Friday, January 19, 1996 Page 4
Daily
Nebraskan
Editorial Board
University of Nebraska-Lincoln
J. Christopher Haiti.Editor, 472-1766
Doug Kouma....Managing Editor
Doug Peters.. Opinion Page Editor
Sarah Scalet....Associate News Editor
Matt Waite ....Associate News Editor
Michelle Garner......Wire Editor
Jennifer Mapes....Columnist
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“It’s easier to hire the homeless; they’re more flexible
than people who work.”
— Kent Taylor, Austin, Texas, ticket broker, on his practice of hiring
homeless people to stand in line for concert tickets.
“He’s magical. He’s smart. He knows what to do with
the ball. This guy’s dangerous.”
— Former UCLA coach Terry Donahue, who coached the West team
in the East-West game, on quarterback Tommie Frazier.
“As we begin the second half of the last decade in this
great American century, let us dream a dream together
once again.”
— Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, in a statement recognizing
Martin Luther King Jr. ’s birthday.
“It is a tragedy to victimize women who have already
been victims of rape or incest. It (Medicaid) needs to be
there for those horrendous moments.”
— Susan Hale\ Planned Parenthood lobbyist, on abortion funding.
“My first feeling when I saw him, he sort of looked like
a Ku Klux Klan or a skinhead with hair.”
— Armanda Cooley, jury forewoman in the O.J. Simpson trial, on
-v i '• ’ her first impression Of Mark Fuhrman.
“Pictures of Winston Churchill jetskiing in the nude
are not uncommon and can be slightly arousing when
held at the proper angle.”
— Columnist Steve Willey, on his Internet exploits.
“This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. There are
guys in this league who have never played in a Super
Bowl or a national championship, and here I am having
- done them both in just over a year. I’m pretty lucky.”
— Former Comhusker offensive lineman Brenden Stai, on the
Pittsburgh Steelers' upcoming Super Bowl appearance.
“I would have to say it was a great satisfaction to see
the different publics embrace a women’s collegiate team.
I’ve witnessed this in the male domain, but never before
in the world of women’s sports.”
— Associate athletic director Barbara Hibner, on the public’s
support of the NU volleyball team.
“I thought I heard God speaking, and it turned out to
be Barbara Jordan.”
— Texas Ijand Commissioner Garry Mauro, on the late Barbara
Jordan, the country’s first black congresswoman, who died Wednes
day.
“In the laws of Israel, if Mr. Marshall had come home
and found his wife in this situation, the question would
not be, ‘Did you strike her?’ It would have been, ‘Well,
are you ready to publicly be the first one to stone her?”’
— Michigan District Court Judge Joel Gehrke, after sentencing a
man whose wife had an affair to a three-fingered slap on the wrist
for spousal abuse.
“After people come in once, they’re gonna be hooked.”
— Brian Herbin, campus recreation assistant director for injury
prevention and care, on the rec center’s offer of free massages this
week.
Editorial policy
Staff editorials represent die official
policy of die Fall 1995 Daily Nebras
kan. Policy is set by die Daily Nebras
kan Editorial Board. Editorials do not
necessarily reflect die views of the
university, its employees, the students
or the NU Board of Regents. Editorial
columns represent the opinion of the
author. The regents publish the Daily
Nebraskan. They establish the UNL
Publications Board to supervise the
daily production of die paper. Accord
ing to policy set by the regents, respon
sibility far the editorial content of the
newspaper lies solely in the hands of its
students.
Letter policy
The Daily Nebraskan welcomes brief letters to the
editor from all readers and interested others. Letters
will be selected for publication on the basis of clarity,
originality, timeliness and space available. The Daily
Nebraskan retains the right to edit or reject all material
submitted. Readers also are welcome to submit mate
rial as guest opinions. The editor decides whether
material should run as a guest opinion. Letters and
guest opinions sent to the newspaper become die
property of the Daily Nebraskan and cannot be re
turned. Anonymous submissions will not be pub
lished. Letters should include the author’s name, year
in school, major and group affiliation, if any. Re
quests to withhold names will not be granted. Submit
material to: Daily Nebraskan, 34 Nebraska Union,
1400 R St Lincoln, Neb. 68588-0448.
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Cold reality
Stay in bed; winter’s over in three months
Before I left lor work this
morning, I read the paper and there
was a story with tips on surviving
the cold spell.
