Tree time
Roommates deal with new addition to home
This is the story ... of two people
on a mission to the get the mother of
all Christmas trees, and have their
story told by them.
It’s what happened when we, Paula
and Brian, stopped being festive, and
started being the nagging roomates
we know one another to be.
The air was crisp. The kind of air
you’d get on a chilly Nebraska De
cember day. It was cold. Too cold.
We hopped in the rusting rice
rocket (That would be Paula’s pick
up ... sorry to interrupt. I’m Brian, by
the way) and jetted off down O Street
to the Christmas tree forest.
(OK, now I am going to interrupt.
This is my first Christmas not living
at home. I had to have the tree. What’s
Christmas without a tree?)
(As we travel on this jovial sleigh
ride, I point out all the “free” trees
there for the plucking. By “free” I’m
talking trees that aren’t for sale, but
aren’t sprayed with “stinky fox
urine.”)
(I sometimes wonder just how
“stinky” stinky fox urine is. Mildly
st inky might mask the odor of a week ’ s
worth of dishes and a month’s worth
of trash wafting from the kitchen. It
might even give the place a sort of
potpourri scent.)
Brian, the point?
(But, alas, there are no tree people
at the tree place to sell us trees. So we
wander. Again, 1 notice the opportu
nity for plucking, but we’re good,
honest tree-loving, industry-support
ing youngsters. And we’d probably
get caught.)
(We meet some Charlie Brown
trees, some thick astroturf trees, and
then we meet Steve — huggable, yet
manly in a tree sort of way.)
Ah, but this is where Brian proves
his manliness and won’t hug Steve. I
hugged Steve, and felt much warmer
for it.
By Paula Lavigne
and Brian Sharp
(Excuse me Paul, I have the conch.
I believe most would find it odd for a
man to simply walk up to another —
a complete stranger, mind you —
whom he is about to hack off at the
ankles with a saw and embrace him in
jovial holiday glee.) (Anywho, the
tree folk never show, and we leave
treeless.)
Day 2—Back to the now-tropical
forest, wearing shorts and sunglasses,
which ruins that snow-covered
Norman Rockwell image.
We search for Steve, shouting his
name over and over again, but no
answer. We finally see him, with a
goofy pinecone grin.
“Brian,” I say, “you must hug Steve.
You must bond with the tree.”
Brian looks both ways, then gives
Steve a quick, Charmin squeeze.
“Ow!” Brian cries. “He pricked
me.” (No, he bit me Paul — bit me.)
Go Steve.
We saw many trees, but none were
as huggable as our own little Stevey.
Stevey, standing a mere 4 feet 3
inches tall and weighing in at about
80 pounds, was no match for us. With
the first cuts of the saw, his turpentine
blood flowed from his trunk.
(Oh, that’s the holiday image we
all needed to see. And what’s with
this “Stevey” crap? It’s Steve ...
Women.)
We, no, sorry, I—the one with the
bare legs exposed to pine needles —
lug the tree to the “finishing station”
where Mr. Tree Man puts the trees
through ROTC basic training.
Steve, meet Mr. Shakee. Mr.
Shakee is an interesting device that
wiggles the tree violently, sending
needles, bird nests and squirrels fly
ing in all directions. I think the trees
find it a thrill, because it works like a
giant vibrator. Um, not that I’d know
or anything.
After that, Steve goes through this
giant meat-grinder thing, and he’s
squished together and slid into a net.
(Uh, it was a straight jacket Paul —
see, Steve has gone a bit loony.)
Brian hurls Steve into the truck,
and we’re off like a herd of turtles.
We stop by Brian’s “real” home for
Christmas lights and a Chihuahua.
Mmmmmm ... puppies.
Steve, Taff (that would be my dog),
Brian and I finally get home. (Taff
didn’t much care for Steve. She didn’t
much not care for him either. In fact,
she didn’t really care at all.) We try to
prop him up in a metal bowl. No go.
And, Steve really sheds.
So Brian jets to Target for a tree
stand. He tries to secure the stand, a
minor feat in modem engineering
meant to be understood only by Zen
Buddhists. I patiently hold the tree
and watch CNN. (OK, a minute
please. Yes, she held the tree. Up
right? No. I doubt she even looked at
Steve, which would explain his 45
degree tilt and the reason we left him
teetering for a time.)
