The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, April 01, 1996, Page 2, Image 10

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    Litesmall drops duties, heads for hoops
Administrator to help
Coach Knee prepare
for tough schedule
By Mute Fate
Old man editbore
In a move to shore up his backcourt
before the national co-rec basketball
tournament, Coach Dan Knee dubbed
senior administrator Jo Jo “Air”
Litesmell his new shooting guard Sun
day.
Litesmell said Sunday morning that
she liked her job at NUL and had no
intentions of leaving. Sunday after
noon, she told Knee that she would
replace Jerry Boned.
Litesmell, a 50-somcthing math
ematician, got her first taste of the
liardcourt last year in a celebration for
the Comhustler basketball team.
“That little honey ’s got a hell of a
lump shot,” Knee said after practices
Sunday. “Besides, a blind man could
shoot better than Jerry Boned.”
Knee said for being a senior admin
istrator, Litesmell could run a 4.3 40
yard dash and had a 70-inch vertical
eap. Add that to her towering 6-foot
5-inch frame, he said, and she is a bas
ketball machine.
Litesmell said she “cared a lot” for
he university but that this one just
“seemed right.”
Dejected and angry, Boned callci
Litesmell a bunch of nasty names a:
she walked out of the locker room.
“Am not,” Litesmell said to a par
ticularly nasty word.
“Arc too,” Boned retorted.
“Am not.”
Litesmell had been rccruitci
heavily after her departure from the
interim chancellor post. Kcntuekly
UMASSive and UNAD were all re
ported by se>mc guy at Clift’s Lounge
as schools looking at Litesmell.
Knee reportly was able to lure
Litesmell to basketball team by send
ing her packages containing brochure:
about the university, pamphlets abou
and little hotel-sized soap. Litcsmel
collects hotel soap on all her trips witf
other administrators to universities
they don’t want to work for.
The NCAA is invesitgating. Bu
senior NCAA officials didn’t cxpcc
to find any misdoing. And even if the)
did, NCAA officials say they don’
really care because hotel soap is se
small it is essentially useless.
“I hate those little soaps,” said on<
NCAA official. “I always bring m)
own when I travel.”
Litesmell said she is delighted t(
be on the team and excited to play al
the puny teams on the Cornhustle
schedule.
“I just love Nebraska.”
HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S PAY
Welcome to the annual April Fool's Day issue of the
Daily Harassment. We here at the Daily Harassment have
attempted to fill your mundane day here at the Univer
sity of No-Learning with a little harmless humor and a
little relief from that stupid other newspaper -- The Daily
Nebraskan.
This is a joke. It is not meant to be taken seri
ously. If it is taken any other way than a joke, it
may be hazardous to your health.
If you can take a joke, read on. If you can't, please
take this issue of the Daily Harassment and place it in
an appropriate receptacle --1 think you know what we
mean.
-I. Wear Hanes
Edit bore
Harassment
Editor I. Wear Hanes Nighttime
472-7211 Snifflin’-Sneezin'-StuffyHead
Deranging Editor Drugged Coma Snooze Editors Many Branded
Booze Desk Editors Spiral Spaghetti Anne Hockalugi
Mute Fate Betty Rubble
Onion Page Erector Dog Pecker Rebate Oldmen
Wired Maniac Miracle Maker Fart Director Air Stinkyberg
Plagarism Injector Dim Person General Manager The Man
_ Snorts Ejector Mister Charmin Badvertising Manager Amy Straightjacket
SEX & entertainment Asst. Badvertising Manager Lorali
Editor Del Scandal Pub Bored Cnairwarmer Tim Hedonism
Voyuers Travels Hiking 476-9211
Biscotti Brewin' Professional Acrobat Don "Flying" Walueki
Clark Kent 477-3333
FAX NUMBER 555-JOKE
The Daily Harassment is published by the NUL PubBored, whosemembers are chronic bed
wettersand must be reached between visits to child psychologists. The DH is published at NUL
once a year and in Greece Monday through Friday during the academic year.
Readers are encouraged to shove story ideas up their ass between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday
through Friday. After 5 p.m., readers can submit story ideas at the Daily Harassment office,
which is located in the second stall from the right in the men's restroom in the basement of
Morgin's Upstairs. Reader's submitting story ideas after 5 p.m. should come wearing their
choice of a chicken costume or a Richard Nixon mask. Also, readers should not be wearing
underwear unless deemed medically necessary. Story ideas should be phrased in the form of
a question. If story ideas are not phrased in the form of a question, they will be shoved up the
reader's ass.
Subscription price is 500,000 drachmas for one year.
ALL MATERIAL COPYRIGHT 1996 DAILY HARASSMENT
Motto: *Where no one knows your name*
http://www.DH.ffoiget.lt
' Chancellor scared and crazy
By Spiral Spaghetti
Booze Editor
Chancellor Jimmy Whcczer an
nounced Sunday night at O’Dorks
• that he would form 13 search com
mittees to replace 12 of the high
; ranking NUL officials who told
him they liked Nebraska and had
no intention of leaving.
“I’ve heard that song and dance
1 before,” said Whcczer as he gyrated
his hips and plunked more change
into the jukebox. “Don’t think I’ll
fall for it again.”
He was referring to vice chan
cellor Jo Jo “Air,r>Litesmell, who
resigned to play basketball for Dan
Knee hours after saying she liked
' her job and had no intention of
leaving.
