Diet nuts need a good beating
When I was first asked by my
editors to write a satirical column on
students’ nutritional habits, I wasn’t
sure whether to take it as a compli
ment or to file harassment charges
against the DN.
What offended me was that
during the proposal, they never
made eye contact with me, but
rather, chose to stare intently at my
heaving belly.
I can hardly blame them, since I
have been asked on more than one
occasion to be the cover boy for the
magazine “Crappy Health Weekly.”
I have tried to cover-up my poor
eating habits by telling people that
I’m simply “Big-Boned.”
I quickly found out, however, that
it’s extremely difficult to get people
to believe that it’s your BONES that
weigh 387 pounds and not your
BELLY, which is dragging obediently
behind you.
I have many friends who choose
to eat right and exercise regularly.
I however, choose to exercise my
right to not exercise, which in turn
may explain my bloated presence.
Luckily, I can find comfort in
knowing that I am not alone in my
eating habits. Most men prefer to
ingest things that may not be as
healthy as rice cakes but certainly
taste better.
The same cannot be said, however,
about women.
There is a vast sea of difference
between the nutritional habits of
men and the nutritional habits of
women.
My mother has told me that I am
of the male persuasion, and although
I have found only minute traces to
verify this claim, I have no choice
but to take her word for it.
As a man, I can attest that our
idea of a nutritious meal consists of
avoiding the whiskey until AFTER
we’ve eaten from all five of the fried
food groups.
Women however, are the exact
opposite. They can survive for years
“If I don *t get at least
three tablespoons of
mayonnaise every hour
on the hour, my
heartbeat will fall to
dangerously low levels of
63 beats per minute. ”
on only a glass of water, an occa
sional lettuce vein, and the perfume
“Essence” which they take intrave
nously.
So I would like to pose the
question: What is adequate exercise,
good nutrition, and, ultimately, good
health?
To me, adequate exercise
depends on who exactly is exercis
ing and how much they’re getting
paid.
For most of us, adequate exercise
is simply making it to class 20
minutes late, but there are those who
feel that if they’re not exercising 24
hours a day, they will wither into an
apparatus that resembles an omelet.
These people, without a doubt,
should be continuously beaten with a
shovel.
Good nutrition is also hard to
define because our nutritional needs
differ from person to person.
For example, if I don’t get at least
three tablespoons of mayonnaise
every hour on the hour, my heartbeat
will fall to dangerously low levels of
63 beats per minute.
(Note to reader: According to a
recent article published in the
magazine “Mayonnaise and You,”
the healthy average of heartbeats per
minute is 241.)
So it only stands to reason that
good health is equally ambiguous.
Good health being a collaboration of
good nutrition and adequate exer
cise, the only difference is that
people in good health are required
by law to prance around in too-tight
outfits and tell others what poor
health they’re in.
I would now like to take the time
to familiarize you with a few
nutritional terms that are making
headlines in health news, the first of
course being fiber.
The fiber industry tells us to
consume more fiber, but what they
don’t tell us is that fiber is actually a
colon sedative.
Any biologist will tell you that
fiber contains all the essential
elements that cause a colon to fall
asleep — and we all know how
embarrassing that can be.
I say avoid fiber at all costs. The
job-losing effects of possessing a
sleepy colon are much too risky.
Fat is another term which seems
to be everywhere in health news.
Webster’s defines “fat” as “the
stuff around Steve’s belly, which
shakes violently over speed bumps.’
Until my lawsuit goes through,
we’ll have to accept that definition
for what it’s worth.
I won’t even go into how evil fat
is. It clogs your arteries, brings
about fatigue, and causes most
people to spontaneously burst into
popular Elvis hits.
Unquestionably, nutrition will
always be a part of student life.
Unfortunately for most students,
however, unless you work for the
DN, you won’t get paid to discuss it.
I therefore, in a roundabout way,
have single-handedly proven that
nutritional concerns are moot for
most students.
I say eat what you want, exercise
if you choose, and always, always
consume mayonnaise by the six
pack. You’ll live forever — I
promise.
Steve Willey is a junior ag-journalism
major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
HAZARDOUS
WAIST.
Excess fat increases
your chances of high
blood pressure and
diabetes. Which increase
your risk of heart
disease. Good reasons
to start a waist disposal
program today.
You can help prevent
heart disease and stroke.
We can tell you how.
Call 1-800-AHA-USA1.
American Heart
Association^^
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UNL students choose
different health options
By Patty Wewel
Staff Reporter
Oreo cookies have gone low
fat.
Countless infomercials
point the way to better health.
Candy bar wrappers offer nutri
tional information.
It seems that healthy options are
everywhere, but what are students
opting for?
Lisa Williams, a senior English
education major, said she was health
conscious. Health and ethical rea
sons prompted her to become a
vegan, which means she does not
consume any animal products.
Williams works out three times
a week, jogs, bikes and plays rac
quetball. She said she took care of
herself now to improve her health
in the long run.
As she ages, she not only wants
to maintain her activity level, but
increase it.
Others, such as Galen Wray, do
not ban meat entirely from their
diets.
Although the junior environmen
tal studies major tries not to eat fast
food, he said sometimes he couldn’t
avoid it.
“I try to eat healthy whenever I
eat,” Wray said. “But I can’t totally
get away from (fast food). It’s ev
erywhere.”
Although students’ schedules
can make a balanced diet difficult,
it is not impossible, Wray said.
“It does not take a genius to eat
right. It takes planning and time.”
Others, such as Neal King, a
senior English major, work out but
usually eat whatever they want.
However, King does try to avoid
fatty meats and candy bars. He also
'tries to eat salads when he eats out.
Paul Parks, a junior marketing
major, doesn’t always watch what he
eats, either, and often eats at die bars.
However, Parks said he worked
out four times a week, often biking,
lifting weights and using the
stairmaster.
He started working out more
than four years ago to improve his
appearance, but working out is now
more of an addiction. If he doesn’t A
exercise, he doesn’t feel good.
Paries said he didn’t consider
himself health conscious. He said
someone who was health conscious
would not drink as much as he did.
However, Kevin Sullivan, a jun
ior fine arts major, considers drink
ing part of his health regiment.
Sullivan said he drank a wheat
beer once a day and tried to stay
away from drinking soda pop. He
smokes but doesn’t consider him
self an “avid” smoker.
“It’s part of that Euro-diet thing,”
Sullivan said.
He also tries to eat fish, poultry
and pasta. He doesn’t have a set
exercise schedule but plays basket
ball and rides his bike.
“This is the ’90s man, and ev
eryone’s health conscious. ... Ev
erything’s fat free or baked-not
fried.”
However, Jason Stevens, a soph
omore music education major,
doesn’t pay much attention to what
he eats. As for working out, he said
he just didn’t have the time.
However, he said that if he did
start to gain weight he cut back on
the fast food — which he currently
eats three times a week.
Stevens said he had no concern
about high blood pressure, choles
terol or his health in the fUture.
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