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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 29, 1994)
Avoid the hazards of summer Some of you plan on attending this fine, state-run university again next year. Some of you think that during the break you can just sit around in your underwear all day and wait for school to roll around. Well, some of you are just plain wrong. As the unofficial Grand Pooh-bah of this fine, state-run university, it is my responsibility to ensure that as many of us return as possible. This job is not easy, as there are many distrac tions that prevent people from attend ing again next year. You may have already guessed that I know what some of these distrac tions are, and that I’m going to warn you about them. After all, it’s my job. The big distraction that will keep most students from returning next year is, of course, graduation. I don’t know what you were thinking, but when you graduate, that’s it. You’re done here, kaput, finito. You’ve in tentionally decided to leave the state run university for good. I know some of you are doing your best to hang around and not graduate, bringing “fifth-year senior” into the English language. That’s okay. As Grand Pooh-bah, I appreciate tne ef fort you exert in trying to stay here as long as you can. Another key factor that keeps stu dents from returning is “s’meat.” Most people don’t know what s’mcat is, and that’s why it’s called s’meat. The name “s’meat” comes from a histori cal conversation when someone asked the other what exactly it was that they were eating. Here is how the conver sation went: “Hey, what are we eating?” “S’meat.” S’meat is any pseudo-, quasi- or generally unidentifiable meat, most often found in a can. Corned beef. Spam and the taco meat from Taco Inn are prime examples of s’meat. The problem with s’meat is that, as college students, we tend to not have When you vacation to Mexico or Singapore and break the laws there, keep in mind that you won’t be back in America any time soon. You might not return at all. j. al 1 that much money to spend on h igh quality foods. Hence, we buy s’mcat. When too much s’meat is con sumed, it begins to coagulate around in your brain, causing you to do things you don’t normally do. You begin to watch “Oprah” every day, and then you watch “Cops” and “True Stories of the California Highway Patrol.” Monty Hall becomes your idol, and you run away to Hollywood — oops! — I’m sorry, that’s what I’m going to be doing this summer. There’s a number of outdoor, rec reational-type hazards to watch out for. These mainly involve wild ani mals. While walking along the street, keep an eye out for open manholes. Many students have fallen in, never to be seen again, because of those hun gry, quick-moving alligators that live in the sewers. I know they’re down there, because I saw a movie once in which this kid flushed hisbaby alliga tor down the toilet. Boy, was he ever sorry. The baby al 1 igator grew up to be a big alligator that ate the whole town. Also, look out for the swarm of killer bees that were in another movie I saw. This isn’t just any swarm of killer bees, though. It’s a deadly, in telligent swarm that wants to take over the whole world. Speaking of the whole world, there’s some important information you’ll need to keep in mind when traveling abroad. When you vacation to Mexico or Singapore and break the laws there, keep in mind that you won’t be back in America any time soon. You might not return at all. A local place that few people come back from is the Department of Motor Vehicles. By the time you finally get your license, it’s time to renew again. You’d be just as well offby not renew ing it. Besides, you’ve all got fake ID’s anyway. Watch out for those brightly lit lampposts, or any other brightly lit object. Watch out for shiny objects, too. All of these things distract people for hours on end, hypnotizing them, causing the same effects as s’meat on the brain. Avoid tornadoes. Avoid them, that is, unless you’ve got a camcorder to tape “rccly neet” footage of them to sell to CNN or the Weather Channel. Don’t get hooked on daytime tele v is ion, specifically MT V. It will brain wash you until you hail Kurt Cobain as your new leader. Don’t spend all day trying to find the “Minus World” on Super Mario Bros. The most important thing to avoid during the summer is fun. If students have too much fun during the sum mer, they realize how boring getting educated can be, and they won’t “NRoll” next “N Semester.” As you can see, there is a virtual multitude of distractions out there to keep you from attending this fine, state-run university next year. Heed my advice, and I’ll see you then. Firestone it a sophomore economics ma jor and a Dally Nebraskan columnist. .1 \\ ( Kl SI This finish line just a beginning 1 guess I’m the lucky one. Five years ago at New Student Enrollment, trie speaker told me to look at the persons to my left and to my right. One of us, the speaker said, would not graduate from the univer sity. In fact, he said it was likely that two of us would fail to graduate. I squared up the competition. Dan, the guy to my left, looked average, save his diamond earring and (lop haircut. Melissa appeared smart, how ever. With her braids and glasses, she looked liked she could spend hours on end reading textbooks and taking notes. In five seconds, 1 knew my fate. I had Dan beat, but outlasting Melissa in the race toa highereducation would be quite a challenge. 