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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1996)
Snorts Monday, April 1,1996 Page 16 Gordon Summers Knee, Ozzy Petthis all stay, yeah! I am tired of all those mean col umnists giving Dan Knee and his Cornhustlcr boys such a rough time this year. Can’t everybody sec that they arc trying hard? Knee is a great coach. I cheered for him all the way through the 63 gamc losing streak. Sure, he says dumb stuff sometimes, acts like a jackass and pretends he can’t coach a lick. But darnit, I love him, and I don’t want to sec him go. Dan, please stay. I know that the Not good enough to get Invited to the NCAA Tournament title has all the big-name schools beating down your door. Be a big man, Dan. Don’t bail out. And what s all this talk about some of our Hustlers leaving Lickin’ to go to other schools? I don’t buy it for a second. Why would they ever want to do such a crazy thing? Comhustlcr basketball is great. There is no other place in the country where you can whip up on Helpless State, finish seventh in your league and still have a celebra tion at the end of the season? I love Tom Ozzybonc. I think the Comhustlcr football team is the best ever. I wish they would have played the Dallas Cowboys this year. The Hustlers would have won big. Ozzybonc’s boys arc going to win the national title again this year and next year and the year after. We’ve got the best players in the world — like Jared Toomuch (by the way, his spell-check name is Jared Tomato. Isn’t that just the neatest thing?) i sun can i ociicvc tnat lommic Clot didn’t win the Highsman Tro phy last season. That was such a disgusting injustice. And how about that Hustler vol leyball tcam?They won the national title, too. I went to two of their matches last season, and I just know the Hustlers were the best college volleyball team ever. Terry Petthis is such a great guy, even though he can be a little grumpy and mean every once in a while. But 1 love him anyway. We’ve got the best university in the world right here in Lickin. Next year, I think every Hustler team is going to win the national title, even the sucky Hustler baseball boys. Summers Is a fun-loving, all-around nice guy and a special contributor to the Dally Harrassment Juan Dollar/DH Former Nebraska quarterback Tommie Clot recently had his head removed in an attempt to stop recent medical problems. The experimental surgery is not expected to hurt Clot’s NFL draft status. Head in hand Clot begins pro career By Tardy Walkalot' Staff Smartass Dr. Dccpthroat Gagmchard has announced that an experimental am putation of the head has been per formed on former Comhustlcr quar terback Tommie Clot. “If we amputate the patient’s head,” Gagmchard said, “we don’t think the clots in the leg will be a problem any more, but we’re a little worried about him dropping in the draft.” Clot’s head will be placed on his left hand. This tactic could possibly allow him to become a better quarter back, Gagmchard said. He will now be able to raise his arm into the air in order to sec over the top of the offen sive line. National Football League draft ex pert Hell Sniper, Jr. said Clot’s status in the draft was already weak, and the surgery should not affect him. “He’s from Nebraska, right?” Sniper said. “I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if he threw for 50 touchdowns last year, if he’s a Comhustlcr, he’s worth less. I still can’t believe the New Joke Pets wasted a pick on Johnny Missile in 1991.” Nebraska pathetic director Bill Burned said he was concerned about the condition of his quarterback. “I hope we can get this taken care of before this fall,” Burned said. “What do you mean he’s out of eligibility?” Clot said he was a little concerned about the medical procedure, but fig ured the Hustlers would not lead him into any situation that would be haz ardous to his health. “I’m sure that my health is their main concern, and not how many foot ball games we win,” Clot said. “I have See Clot on next page Reporters banned from volleyball By Mister Charmin Snorts Ejector Cornhustlcr volleyball coach Terry Petthis has vowed to ban Daily Harrassment reporters from covering all volleyball practices next fall. In a move reminiscent of football coach Tom Ozzybomc. Petthis, who won his first national title in Decem ber, claimed that the DH reporters went “over the edge” by attending a lobster feast with the team while in Amherst, Mass., at the Final Four. The guilty DH reporters. Mister Charmin, Rovert Skrap and Tardy Walkalot, mysteriously appeared at the team hotel on the evening of Dee. 13. Along with KLEIN’s radio-juice boy John Sailor, the three reporters trav eled to Chez Josef with Petthis and the team. Apparently while at the feast, Walkalot embarrassed the entire Hus tler party by belching loudly and heav ing on the chef. Petthis said the renort crs were not invited to the banquet, which honored the Final Four teams on the night before the semifinal matches. Nebraska Sports Misinformation official K. Gump said he didn’t un derstand how the reporters crashed the team-only event. “I don’t no what’s up, y’all,” Gump said. “I looked back and those three bozos were on the bus. I tried to scam them out of 35 bucks, but they were a little too quick.” While at the banquet, Charmin, Skrap and Walkalot sat at a table with Hurnper associate athletic director Barbie Scribner, Sailor, volunteer as sistant coach Doug East and some lady from the SEC. “It was great,” Skrap said. “We had 1 1/2 pound lobsters for free and saw Petthis wear a bib. What more could you ask for?” The coach was not amused. “They nearly destroyed our team See Petthis on next page Biscotti Brewin’/DN Nebraska volleyball coach Terry Petthis, upset by the antics of DH reporters at the Final Four, will not grant any more interviews to the newspaper.
