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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1996)
Travels Hiking/DH Protesters amass by the hundreds outside the NUL No Parking Services trial in The Netherlands. Meter maids on trial *8 for heinous crimes By Ten Layers Senior Lazy-Asses THE HAGUE — NUL Director of No-Parking Services, Tub McTowcll and 26 members of his secret parking police sat silent Sunday as charges were formally filed against them in The Hague, The Netherlands, The international tribunal prosecut ing McTowcll has filed a myriad of charges against him, including: • psychological torment of stu dents • illegal search, seizure and tow ing • coercing employees into illegal • nickel and dime-ing students to death • not washing his hands after us ing the restroom • voyeurism • using the wrong fork When Judge Vance Tito read the list of war crimes filed against McTowcll and his cronies, some members of the jury and members of the audience be gan to vomit out of disgust, “Mr. McTowcll,” Tito said, “You are charged with crimes so heinous, so awful, that we have no formal term used to describe them. These arc crimes against humanity, crimes against the innocent, crimes against these poor students!!!” Tito then rubbed his hands together and laughed like Vincent Price before telling McTowcll of the sentence he would face if found guilty. “If convicted, you will be forced to come to campus at 10:30 a.m. and find a parking space within two hun dred miles. “This is an outrage,” McTowell said (in his native German) while stroking the thin black mustache covering his upper lip.“Zict Abgelaufen heisst zeit abgelaufen!!! (Translated: “Time ex pired means TIME EXPIRED!!!”) The courtroom jumped as McTowcll pounded his fist against the table. Defense attorney Johnnie Cock roach, fresh from his victory in the Bart Simpson murder trial used one of his old tricks early in the day. The beat was up tempo and those in attendance said it was very easy to dance to. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...this case is simple...you see the evidence, you see my clients. Do they l(K>k like tyrants? No, they were just carrying out orders,” he sung softly to a gospel choir in the audience. Cockroach centered his argument on the need for NUL No-Parking Ser vices to tow automobiles. “When you begin deliberations, you have to tell yourself this... If time expires... you must acquire.” He spun around, gave a quick “Amen!” and sat next to his clients. Prosecuting attorney Mushy Clarke, carefully picking through her new chia pet perm, gave a wink and a nod to her partner Krisstopher Krosstopher Garden before her open ing statements. “Isn’t it true that failing to pay parking meters or tick ets is just merely part of human na ture?” she asked the jury. “Then all these students were doing was follow ing their nature as human animals.” LickinLcg Towing released a state ment early today saying they would testify for McTowcll. “If it wasn’t for our fearless leader, Mr. McTowcll, who we arc forever loyal to, we would be on the streets raping women and beating children. Instead, we get to do the next best thing: watch students cry like little children who just had a piece of candy taken away,” the statement read. “When we tow the only mode of transportation they have—and charge them $30 bucks to get it back — what joy that brings us!” After the first day of the trial, McTowell was seen in his cell writing tickets for cars parked illegally in Lickin. “I have people EVERY WHERE!!!,” he screamed. “You can run, but you cannot hide. And if I have my way, you will not drive either!” The trial is expected to last forever, or as long as students can afford to attend NUL. - - Sternbug rants, raves Editor's note: Why are we writing a story that has nothing to do with the university and is of no interest to students? None of your friggin' business. We really don’t care what you think. Stories with politicians make much better resume material than those with stupid university administrators, anyway. I never used to beso self-serving, but Journal ism has done this to me. 1 think I'm going to cry. By Dog Pecker Onion Page Erector Attorney General Dumb Stcmbug said Sunday his office was investigat mg the legal and moral status of poli tics initiated by Gov. Bent Nylons. Sternbug said Nylons, his likely opponent in the up coming U.S. Sinnatc race, had repeatedly broken the laws of the land Sternbug and “the trust of Nebraska voters” during his time in office. “Nylons Administration policies,” he said, “can be directly linked to the rcemcrgcnce of tuberculosis as a ma jor killer in this country, the ongoing unrest in the Balkans, mad-cow dis ease, the disappearance of socks in America’s dryers, Michael Bolton, carpal-tunnel syndrome, protruding cars, most fungal infestations, teen pregnancy, the designated hitter, the worldwide population explosion, "This is just another example of Nylons administration policy that is detrimental to humanity in general, and the fabric of Nebraskan society in particular. ” DUMB STERN BUG Attorney General drought, famine, obesity, overuse of the phrase ‘you know’, Uxith decay, irregular bowel movements, cauli flower car, ingrown toenails, the Okla homa City bombing, low-fat potato chips, air pollution, most industrial accidents, the impending extinction of several species of fish and