1 knew it was extremely superficial to make such a judgment, but that’s what we were being asked to do: make snap judg ments. Well, 1 made it through the wilder ness. Somehow, I made it through. Today, 1 stand at the end of a five-year quest in an enviable position. As it turns out, I’m a graduating senior without any finals. Trust me, I shall rejoice and be merry. Life is currently one big whirlpool of emotion without much direction, exemplified in this writing. I’m glad to be done with all of the busywork assignments, sad to say goodbye to friends, upset that I didn t get more out of what everyone says are the best and most carefree years of my life, anxious about what waits over the horizon. To the hundreds of other students going through commencement with me next Saturday, you’re not the only ones feeling this way. To the friends who aren’t, thank you for putting up with my unending moodiness. It’s rather silly to make such a big deal out ofgraduation. This game was much scarier the first time I played it. Columns that cram issues down my throat put me off. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, and a little subtlety goes a long way. when it was called high school gradu ation. In a few months, life will still be much the same, and I’ll wonder what the big deal was. My art history teacher summed it up when he displayed a slide of Archi tecture Hall at a time when no other buildings were nearby. See, you col lege students of today who tend to think you are living at the epicenter of the universe, there were students on this campus 70 years ago. And there will be students here 70 years from now. Sometimes, he said, it’s good to put such things in perspective. I saw the future this week in yet another group of touring schoolchil dren who were visiting Morrill Hall and Sheldon Memorial Art Gallery. Th is great recruit ing system w ill bring a lot of these kids to New Student Enrollment 10 years from now. When they arrive, I’ll bet that parking will still be a problem, Richards Hall will still need renovation, ugly sculptures will still dot the landscape, the foot ball team will still be in search of its third national title and the Love Li brary auditorium will still be a good place to sleep or read the Daily Ne braskan. ,j_ To Dan and Melissa, the two stu dents I met five years ago, I hope to see at least one of you at the finish line: graduation. Of course, maybe the pro verbial fire under your rump was a little hotter than the one under mine, and you’ve already graduated. Maybe we’ll be sizing each other up again in our chase for a taste of the workplace, where suits will be choosing between us based on the same irrational snap judgments of appearances and refer ences. This will have to wait, however. On Sunday, I’m on a plane over the Atlantic to spend a month wandering around Europe. Save a high-paying job with maximum benefits for me. I could make one last-ditch at tempt to push my opinions on faithful readers. Smoking sucks. Clinton’s doing an okay job. Putting freshness dates on Pepsi cans is unnecessary. Abortion should not be used as an other form of birth control. The Dal las Cowboys will win yet another Su per Bowl. Capital punishment is not an effective means of deterring crime. “Melrose Place” isareallygoodshow. But columns that cram issues down my throat put me off. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, and a little subtlety goes a long way. Not many of my opinions are set in stone. I’m only 22, with hopefully many years of learning left. A college degree docs not signal the end to learning and forming opinions. To Dan or Melissa, the one who didn’t graduate: While I learned about conflict theory and Ernest Hemingway, you got a head start on the real world. Now I need to catch up. Cruse b a senior advertising major and a Dally Nebraikaa columnist. P/aySPORTS* Win $25,000 Trade imaginary shares of major league baseball teams over the Internet using the exciting new *SPorts Online Remote Trading System Only $89.00 for a Seat on the SPORTS* Exchange No Brokerage Fees $$$ Cash Prizes for 25 Winners !!! For more info send e-mail to: sports@panix.com and include "sports" in the body of the message. BROADCASTING STUDENTS Here is your chance to work for the UNL Athletic Department and get paid! We are looking for students to work in our new production studio, producing video pieces and working with the Big Screen TV system to be installed in Memorial Stadium. Work will also include assisting in shooting and editing highlight tapes for various sports, instructional tapes, etc. Plan to attend an informational and application meeting! Tuesday, May 3 Noon or 6 p.m. Room 217 Avery Hall Work study students and underclassmen are encouraged to apply. GASH FOR YOUR BOOKS City Campus: April 28 April 29 May 2 & May 4 May 3 & May 5 May 6 East Campus April 29 May 2 - May 6 8:30-5:30 8:30-5:00 8:30-5:30 8:30-6:00 8:30-5:00 • ■ ' ;' !!! I .1 ' • 9:00-4:30 9:00-4:30 » i I . sillOi. ' . i ’ M •’! •' 1 i t mm 2 B 37122672 A B 37122672 A _ 2 —> *-v ..f M2 The Office of Admissions would like to extend our appreciation to those individuals and organizations who assisted with the UNL student recruitment campaign. Acacia Fraternity Alpha Delta Pi Sorority Sandoz Council Ag Ambassadors Innocents Society Kappa Delta Sorority Phi Mu Sorority Student Foundation Towne Club Sorority Alisha Jensen Thomas Parker Jennifer Suchy Cliff Miles Mindy Schultz Kiersten Yanken Arts & Sciences Advisory Board CBA Advisory Board Student Alumni Association Chi Omega Sorority Delta Tau Delta Fraternity Harper, Schramm, Smith RHA Chancellor's Leadership Class Honors Program Executive Board Panhellenic Association Alpha Gamma Sigma Fraternity Teachers College Advisory Board UNL Marketing Club Michael Watkins University Ambassadors rhanks to your great efforts, over 4,200 prospective students were contacted!