Grad looking back, forward
The end is coming! The end is
coming!
I sound like one of those over
zealous preachers who you run into
on the street corner. You know —
the ones who dutifully warn people
about the approaching rapture.
So-called prophets have pre
dicted the date of the world’s
demise so often that their words are
soundless, and we pay them as much
attention as those Wednesday
morning sirens left over from the
Cold War — when the fear of Soviet
attack was imminent.
Not so with me. I can tell you the
exact date that the world as I know
it will end. It’s Dec. 16, 1995 — the
date that I graduate from college
and elevate to a different plane, a
higher level of existence. A place
sublime that many refer to as “the
real world.”
Looking back on my college
career with almost 20/20 hindsight, I
now wonder if it lived up to all of
my expectations. All the high school
counselors I talked to and all the
movies I watched told me that
college would be the most glorious
time of my life.
Faced with insurmountable odds,
I would team up with a group of
people who, under the weight of
tremendous pressure, would bond
together in one strong friendship
that would dissolve only after death.
So, I’m a romantic — sue me.
In truth, college has surpassed
my expectations, and God has given
me a lot to be thankful for.
I’m thankful first of all to the
U.S. government, which was willing
to finance my college education for
the past five years. Many people
around the world would fight for the
opportunity to live in America and
receive the education that I have so
often taken for granted.
I’m thankful to my parents who,
with the responsibility of five kids on
their shoulders, slipped me money
here and there when they could.
I’m thankful to my professors
who went above and beyond the call
of duty. Especially those in the
Chaka Johnson
In college, I’ve had the
chance to experience life
more fully than many
people ivho’ve had the
responsibility of a nine
to-five job.
criminal justice department who
after years of teaching continue to
look on it as a joy and a serious
responsibility.
I’m thankful for all of the
memories. In college, I’ve had the
chance to experience life more fully
than many people who’ve had the
responsibility of a nine-to-five job.
There were times when my
friends and 1 were able to take off
for the weekend on various road
trips. I remember one particular
road trip from Colorado to Califor
nia that took us much longer than it
was supposed to because we had
three carloads of girls and couldn’t
synchronize our bathroom breaks.
I remember sleeping out under
the stars by a lake in Yankton, S.D.,
and scaling up the sides of rocks in
Boulder, Colo.
And the friendships created
through these memories are ever
lasting. I remember running wildly
through the halls of the engineering
building at the University of
Colorado while a group of us played
assassins — a practice that abruptly
ended one night when I rounded a
corner and pulled my fake gun on a
security guard.
I remember running up and down
the dorms during the summer
sessions and getting a whole group
of students to play sardines with us
in the darkness of a Boulder night.
And I remember returning home
from spring break to the news that
one of my good friends had died in a
car accident that morning. About six
of us travelled to his funeral in
Texarcana, Texas. And though
Chip’s death was devastating, the
time that the six of us spent together
has become one of those rare
lifetime memories.
Also, I am thankful for all of the
ideas that this whole experience has
stuffed into my head.
I’ve learned everything from
mathematics to creative writing. I
can do derivatives and integrals and
then write about what the experience
made me feel like.
I’ve learned about different
people from different backgrounds
whose native language and under
standing differ markedly from my
own experiences.
I’ve learned 20 different things
about Walt Whitman and Emily
Dickinson that I never wanted to
know and won’t tell you because,
believe me, you don’t want to know
either.
College has far exceeded my
expectations, but I fully expect my
life to get better and better.
College serves as both a founda
tion and a springboard for me. In it,
I have learned more about who I am
and how I deal with different
challenges — and from it, I plan to
catapult into that place known as the
“real world.”
I’m still trembling with fear over
the unexpected, but writing this has
made me realize how much I have to
be grateful for and how much more
there is left to experience in this
lifetime.
So stand on the street comers and
shout it out. Chaka is coming!
Chaka is coming!
Johnson Is a senior criminal justice major
and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
Satire impacts life, columns
Next Wednesday, thousands of
student readers across campus will
feel a sense of loss.
They’ll scratch their foreheads in
confusion, wondering why their
hearts are aching.
And then it will hit them out of
the blue.
I won’t be with them.
Reading my column has, for
many people, been a lot like heroin
addiction. Once they had one dose,
they were willing to lie, cheat and
steal in order to get more.
It’s been a privilege providing
the much-neglected liberal point of
view for the Daily Nebraskan. And
it’s been an even greater privilege
providing the campus with a dose of
satire and irony every Wednesday,
something that is often neglected in
the Midwest.
It would sometimes come as a
shock to discover that people really
believed that I held up the circula
tion desk with a water pistol and had
my apartment walls strewn with deer
heads.
But that was a part of my
mission: to introduce people to
liberalism and satire, a rather heady
combination.
One of my great journalist
models (whose name I have unfortu
nately forgotten) once wrote a
satirical column for the Des Moines
Register outlining an underground
movement by disgruntled Iowans
who were planning to secede from
the Union. The National Guard had
been called in by President Ford,
said this former editor. Several
Iowans wrote in, expressing panic
and dismay, wondering why they
hadn’t heard about it.
That column inspired me for
years.
However, many people might
feel that satire is a lesser art form—
that serious commentary is a far
more important pathway for young
journalists to take.
Naturally, I disagree. Both are
Debra Cumberland
“A fine example of satire
would be Mark Twain’s
comment on his journey
to Genoa, ivhere he saw
\two skulls of
Christopher Columbus:
one when he was a boy,
and one when he was a
man.’”
important. However, satire fills a far
different need than so-called
“serious commentary.”
First of all, satire is an extremely
difficult form to master. In order to
write satire successfully, you have to
walk a very fine line between
serious commentary and farce.