1 The search committees for the
University of No-Learning vacan
: cies will be announced soon,
Whcczer said.
“I’ll announce the committees
| sometime next week, I think, al
though I’m not sure who to put on
them since so many people have
said they like Nebraska,” he said.
“Do you want to be on one of
them? I’ll buy you a beer.”
By organizing the search com
mittees before the administrators
officially accept other positions,
Wheezcr said he would have plenty
of time to throw out those search
committees and replace them with
’’Don't you worry. lam looking for a new
position, and I have every intention of
leaving. “Although I won't be leaving the
bar for a while. ”
JIMMY WHEEZER
NUL chancellor
new ones.
“Never go with what the first
search committee decides — that’s
my motto,” he said. “I don’t care if
finalists have been chosen and sev
eral interviews have already been
done.”
Whcezcr, however, said he
would not form a search commit
tee to replace Jimmy Greaser, oil
can of student affairs.
“My opinion is, if students have
affairs, that’s their business,”
Whcezcr said. “I don’t think the
university should be involved in
that process at all.”
Whcezcr, who took over as
NUL chancellor not too long ago,
reassured the Daily Harassment
that there would be no need for a
search committee for his position.
“Don’t you worry. I am looking
for a new position, and I have ev
ery intention of leaving,” he said.
“Although I won’t be leaving the
bar for a while.”
When informed that former
NUL officials had been accused of
using NUL as a springboard to lead
a position with a more prestigious
school, Whcczcr was puzzled.
“I don’t understand why you’re
bringing gymnastics into this,”
Whcczcr said. “Everyone knows
that Nebraska is about football, and
that doesn’t have anything to do
with springboards.”
The Daily Harassment was not
able to contact any of the 13 offi
cials who reported that they liked
their jobs in Nebraska and had no
intention of leaving.
Many of those officials were re
portedly visiting towns that, coin
cidentally, had large or prestigious
universities with vacancies for
which the officials had not applied.
Poverty officials go crazy, give stuff away
By I. Wear Hanes
Senior vice chancellor for the status of
men's underwear
The NUL office of Impoverishment
and Financial Harm announced all stu
dent loan checks for next semester will
be distributed sometime before hell
freezes over.
But to compensate for the late
checks, Director of Poverty Jon
Beaten said, the university would be
giving students a few perks, includ
ing a free $500 added to their checks,
textbooks at actual market price, no
parking tickets, free meals at the resi
dence halls, and bricks in the Memo
rial Stadium walkway.
“I’m terribly disappointed about
the late checks, but our office and the
university administration feel the big
ger issue is that students arc being
charged just too damn much for ev
erything on this campus,” Beaten said.
NUL President L. Dennis-Dennis
Bo-Bennis Banana-Fana-Fo-Fennis
Me-Mi-Mo-Mennis Dennis Smut said
he wants to implement the perk pro
gram to the campuses of the Univer
sity of No-Knowledge and the Univer
sity of No-Opportunity.
“Tastes like chicken,” Smut said.
(Actually he said: “We’re fighting
mad about student costs ” But that’s a
lie)
Upon hearing of the perk program,
ANUS president Erotic Magnitizcr
had a cow. It weighed 30 lbs., 10 oz.,
but unfortunately had mad-cow dis
ease and had to be destroyed.
“Whoa,” Magnitizer said. “That’s
one hell of a deal for students but not
“Tastes like ch icken. ” (A dually he saicl: “ We 're
fighting mad about student costs. ” But that's a lie)
L. DENNIS-DENNIS BO-BENNIS BANANA-FANA-FO
FENNIS ME-MI-MO-MENNIS DENNIS SMUT
NUL President
for my mad cow.”
Beaten said the cow looked re
markably a second cousin of his and
offered to take care of it. However,
Abel Food Services killed it anyway.
“Mad cow burgers for all!” an Abel
food service worker told the Daily Ha
rassment — ahh, but I digress.
When state legislators got word of
the perk program, they were super
friggin’ pissed. Senators have cun
ningly devised a plan to shift property
taxes to NUL students.
“We’re gonna give them the shaft,”
said Sen. Moron from some small
town.
Senators want to charge students
for everything on campus and elimi
nate property taxes all together. Al
most everything will become coin
operated, including bathrwim stalls,
toilet-paper dispensers, drinking foun
tains, classroom chairs — window
scats will cost extra.
Students who use anything that
isn't coin-operated will be given a
ticket by a meter maid. Tickets will
be given for entering and exiting build
ings, eating, drinking, smelling flow
ers, sitting on Broybill fountain and
anything they can think of.
“Tax. Tax. Tax. Tax. Tax. Tax," said
Sen. Pompous from Lincoln.
Should students refuse to pay for
everything. Senators arc hoping the
university will shut down and univer
sity money can be used for property
tax relief.
‘None of us have a college educa
tion, why should they,” said Sen. Idiot
from Omaha.
. Smut said the perk program might
help keep students in school in face
of all the additional costs and late loan
checks.
“Everybody have fun tonight. Ev
erybody wang chung tonight.” Smut
said. (Actually he said “The Legisla
ture doesn’t understand how expen
sive a college education really is.” But
he’s not sincere.)
Students who qualify for the perk
program can fill pick up an applica
tion at the Office of Impoverishment
and Financial Harm. There is a
$50,000 application fee.
This story Is completely antrae.