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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1996)
Clot Continued from Page 16 complete faith in Gagmehard.l know they would not have let me play if they thought my health was in danger" A similar cranial amputation was performed successfully in 1993 on Cornhustler basketball player Mikcy Eatmorc. Few side-effects resulted from Eatmorc’s operation. Gagmchard said there was not much risk when the surgery was per formed on Eatmorc. “We figured that procedure was pretty low-risk” Gagmchard said. “After the operation, his work in the classroom actually improved and he still couldn’t box out." The Hustler Sports Misinformation department said Clot would have a press conference soon to discuss hav ing his head removed. But the media will be allowed to ask football-only questions. Strikelane picks bowling over hoops From Stuff That We Made Up Former Nebraska basketball player Erick Strikelane has announced that he will not enter the NBA draft later this spring. Strikelane said he would instead opt to join the Professional Bowling As sociation circuit. Two years ago this week, the Daily Harrassment exposed Strikelane’s passion for bowling. “Forget baseball,” Strikelane said “Forget basketball. I was even think ing about playing some football in the fall. But I have now decided to con centrate solely on my bowling.” Cornhustler basketball coach Dan Knee shook his head in amazement when told that Strikelane — who last week was named the MVP of the Not good enough to be Invited to the NCAA Tournament — would become a pro bowler. Petthis Continued from Page 16 of their sorry asses. If that had happened, I would have strung them up from their necks in the arena’s restroom.’’ On the bus ride back to the team hotel, the team discussed which warm-up uniforms it would wear while playing in the Final Four. One team member wanted to wear black and white warm-ups, which were dirty after the Humpcrs’ regional final win over UCLA the prior week. An other voted for the red warm ups, which the Humpcrs had not dawned once during the NCAA Tourney. Moron advised the Hustlers to go with black and white warm-ups for superstitious rea sons. Walkalot butted in,calling Moron’s endorsement “asanine.” At that point, Petthis flipped his lid, ordering the three to the front of the bus, and demanding that they shut up for the remain der of the ride back to the hotel. The team ended up wearing the black and white uniforms. Petthis said he would no longer grant interviews to the DH reporters after practice. He cannot, however, ban them from attending matches. “We’re still going to go cover the team,” Skrap said. “Person ally, I think Petthis is a friggin’ jerk. We were just trying to get a free meal, and the next thing you know, he’s trying to boot our asses out of a moving bus.” In a related note, Skrap was nearly arrested the night after the team won the championship for contributing to the dcliquency of several minors. Daily Harassment Betting line ^«p—■H— Hiwni M * 1 NU MEN'S BB TEAM 2 Llickin rec league champs SEINFELD 3 Friends Miliiilil\J5-g 6 1-' KENTPAVELKA Boxers 7 BRIEFS WMMMMBi iai,1il*^AWtow AWWden tom Hospital food 4 AIRPLANE FOOD «MMi—M—I—mpw M 1 111 IRA pick’em Hamas Home team in ail cap« '_■ - •; a9 • Boom!, L’il Red goes down By Greg Madman Staff Scrub In a sad display of sportsmanship right here on the NUL campus, be loved mascot L’il Red exploded Fri day night at the celebration for the 1996 NIT champion Comhustlcr bas ketball team. As the 18 fans in attendance chanted “We’re number 65! We’re number 65!,” another deafening sound filled the air at the Boob My Fanny Sports Center — the sound of a dying mascot. Campus police suspect foul play, and have already taken a suspect into custody. Rodic the Racehorse, the funy mas cot of the Omaha Racers, is believed to be the one responsible for the vio lent explosion. Rodie apparently had been insanely jealous ever of L’il Red since seeing the blown-up mascot stand on his head during a Comhustlcr football game. i he head-standing routine has been a crowd pleaser for Hustler fans all season. “I could have done that, too," Rodic said of the tricky manuever. “Those idiots just didn’t give me the chance. I used to be a fan favorite, but now all the