Win this column!
Get with the program and start writing now
You think you can do better?
Read on!
Ms. Fatima Arbuckle of Lincoln
writes:
Dear Mr. Baldwig,
Are you possessed by the Devil?
Both your columns and your
demeanor imply this is so. Why
don't you grow up?
Thanks for your letter, Fatima.
Let’s look at the questions and
assertions you pose one at a time,
shall we?
One. It’s not the devil I’m
possessed by, my dear woman, but
the spirit of my ancestors — that is,
the Weeping Kings of Ireland.
In short, it’s not the demonic I
represent, but that most faded of
faded glories, the aristocrat.
I don’t know how I inherited the
aristocratic gene. It must’ve lain
dormant in my family for genera
tions, recessive, but ready to spring
out and start barking orders at any
moment.
I remember fondly my father
asking me, as he kicked my butt with
enormous Texas boots, “Whadaya
think, th’ world OWES you a
livin’?”
Of course it never had occurred tc
me before, but in that moment I saw
in a flash that I was different from
my siblings — I was quite convinced
that the world did in fact owe me a
living, and I set out to claim it.
The world, however, had other
ideas.
Obviously, the aristocrat has been
out of fashion for some time in this
country, his peasant-kicking boots
have been inherited by fathers,
middle managers and union bosses.
But maybe that just means his
time has come ‘round again.
You will find me ready, at a
moment’s notice, to slouch toward
Bethlehem to be born.
Two. Perhaps it is your inference
and no implication of mine that I am
demon possessed.
I admit that photos of me (see
Mark Baldridge
“Anyone who thinks
they can do better than
me at this business of
column writing is
welcome to give it a
shot. ”
above) tend to fall into two catego
ries; the axe murderer and the drug
addict pursue each other endlessly
through my scrap books. I guess it’s
Manson time again; Helter Skelter
and all that.
But before you judge this
particular book by its cover, let me
propose an alternative. Just because
it looks like a duck and talks like a
duck is no reason to stir up the
orange sauce.
I really have no idea what that
means.
Let me say it another way. I have
yet not sold my soul to the Devil.
I’m waiting for Big Business to
make a better offer.
C. What makes you so sure I
haven’t yet grown up? Sure, I watch
cartoons and eat sugary breakfast
cereal, but who doesn’t? It’s a
generational thing, and it may be
catching.
In the future, adolescence will be
defined as the period from first
pimple to first health insurance
premium.
For most of us in Gen X, that
period can span more than 20 years,
as it has in my case.
In fact, I feel quite grown up in
my own terms. I no longer comb my
hair with my fingers (I cut it all off
periodically and so save on haircuts
as well), I pay my bills (most of the
time) and have completely lost my
taste, I find, for the products of Chef
Boyardee — the clincher here, I
think.
In short, I have every indication
that I am well into young adulthood
and, at the age of 31,1 feel my
accomplishments and bearing speak
for themselves.
As my little sister used to say: I’m
rubber and you’re glue — whatever
you say bounces off me and sticks to
you. Nyeah nyeah nyeah.
There, I’ve demolished your
arguments, such as they were. And I
feel ready to pose a few of my own.
Dear Fatima,
What makes you think you are
so hot? Do you honestly think you
could do better? All right then, let
me throw down the gauntlet you
slapped me with — put your
money where your mouth is, Baby.
Anyone who thinks they can do
better than me at this business of
column writing is welcome to give it
a shot.
Just send a short letter to the DN
telling why YOU should be allowed
to Take Over the Planet, er, um, My
Column.
An independent panel of judges
will review your letters and the
winner will replace Mark Baldridge
for one week—effectively shutting
him up for once (and only once).
Come on people, get with the
program. Hammer your heart into 45
words or less and slide it under the
editor’s door. Manuscripts can be
mailed, e-mailed or hand delivered.
No purchase necessary.
Void where prohibited.
No fictional characters need
apply (sorry Fatima.)
Baldridge la a senior English major and
a Dally Nebraskan columnist
Full of it
Byrne s stance on student seating is shaky
Allow me to begin this column
with the inspirational words of Bill
Byrne, NU Athletic Director.
“The problem we are trying to
address is students standing on their
seats at football games. We have no
problem with students standing and
supporting the Huskers. It is when
they stand on their seats and block
the view of other fans behind them
that problems arise. Let me tell you
what those problems have been.
(a) Fights. We have had physical
confrontations with NU students and
fans who are exasperated about
students standing in front of them.
Our fans average almost 60 years of
age, and confrontations between
students and people of that age is not
OK.
(b) Thrown items. We have had
cups filled with urine and vomit
thrown from the student section into
non-student sections. Thatis not
OK.”
Bill, these statements are the
biggest sack of political BS that I
have ever seen. It’s about money,
why don’t you just come out and say
it.
Well, let me tell you what our
problems are.
(a) Your fans average almost 60
years of age. We forgot that they
were your fans! Hey Bill, what you
forgot to tell us was that the fan
survey you ran consisted of only 200
people, all of which were fairly large
donators.
So your fans, who average almost
60 years of age, are simply not valid,
sir.
(b) If President Clinton con
demned this whole country because
of a few bad apples, life would be
very sony in America. Cups filled
with urine and vomit — once again a
Bob Ray
“ ...the athletic director
states ‘the athletic
department also recently
contributed $350,000 to
the library for
periodicals. ’
Feeling a bit guilty?”
sorry attempt to come up with an
excuse to move student seating.
We don’t need you or anyone else
at this University to try to punish us.
This entire issue is reflective of
the sick greed that college sports has
turned into.
