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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1996)
Litesmall drops duties, heads for hoops Administrator to help Coach Knee prepare for tough schedule By Mute Fate Old man editbore In a move to shore up his backcourt before the national co-rec basketball tournament, Coach Dan Knee dubbed senior administrator Jo Jo “Air” Litesmell his new shooting guard Sun day. Litesmell said Sunday morning that she liked her job at NUL and had no intentions of leaving. Sunday after noon, she told Knee that she would replace Jerry Boned. Litesmell, a 50-somcthing math ematician, got her first taste of the liardcourt last year in a celebration for the Comhustler basketball team. “That little honey ’s got a hell of a lump shot,” Knee said after practices Sunday. “Besides, a blind man could shoot better than Jerry Boned.” Knee said for being a senior admin istrator, Litesmell could run a 4.3 40 yard dash and had a 70-inch vertical eap. Add that to her towering 6-foot 5-inch frame, he said, and she is a bas ketball machine. Litesmell said she “cared a lot” for he university but that this one just “seemed right.” Dejected and angry, Boned callci Litesmell a bunch of nasty names a: she walked out of the locker room. “Am not,” Litesmell said to a par ticularly nasty word. “Arc too,” Boned retorted. “Am not.” Litesmell had been rccruitci heavily after her departure from the interim chancellor post. Kcntuekly UMASSive and UNAD were all re ported by se>mc guy at Clift’s Lounge as schools looking at Litesmell. Knee reportly was able to lure Litesmell to basketball team by send ing her packages containing brochure: about the university, pamphlets abou and little hotel-sized soap. Litcsmel collects hotel soap on all her trips witf other administrators to universities they don’t want to work for. The NCAA is invesitgating. Bu senior NCAA officials didn’t cxpcc to find any misdoing. And even if the) did, NCAA officials say they don’ really care because hotel soap is se small it is essentially useless. “I hate those little soaps,” said on< NCAA official. “I always bring m) own when I travel.” Litesmell said she is delighted t( be on the team and excited to play al the puny teams on the Cornhustle schedule. “I just love Nebraska.” HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S PAY Welcome to the annual April Fool's Day issue of the Daily Harassment. We here at the Daily Harassment have attempted to fill your mundane day here at the Univer sity of No-Learning with a little harmless humor and a little relief from that stupid other newspaper -- The Daily Nebraskan. This is a joke. It is not meant to be taken seri ously. If it is taken any other way than a joke, it may be hazardous to your health. If you can take a joke, read on. If you can't, please take this issue of the Daily Harassment and place it in an appropriate receptacle --1 think you know what we mean. -I. Wear Hanes Edit bore Harassment Editor I. Wear Hanes Nighttime 472-7211 Snifflin’-Sneezin'-StuffyHead Deranging Editor Drugged Coma Snooze Editors Many Branded Booze Desk Editors Spiral Spaghetti Anne Hockalugi Mute Fate Betty Rubble Onion Page Erector Dog Pecker Rebate Oldmen Wired Maniac Miracle Maker Fart Director Air Stinkyberg Plagarism Injector Dim Person General Manager The Man _ Snorts Ejector Mister Charmin Badvertising Manager Amy Straightjacket SEX & entertainment Asst. Badvertising Manager Lorali Editor Del Scandal Pub Bored Cnairwarmer Tim Hedonism Voyuers Travels Hiking 476-9211 Biscotti Brewin' Professional Acrobat Don "Flying" Walueki Clark Kent 477-3333 FAX NUMBER 555-JOKE The Daily Harassment is published by the NUL PubBored, whosemembers are chronic bed wettersand must be reached between visits to child psychologists. The DH is published at NUL once a year and in Greece Monday through Friday during the academic year. Readers are encouraged to shove story ideas up their ass between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Friday. After 5 p.m., readers can submit story ideas at the Daily Harassment office, which is located in the second stall from the right in the men's restroom in the basement of Morgin's Upstairs. Reader's submitting story ideas after 5 p.m. should come wearing their choice of a chicken costume or a Richard Nixon mask. Also, readers should not be wearing underwear unless deemed medically necessary. Story ideas should be phrased in the form of a question. If story ideas are not phrased in the form of a question, they will be shoved up the reader's ass. Subscription price is 500,000 drachmas for one year. ALL MATERIAL COPYRIGHT 1996 DAILY HARASSMENT Motto: *Where no one knows your name* http://www.DH.ffoiget.lt ' Chancellor scared and crazy By Spiral Spaghetti Booze Editor Chancellor Jimmy Whcczer an nounced Sunday night at O’Dorks • that he would form 13 search com mittees to replace 12 of the high ; ranking NUL officials who told him they liked Nebraska and had no intention of leaving. “I’ve heard that song and dance 1 before,” said Whcczer as he gyrated his hips and plunked more change into the jukebox. “Don’t think I’ll fall for it again.” He was referring to vice chan cellor Jo Jo “Air,r>Litesmell, who resigned to play basketball for Dan Knee hours after saying she liked ' her job and had no intention of leaving. 