kids laugh at me and throw pop corn because I don’t stand on my head." - The chance to destroy L’il Red was one that Rodic said he could not pass up. He said he simply inserted his Alberto 500 hairdryer into the air-in take valve of L’il Red, and soon there after the big guy went boom. “Rodic’s a friggin’jerk,” said Hus tler yell squad and mascot sponsor Raining Shorts, who was crying un controllably as the final gasps of air squirted out of L’il Red. “He tried out to be L’il Red last year, but he just couldn’t cut it. Face it, the horse is way out of shape." Rodic said he was told at this year’s mascot tryouts that he had “outgrown" the costume, and that NUL freshman Stanley T. Ibis was more qualified to play the part. Ibis, a Miami native and member of the Cornhustlcr diving team, was apparently unharmed in the accident. But authorities have been unable to locate Ibis. Rovert Skrap/DN Nebraska mascot L’il Red performs one of his final acts before being murdered Friday by a deranged fellow mascot. Sources have told the Daily Harrassmcnt that Ibis was seen flee ing the My Fanny Center in a stock trailor with lisccnsc plates that read, “Ralphie” Nebraska pathetic director Bill Burned said he was stunned. But he said no plans would be made to replace the mascot. “How much money will that cost to fix?” Burned was heard screaming moments after the explosion. At the volleyball Final Four in Amherst, Mass., in December, L’il Red's antics caused the Stanford Tree to bow down in amazement. And at the Not good enough to be Invited to the NCAA Tournament at Madisons Squared Gardens last week, former St. John’s basketball coach Lou Carnisexa was asphyxiated by L’il Red’s performance. “It was one of the most disgusting displays of stupidity and dumb luck that I’ve ever seen,” said when asked about what he thought about the situa tion at the NIT. “Oh, and it’s a shame about L’il Red, too.” Hustlers play friggin’ patsies ay Hovert SKrap Hoops beat boy The Nebraska basketball team has built a schedule for next season that will almost guarantee it a spot in the NCAA Tournament. After his team won the Not good enough to get Invited to the NCAA Tournament championship, Cornhustlcr coach Dan Knee an nounced a power-packed schedule for the 1996-97 season. That schedule features: Exhibitions against the Melvin Brooks Traveling All-stars and a game against the Nebraska State Peniten tiary Rec team. A noncoference schedule against Craven Morchead State, Oglethorpe, a bus trip to Alaska-Anchoragc, Saddleback Apprentice School, Cav alry Bible College, Northwest College of Assemblies of God, Grand Canyon, John Jay College of Criminal Justice, Presbyterian, Pillsbury, Juanita Col lege, Slippery Rock and St. Louis College of Pharmacy. Then the Comhustlcrs begin play in the new Big 12 unfortunately. Knee said. 7 want to play games against big-time losers every time we set foot on the court. rIhat way, we’ll never lose nine in a row again. ” DAN KNEE Hustler basketball coach “It’s really tew damn bad that we have to play Texas Tech next season,” Knee said. “I mean, I figured out all of our problems this year. We were cruising along and then we started playing good teams. I want to play games against big-time losers every time we set foot on the court. That way, we’ll never lose nine in a row.” When asked by another basketball beat boy, Leigh Barfneck, why only two of the nonconfercncc games were on the road, Knee instantly became upset. “You’re insinuating we have a problem at home,” Knee said. “We don’t have a friggin problem at home. The friggin people arc booing our players and not liking Delaware State and all the snotsuckcrs we brought in here. I don’t give a damn what they want." So Knee went our and created the easiest schedule in the country. The road games include a bus trip to North west College of Assemblies of God, which is located in Washington, with a continued trek to Alaska-Anchorage. Knee explained that Nebraska could not fly because the school spent to much money on the unimportant Not good enough to get Invited to the NCAA Tournament. Knee wasn’t even sure of the con ferences in which some of these teams played. “Pillsbury has a big banger called the Doughboy" Knee said. “Grand Canyon offers the biggest basket to shoot in the United States.