small birds, laboratory experiments on helpless animals, parking tickets, most types of cancer and various venereal dis eases, comedian ‘Carrot Top’, global warming, midget wrestling, and, last but not least, the 1887 flood of China’s Huang He River, which killed 900,000.” When asked by reporters to explain his accusations, Sternbug scratched himself tenderly for a moment, leaped to the top of his desk, and shouted: “Nebraskans need a Reagan Republi can in the Sinnatc, not a Clinton Democrat!” A spokesperson for the governor objected to Sternbug’s accusations, stating: “Governor Nylons had noth ing to do with that flood thingy” Sternbug later accused Nylons of sneaking into Nebraskans’ bedrooms and implanting mind-control micro chips in their brains. “That Nylons even got to me,” he said, “I found one of the little buggers in my head last week, but I’m one step ahead — I had that part of my brain removed the next day, and now I’m completely normal.” At that, the attorney general hocked a loogic straight up, caught it in his mouth and laughed gleefully while doing a quick country jig. Observers smiled and agreed that this, in fact, was perfectly normal behavior for Sternbug. “This,” Sternbug hollered, spittle flying from his lips, “is just another example of Nylons administration policy that is detrimental to humanity in general, and the fabric of Nebras kan society in particular.” For emphasis, Sternbug punctu ated his statement by pumping his fist during a prolonged round of flatu lence. Sternbug concluded the press con ference by announcing that he nd longer would be called Dumb Sternbug. Instead, Sternbug said, he has taken as his name an unpronouncablc symbol that re sembles a large fishhook piercing a crushed squirrel. He will now be called only “The Attorney General Formerly Known As Dumb Sternbug,” he said. Burned sells campus to advertisers; football season may be cancelled By I. Wear Hanes and Mute Fate The New Dodged Ramm Editbore and Cool's Beer Senior Editbore In the same day the NUL Pathetic Department announced they would be paying football players NFL salaries, the Pathetic Director put everything on the NUL campus up for sale to adver tisers. Bill Burned, University of No Lcarning pathetic director, decreed the sale to three guys at Clift’s Tues day afternoon. Every building, classroom, profes n sor, athlete, univer Burnea sity department, de gree and student organization would now be on the block for advertisers, including the man, the coach, the leg end — Dr. Tom Ozzybonc. He will be m sponsored by Span meat product. Reactions across the NUL campus, brought to you by Kodack, were mixed. Tostitas Chancellor Jimmy Whcczcr said he was not at all opposed to the changes, especially Trojin Condoms Oldfathcr Hall. “I mean, come on. It is the most phallic looking thing on campus, next to that stupid-ass bell tower," he said from the Budweisor Administration Building. “And what the hell, I get all the friggin’ com chips I can cat." As part of the advertising deal, the 1996-97 Kcillogg’s Cornflaikcs' Cornhustlcr Football season may be canceled because of an advertising stunt designed to fill Runsa’s Memo rial Stadium with the world’s largest Jclly-0 mold. “Hey, we can get a buttload of money and Bill Cozby in the same swoop. It’s a hell of a deal," Burned said. The Jclly-0 Corp., who are spon soring the event, denied comment. Players on the Comhustlcr Football squad, brought to you by the folks at the “Walkin’” Hal Ambersand law of fices, were mixed to the decision. Ourman Spleen, brought to you by Rccbock, said he would stay with the program, as long as the Jclly-0 was lime flavored. “Anything else and I am getting out here,” Spleen, a sophomore Nikic run ning back said. “Well, maybe if it were electric blue.” Snuckcr’s candy bar Sports Misin formation Director Wimp Sanderson confirmed that the Jelly-0 would be lime. “Of course it’ll be green, that’s Bill Burned’s favorite color,” Sanderson said. Bill Burned was brought to you by D.J.’s Hideaway. Magazine rates programs low so let’s go drinkin’ By Spiral Spaghetti Booze Editor A recent You Snooze & World Re port ranking of America’s best gradu ate schools didn’t even acknowledge the existence of almost all of the Uni versity of No-Leaming’s graduate pro grams. NUL was not mentioned as one of the top 50 law schools, the top 50 graduate schools of engineering or the top 49 graduate schools of business. NUL also was not named one of the top 15 primary-care schools or one of the top 25 graduate schools for re search-oriented medicine, biological sciences, chemistry, computer science or geology. NUL also was not given a top-15 ranking for any of its graduate pro grams of journalism, except for a no. 15 ranking of the advertising depart ment ■*— a ranking reportedly linked to a sales deal Bill Bunted made with You Snooze and World Report. In a surprise coup, however, NUL was named the top school for gradu ate degrees in genetic engineering, reportedly because of the new Be Dull Center. Scientists are reportedly working on a plan to create and clone the per fect NUL football player. Some NUL officials were upset about the survey and said some of NUL’s best programs were not in cluded in You Snooze’s report. Oh wcl 1, it seems that You Snooze just doesn’t care about those pro grams. That’s not my fault, and I just want to go to the bar so, bye.