After reading your reasoning for
changing student seating, I was
angered. But now I am not because it
makes me laugh that you and your
team of people cannot think of
anything better to justify this whole
issue.
It’s quite amazing—when
someone is avoiding the real issue,
the masses can always tell. Guess
what Mr. Byrne, we caught ya!
Don’t think for a minute that you
are going to move student seating,
and if you do, be prepared to be run
out of town.
We are the students of this great
university, most of us are proud to
be here, and we will not allow you to
treat us like dirt.
Chancellor James Moeser ordered
Byme and the athletic department '
not to make another move without
his approval.
I certainly hope that our new
chancellor makes the right decision
and backs the students up.
Mr. Moeser, considering that you
are brand new at this university, I
think it would be in your best
interest to support the students.
Later in the brief from Bill Byme,
the athletic director states “the
athletic department also recently
contributed $350,000 to the library
for periodicals.”
Feeling a bit guilty? Thanks for
the donation anyway.
Let’s take a look at the big
picture. The University of Nebraska
is an institution of higher learning.
UNL, just as all the other universi
ties worldwide, is in business
because of the students. We are the
bedrock of UNL, we are the charac
ter of UNL and we are the positive
image that makes the rest of this
country say “Nebraska has great
student fans.”
Mr. Byme, I respect your position
as athletic director at UNL, but you
simply will not win.
If Bill Byme and the Athletic
Department continue with their
mission, I do believe the political
term ‘HARDBALL” should be used
in defense of the students of UNL.
Ray Is a senior broadcasting major and
a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
American workers
have bleak future
MANCHESTER, N.H. — The
textile mills that once dominated
this city have given way to bank
towers and office buildings — a
symbol of the continuing transfor
mation of the American economy.
And despite the dust raised by the
raucous Republican presidential
nomination fight, you can discern
the outlines of a serious policy
debate on the future of workers in
that changing economy.
It began, as nearly as I can tell,
not with a politician but with a
big-business man George David,
the president of United Tech
nologies, the Connecticut
conglomerate that builds every
thing from helicopters to air
conditioners.
David spoke at the National
Press Club last December and
drew a stark picture of what lies
ahead for the work force. “Since
1990,” he said, “our company
alone has eliminated 33,000 jobs
in the United States, about one in
three. During that same period,
we have added 15,000 jobs
outside the United States. We
have no reason tQ believe this
trend for corporate America will
change soon. If anything, it will
accelerate.”
Indeed, said David, of the 120
million Americans working today,
• “as many as 30 million will be at
risk, 18 million people in admin
istrative support jobs prone to
automation, 10 million in
manufacturing jobs susceptible to
foreign competition, and 2
million additional white-collar
jobs that medium and large
companies like ours, under the
pressure of competition, will
learn to live without.”
Like others of his breed, the
Connecticut executive rejected
the protectionist “solution”
offered by Patrick J. Buchanan.
But he also rejected the idea that
market forces by themselves
would provide an answer for the
threatened workers and their
families.
Instead, he called on compa
nies to expand greatly their
education programs for their
employees and suggested that
government could help if it
stopped taxing as income the
tuition reimbursements compa
nies like United Technologies
offer employees who go back to
school and instead made college
tuition tax-deductible.
Somehow, David’s speech
came to the attention of President
Clinton. In an appearance in New
Hampshire earlier this month, he
said the executive “was arguing
that we ought to change the whole
tax system so that there would
always be an incentive for
employers to help their employ
ees get more education.”
In the past week, both Secre
tary of Labor Robert Reich and
Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D
Mass., have expanded on the
theme in speeches, with Kennedy
offering a long menu of proposals
for tax credits to aid workers who
are the victims of corporate
downsizing.
David Brodar
“Indeed, ’ said David,
of the 120 million
Americans working
today, "as many as 30
million will be at
risk.
Now, all this flies in the face
of the idea, embraced by most of
the Republican presidential
hopefuls, of eliminating special
purpose tax credits and deduc
tions in favor of a flat tax.
Steve Forbes has the most
radical version of that tax, and his
rivals have been hammering it.
But the concept of a “simpler,
flatter tax,” as Senate Majority
Leader Bob Dole calls it, is very
much alive. In fact, it is almost
certain to be a principle plank of
the 1996 Republican platform.
The GOP argument is that
lower rates will spur economic
growth and create more jobs. But
the Democrats respond that rates
were drastically lowered in the
1986 tax bill, and while employ
ment has grown, so has the fear of
layoffs. In addition, the income
gap between those with high
skills and advanced education and
those without them is growing.
Thus, the case — endorsed by
executives like David — for
targeted tax incentives to train
and educate workers.
As Kennedy acknowledged, a
Republican Congress intent on
moving toward a flat tax and
lower rates is unlikely to provide
deductions or credits for these
employee benefits, let alone the
wider array of assistance the
Massachusetts senator has
suggested can be financed by
closing what he calls “corporate
loopholes.”
But a healthy debate on this
issue would help move this
campaign beyond the level of
personal invective that the
Republicans have set in the first
six weeks of the year.
The time is right for others
with a stake in the outcome —
leaders of business and labor, as
well as politicians—to speak
out. Those figures David cited are
chilling. We will ignore their
implications at our peril.
(C) 1996, Washington Post Writers
Croup
BE OUR GUEST
The Daily Nebraskan will present a guest columnist each week. Writers
from the university and community are welcome.
Must have strong writing skills and something to say.
Contact Doug Peters c/o the Daily Nebraskan, 34 Nebraska Union,
1400 R St., Lincoln, NE 68588, or e-mail at lettcrs@imlinfo.unl.edu.
Or by phone at (402H72-1782.