A fine example of satire would
be Mark Twain’s comment on his
journey to Genoa, where he saw
“two skulls of Christopher Colum
bus: one when he was a boy, and
one when he was a man.”
Because satire is a form of
humor, it allows people to laugh at
themselves, a much better way to
enable people to see the incredible
absurdities in themselves and in
society. One might compare it to
frosted mini wheats: a sugar coating
around something otherwise not so
edible. People are much more likely
to accept criticism through humor
than through what they might
otherwise perceive as preaching.
Satire (especially political satire)
is also a means of survival for
people, especially those living in
oppressive regimes. Because it is a
subversive art form, it enables a
writer to critique a society/govem
ment without necessarily appearing
to do so, enabling them to continue
to write and stay alive.
These are only a few of the
reasons why I am so fond of satire,
and why I have chosen to write
satirical columns so often. Having
spent much of my misguided youth
reading satirical writers and listen
ing to Tom Lehrer, satire has just
become a part of who I am.
Writing for the Daily Nebraskan
has also become a part of who I am.
I’ve enjoyed sharing my unique
perspective on the world with all of
you. As always, writing has helped
clarify how I feel about what is
going on in the world around me.
It’s also been exciting to see that
my columns have had an impact.
After writing about how I held up
the circulation desk workers with a
water pistol, I noticed that many of
the library staff either kept their
distance, or checked out my books
at lightning speed. It’s nice to know
that you’re appreciated.
For those who are confused, I
will take these last few lines to clear
up any mysteries. I don’t own guns,
I don’t abuse my cat, I don’t hunt,
and I don’t vote Republican.
However, I am still waiting for
that dinner invitation from Tom
Osborne. After all those years of
catering for his sweaty athletes, I
still feel that he owes me something.
Now that he’s going off to play
Florida, the least he can do is send
me an invitation.
If he does that, I’ll take the jinx
off of the football team.
Cumberland Is a graduate student of
English and a Dally Nebraskan columnist.
Ill
T
And they said it
couldn’t be done ...
The following quotes have
been circulating in certain e-mail
circles for some time. Hope you
enjoy the look back!
“Computers in the future may
weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” —
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the
relentless march of science, 1949.
“I think there is a world market
for maybe five computers.”—Tho
mas Watson, chairman of IBM,
1943.
“I have traveled the length and
breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can as
sure you that data processing is a
fad that won’t last out the year.”—
The editor in charge of business
books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
“But what... is it good for?” —
Engineer at the Advanced Comput
ing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone
would want a computer in their
home.” — Ken Olson, president,
chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many
shortcomings to be seriously con
sidered as a means of communica
tion. The device is inherently of no
value to us.” — Western Union
internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no
imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to
nobody in particular?” — David
SamofTs associates in response to
his urgings fiftr investment in the
radio in the 1920s.
“The concept is interesting and
well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be
feasible.” — A Yale University
management professor in response
to Fred Smith’s paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal
express i^orp.)
“Who the hell wants to hear ac
torstalk?”—H.M. Warner, Warner
Bros., 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable
who’s falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on
his decision not to take the leading
role in “Gone With the Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea.
Besides, the market research re
ports say America likes crispy cook
ies, not soft and chewy cookies like
you make.” — Response to Debbi
Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’
Cookies.
“We don’t like their sound, and
guitar music is on the way out.”—
Decca Recording Co. rejecting The
Beatles, 1962.
“Heavier-than-air flying ma
chines are impossible.” — Lord
Kelvin, president, Royal Society,
1885.
“If I had thought about it, I
wouldn’thave done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples
that said you can’t do this.” —
Spencer Silver on the work that led
to the unique adhesives for 3-M
“Post-It” Notepads.
“So we went to Atari and said,
“If I had thought about
it, I wouldn’t have
done the experiment.
The literature was full
of examples that said
you can’t do this. ”
SPENCER SILVER
Post-It note inventor
‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts,
and what do you think about fund
ing us? Or we’ll give it to you. We
just want to do it. Pay our salary,
we’ll come work for you.’ And they
said, ‘No.’ So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said,
‘Hey, we don’t need you. You
haven’t got through college yet.’”
— Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari
and H-P interested in his and Steve
Wozniak’s personal computer.
“Professor Goddard does not
know the relation between action
and reaction and the need to have
something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to
lack the basic knowledge ladled out
daily in high schools.”— 1921
New York Times editorial about
Robert Goddard’s revolutionary
rocket work.
i uu wain iu nave consistent
and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles? It can’t
be done. It’s just a fact of life. You
just have to accept inconsistent
muscle development as an unalter
able condition of weight training.”
— Response to Arthur Jones, who
solved the “unsolvable” problem
by inventing Nautilus.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill
into the ground to try and find oil?
You’re crazy.” — Drillers who
Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.
“Stocks have reached what looks
like a permanently high plateau.”
— Irving Fisher, professor of eco
nomics, Yale University, 1929.
“Airplanes are interesting toys
but of no military value.” —
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, profes
sor of strategy, Ecole Superieule de
Guerre.
“Everything that can be invented
has been invented.” — Charles H.
Duell, commissioner, U.S. Office
of Patents, 1899.
“Louis Pasteur ’ s theory of germs
is ridiculous fiction.” — Pierre
Pachet, professor of physiology at
Toulouse, 1872.
“The abdomen, the chest and the
brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane
surgeon.”—Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon,appointed Surgeon
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria,
1873.
“640K ought to be enough for
anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981.
BE OUR GUEST
The Daily Nebraskan will present a guest columnist each Monday.
Writers from the university and community are welcome.
Must have strong writing skills and something to say.
Contact Mark Baldridge c/o the Daily Nebraskan, 34 Nebraska
Union, 1400 R St., Lincoln, NE 68588.
Or by phone at (402)-472-1782.