other films, that the
former stadium comedian has lost
lis spark. Why someone as smart as
Martin allowed his razor instincts for
irony and absurdity to be poisoned
by Hollywood, no one knows.
Perhaps by playing con men in
both this movie and “Leap of Faith,”
he’s trying to let us know that he.
See BILKO on 10
i
P.O. Pears to buzz for a spell
By Gerry Beltz
Senior Reporter
Do you spell “imbrication" with
an ‘i’ or an ‘e?’ Is there more than
one ‘s’ in ‘scissors?’
Such questions have been the
makers and breakers in past spell
ing bees, and tonight’s 13th Annual
Adult Spelling Bee should be no dif
ferent.
Again, this year’s Adult Spelling
Bee will be led by Scott Young of
KFOR-AM radio and will be held
at P.O. Pears.^22 S. Ninth St.. Start
time is 7 p.m.
Barbara Hansen, administrative
aide at Bennet Martin Public Librar
ies, said other words that have made
the difference in the past have in
cluded ensemble, sapience and ma
linger.
“It’s amazing what some of these
people can spell,” she said.
The words to test contestants are
chosen by a committee that goes
through the dictionary, she said.
“We don’t use the same words ev
ery year,” she said.
Hansen said, as of Monday after
noon, about 15 people had signed
on for the contest, but that the sign
up rarely stopped there.
“It’s a little less than usual,” she
said, “but it’s not at all unusual for
there to be a lot of last-minute
people.”
The winners of the contest have
not always been of the same demo
graphics, either, she said.
“A real mix of people have won
it,” she said. “We’ve had editors for
University Press, sometimes a high
school teacher or retired business
man. One year it was jewelry maker.
“Some people just have a knack
for spelling.”
The winner of the Adult Spelling
Bee will receive an unabridged dic
tionary, donated by Nebraska Book
store, while Lee Booksellers will
contribute the runner-up and booby
prizes, she said.
“The booby prize is usually a
kid’s dictionary,” she said, “given to
the first person who misspells a
word.”
This annual event is once again
sponsored by the Nebraska Literary
Heritage Association and will ben
efit the Heritage Room of Lincoln
City Libraries.
- “The proceeds support the Heri
tage Room of Nebraska Authors,”
she said. “It’s all for a good cause.”
Although the registration dead
line has passed, spectators may at
tend for $5. For additional informa
tion, contact the Heritage Room at
402-441-8516.
Video releases offer variety
By Gerry Beltz
Film Critic
\ '
Ah. A nice, calm week for the
new releases. A soft blend of adven
-iture, suspense,
New Video drama and ani
m Raloaco mation wafts
m ne,ea5e down the gentle
surf, followed by
a wonderful com
edy-drama that is
our pick of the
week. Lie back
and enjoy.
“Balto”(G)—
An animated
non-Disney film that never stood a
chance. Too bad, because it’s actu
ally pretty good.
Balto (voice of Kevin Bacon) is
a half-coyote, half-husky that must
lead a team of dogs across an icy
tundra to save his village from a
plague of dispatcher. Other voices
include Bridget Fonda, Bob Hoskins
and Brendan Fraser.
Based cm a true story, it’s worth
looking into.
“Home for the Holidays” (PG)—
With Easter coming up, this film
would be perfect, even though it
takes place at Thanksgiving.
Holly Hunter plays a woman who
must deal with the entire family
coming together to celebrate the
holiday. And with the turkey and
dressing come the arguments.
Co-stars include Charles
Duming, Anne Bancroft and Steve
Guttenburg. It’s not just a comedy,
but a drama as well. Again, it’s worth
checking out.
“Devil in a Blue Dress” (R) —
Denzel Washington gets hip-deep in
trouble when he gets involved in the
search for a mysterious woman.
Set in pjost-WWII Los Angeles,
Easy Rawlins (Washington) is hired
by Dewitt Albright (Tom Sizemore)
to find a mysterious woman in a blue
dress (Jennifer Beals). But soon,
Easy finds himself up to his eyeballs
in murder, racism and political cor
ruption.
The direction of the film is ex
cellent, and Sizemore’s performance
is absolutely outstanding. This one
is definitely worth looking for.
“Strange Days” (R) —This is the
odd one of the bunch, or more ap
See NEWVID on 10
Renowned
performer
in concert
By Cliff Hicks
Staff Reporter
When classical pianist Vladimir
Feltsman takes the stage at the Lied
Center tonight, Jcth Mill is pretty
sure audiences will be pleased.
“This is what classical music is
i-=^=^=n all about,” said
Mill, execu
tive director of
the Lincoln
Orchestra As
sociation.
lonight s
concert is an
phony, featur
ing Feltsman, an internationally ac
claimed pianist, as guest soloist.
“He’s one of the best pianists of
his generation," Mill said.
Feltsman was born in Moscow in
1952, making his public debut as a
solo pianist at the age of 12. He im
mediately gained respect in the
U.S.S.R. and performed with all of
the country’s major orchestras and
at all of the music festivals.
In 1979, Feltsman announced his
intentions to leave the Soviet Union.
The next eight years were mostly
spent trying to emigrate to Israel, but
he failed in his attempts to do so.
During this period, his musical ca
reer was severely curtailed.
After much struggle, Feltsman
was granted permission to leave the
Soviet Union and came to the United
States during the summer of 1987.
See FELTSMAN on 10