Steve’s slurping it up in his groovy
stand (Slurping? Excuse me Paul, but
I think chugging the nectar of the
gods would be more apporpriate.),
decorated with lights and a $5 Santa
topper (don’t forget the popcorn). His
top half blinks, his bottom half
doesn’t. I call him Schizo Steve.
Steve’s become a part of our lives.
That is, until he dries out, ignites and
turns the apartment into a blazing
inferno.
(Huh? ... whatever. I’m going to
get my man Steve a beer.)
Christmas quiz reveals
little-known holiday facts
By The Associated Press
Christmas is coming, the goose
is getting fat, time once again to
find out what you really know about
all that.
This Christmas quiz challenges
your knowledge of our most fer
vent, festive and frantic feast, the
“only time in the long calendar of
the year,” as Charles Dickens put
it, “when men and women seem by
one consent to open their shut-up
hearts freely.”
These questions will test your
holiday IQ, or stump your guests
with a gala Christmas game show
as they gather round the fire after
the table has been cleared and the
presents unwrapped under the tree.
So chuck another log on the
fire, top off the goblets of eggnog,
mulled claret or smoking bishop,
and let us begin without further
ado or ho ho ho.
THE QUESTIONS:
1. Santa Claus is the pop ver
sion of which canonized saint?
2. Where did Christopher Co
lumbus spend Christmas 1492?
3. How did the Pilgrim Fathers
celebrate their first Christmas in
the New World in 1620?
4. What was the real occupation
of the white-bearded Father Christ
mas who brought a doll to the little
girl in the Christmas'crime solved
by Georges Simenon’s Inspector
Maigret?
5. Who is best remembered in
the role of “The Grinch Who Stole
Christmas?”
6. Where did George Washing
ton spend Christmas night 1776?
7. How do Santa, Rudolph and
Tiny Tim fare in humorist James
Finn Garner’s “politically correct”
versions of favorite Christmas sto
ries?
8. Why does Pope John Paul II
go to Rome’s Rebbiba prison at
Christmastime?
9. What executive order did 8
year-old Tad Lincoln successfully
beg of his father on Christmas Eve
1861?
THE ANSWERS:
1. St. Nicholas of Bari, a fourth
century Italian bishop depicted by
Fra Angelico as the patron of sail
ors, maidens without a dowery and
pawnbrokers.
2. Aboard the Santa Maria, hung
up on a reef near Cape Haitien in
Haiti. Damage was so extensive he
switched to the Nina for the home
ward-bound passage.
3. By shunning all celebration
and rituals and getting down to
hard work building the colony at
Plymouth.
4. Gold smuggler.
5. Boris Karloff.
6. Crossing the Delaware River.
7. Santa is “an overweight pa
triarchal oppressor, reindeer en
slaver and exploiter of elves.”
Rudolph is a “nasally empowered
reindeer with a unique lumines
cent olfactory organ.” And as one
might expect in a socially sensitive
reworking of Dickens that begins:
“Marley was non-viable to begin
with,” Tiny Tim is “a vertically
challenged pre-adult with a birth
induced delayed trauma disorder.”
8. To visit Mehmet Ali Agca,
the Turkish terrorist who severely
wounded him in an assassination
attempt in St. Peter’s Square on
May 13, 1981.
9. A stay of execution and a full
pardon for Jack, the turkey fatten
ing on the White House lawn, who
thereafter became a nuisance,
itimidating guards and tourists.
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Christmas Help Needed
Qualex Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of
Eastman Kodak, is currently looking for
temporary help. Positions available on
our second and third shifts. Applications
are being taken now for jobs to start
approximately December 18 and to last
until approximately January 7,1996.
Starting pay is SS.SO per hour. Must be
16 years of age.
To apply please come to:
Qualex Inc.
Fox Plaza
7204 Jones St
(Nortf) of Nebraska Fum. Mart)
Omaha, NE 68114
402-397-7210
8:00am-4:00pm Monday thru Friday
“TilNYOUR
THBHOUDWt
‘%50 7.50
PER HOUR PEPHOUfl
5® Begin working between nowand 12/31 and earn
I —
Refer a friend and earn a */£?£? Bonus
SUNDAY: NOON - 3P.M.
I_J MONDAY - FRIDAY: 8A.M. - 6P.M.
Human Resources
3311 N. 93rd Street
Omaha, NE • 69134
PH. 571-3200 TELEMARKETING CORPORATION
For mors information on job Qualifications,
^TemporayWage^CTrasecall our Job Lins at 573-2999 EOE j