1 The search committees for the University of No-Learning vacan : cies will be announced soon, Whcczer said. “I’ll announce the committees | sometime next week, I think, al though I’m not sure who to put on them since so many people have said they like Nebraska,” he said. “Do you want to be on one of them? I’ll buy you a beer.” By organizing the search com mittees before the administrators officially accept other positions, Wheezcr said he would have plenty of time to throw out those search committees and replace them with ’’Don't you worry. lam looking for a new position, and I have every intention of leaving. “Although I won't be leaving the bar for a while. ” JIMMY WHEEZER NUL chancellor new ones. “Never go with what the first search committee decides — that’s my motto,” he said. “I don’t care if finalists have been chosen and sev eral interviews have already been done.” Whcezcr, however, said he would not form a search commit tee to replace Jimmy Greaser, oil can of student affairs. “My opinion is, if students have affairs, that’s their business,” Whcezcr said. “I don’t think the university should be involved in that process at all.” Whcezcr, who took over as NUL chancellor not too long ago, reassured the Daily Harassment that there would be no need for a search committee for his position. “Don’t you worry. I am looking for a new position, and I have ev ery intention of leaving,” he said. “Although I won’t be leaving the bar for a while.” When informed that former NUL officials had been accused of using NUL as a springboard to lead a position with a more prestigious school, Whcczcr was puzzled. “I don’t understand why you’re bringing gymnastics into this,” Whcczcr said. “Everyone knows that Nebraska is about football, and that doesn’t have anything to do with springboards.” The Daily Harassment was not able to contact any of the 13 offi cials who reported that they liked their jobs in Nebraska and had no intention of leaving. Many of those officials were re portedly visiting towns that, coin cidentally, had large or prestigious universities with vacancies for which the officials had not applied. Poverty officials go crazy, give stuff away By I. Wear Hanes Senior vice chancellor for the status of men's underwear The NUL office of Impoverishment and Financial Harm announced all stu dent loan checks for next semester will be distributed sometime before hell freezes over. But to compensate for the late checks, Director of Poverty Jon Beaten said, the university would be giving students a few perks, includ ing a free $500 added to their checks, textbooks at actual market price, no parking tickets, free meals at the resi dence halls, and bricks in the Memo rial Stadium walkway. “I’m terribly disappointed about the late checks, but our office and the university administration feel the big ger issue is that students arc being charged just too damn much for ev erything on this campus,” Beaten said. NUL President L. Dennis-Dennis Bo-Bennis Banana-Fana-Fo-Fennis Me-Mi-Mo-Mennis Dennis Smut said he wants to implement the perk pro gram to the campuses of the Univer sity of No-Knowledge and the Univer sity of No-Opportunity. “Tastes like chicken,” Smut said. (Actually he said: “We’re fighting mad about student costs ” But that’s a lie) Upon hearing of the perk program, ANUS president Erotic Magnitizcr had a cow. It weighed 30 lbs., 10 oz., but unfortunately had mad-cow dis ease and had to be destroyed. “Whoa,” Magnitizer said. “That’s one hell of a deal for students but not “Tastes like ch icken. ” (A dually he saicl: “ We 're fighting mad about student costs. ” But that's a lie) L. DENNIS-DENNIS BO-BENNIS BANANA-FANA-FO FENNIS ME-MI-MO-MENNIS DENNIS SMUT NUL President for my mad cow.” Beaten said the cow looked re markably a second cousin of his and offered to take care of it. However, Abel Food Services killed it anyway. “Mad cow burgers for all!” an Abel food service worker told the Daily Ha rassment — ahh, but I digress. When state legislators got word of the perk program, they were super friggin’ pissed. Senators have cun ningly devised a plan to shift property taxes to NUL students. “We’re gonna give them the shaft,” said Sen. Moron from some small town. Senators want to charge students for everything on campus and elimi nate property taxes all together. Al most everything will become coin operated, including bathrwim stalls, toilet-paper dispensers, drinking foun tains, classroom chairs — window scats will cost extra. Students who use anything that isn't coin-operated will be given a ticket by a meter maid. Tickets will be given for entering and exiting build ings, eating, drinking, smelling flow ers, sitting on Broybill fountain and anything they can think of. “Tax. Tax. Tax. Tax. Tax. Tax," said Sen. Pompous from Lincoln. Should students refuse to pay for everything. Senators arc hoping the university will shut down and univer sity money can be used for property tax relief. ‘None of us have a college educa tion, why should they,” said Sen. Idiot from Omaha. . Smut said the perk program might help keep students in school in face of all the additional costs and late loan checks. “Everybody have fun tonight. Ev erybody wang chung tonight.” Smut said. (Actually he said “The Legisla ture doesn’t understand how expen sive a college education really is.” But he’s not sincere.) Students who qualify for the perk program can fill pick up an applica tion at the Office of Impoverishment and Financial Harm. There is a $50,000 application fee. This story Is completely antrae.