. ; ft said ta dress warmly. So l put
on long underwear, boots and
earmuffs. (Actually, I already had
them on when I got up.)
It said that to avoid frostbite,
wiggle your toes and fingers. All the
way to work, I wiggled my toes and
fingers, even on a crowded bus. A
young lady standing next to me was
offended.
I followed all of the instructions,
and when I got to work, I was cold
and numb and miserable.
That always happens, because it
is the same lousy advice we get
every cold winter. I’ve been reading
the same stuff all my life—and
wiggling my toes and fingers and
wearing long underwear, and taking
shortcuts through office buildings,
and not rubbing snow on frostbite
but using warm water instead, and
putting a scarf over my face — and
every winter I’m still cold and
miserable.
We need some new cold-weather
advice. And since nobody else is
offering any, here are a few of my
suggestions for surviving sub-zero
temperatures in Northern cities.
1) Don’t go to work. To hell with
it. The world isn’t going to end if
you don’t show up. And even if it
does, you might as well be home to
make sure the looters don’t break in.
Call in with some kind of excuse.
Tell them a pack of wild dogs is
outside your door and will eat you if
you go out.
Then stay in bed all morning.
When you get up, don’t wash. It’s
bad for you. Eskimos don’t. Spend
the afternoon watching soap operas.
There are some good ones on.
Really dirty. If your wife 'mows the
soap opera plots, and what they’ve
Mike Royko
“There’s nothing like
sitting around on a cold
day, playing poker and
drinking beer, when
everybody else is at
work. You ’ll like it. ”
been doing in detail, you might
make a mental note to check on
what else she has been up to while
you are at work. TV can put ideas
into a person’s head, you know.
Or, in the morning, you might
call a few pals and suggest that they
take the day off, too, and invite them
over and get a poker game going.
There’s nothing like sitting around
on a cold day, playing poker and
drinking beer, when everybody else
is at work. You’ll like it. And order
out for some pizza. It’s the best
thing for warding off frostbite. You
never hear of frostbite cases in
'Rome.
If your wife says that having you
and your friends around the house
all day makes her nervous, tell her
to go out and get a job and she
won’t be so nervous anymore. On
the way, she can start up the car and
run it for a while. That’s another
cold weather tip.
The next morning, call in with -
another excuse. Say there is a
grizzly bear blocking the driveway.
And—another cold weather tip—
open a fresh deck of cards. Pizza
gets them marked up easily.
2) Maybe you aren’t the kind of
person who can sit home all day.
OK. Then get up and leave for
work. But don’t go there. Go out to
the airport and buy a ticket for the
next plane to Jamaica.
If you don’t have enough cash,
use credit cards or write a check.
You can pay later. And even if you
can’t pay later, don’t worry. 1# .
them sue. This is an emergency.
When you get to Jamaica, tell a
cab driver to take you to a little bar
called Toto’s. On the way, stop at a
men’s shop and pick up some cutoff
pants, a T-shirt with bold stripes, a
bandanna, some wraparound
sunglasses, and a long, thin cigar.
But remember to take off your
black, ribbed business socks.
When you get to Toto’s Bar, ask
for Toto (he wears a black eye
patch) and tell him I sent you. He’ll
fix you a great rum and scotch and
gin mixed with coconut milk. Don’t
have more than three—the coconut
milk is fattening.
Tell Toto that you want to meet
Gina. You can’t miss her. She has
long black hair, green eyes flecked
with gold, long, tanned legs, an
orange bikini, and an erotic tattoo
on her left ankle. She’s a nice kid.
Tell her I sent you.
Gina has her own air-conditioned
cottage on a lush hill overlooking a
secluded beach, with a quiet old
lady servant who keeps fresh
gardenias floating in the pink
swimming pool and who knows
voodoo. Tell the old lady I sent you.
She’ll fix you up with a potion.
When you settle down by the
pool, ask Gina to bring you the
phone. Call home collect. Tell your
wife you’ve been kidnapped by
some crazy radicals, and you don’t
know how long you’ll be gone, but
you’ll keep in touch. If she asks you
why you are chuckling, tell her the
radicals are tickling your feet.
3) Or go to Sears and buy an
extra set of long uhderwear.
© 1996 Tribune Media Services
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TO the* Daily Nebraskan, 34
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“-- Lincoln, Neb. 68588, or Fax
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